*Trigger for description of a T's (not my T's) misconduct*

I know this is a delicate topic. I know that there are people on here who have been badly hurt by their Ts crossing boundaries. I know that my feelings may be incomprehensible to some and plain stupid to others. I know that I'm leaving myself open to judgements, but I have to get this out. Please be gentle with me.

My T has two jobs. In her other job, one of her close T colleagues gave a patient huge amounts of money, began a sexual relationship with her, and moved her into his house. He's since been struck off.

Clearly, I know that what he did was horrifying. He betrayed the client, his colleagues and his profession. I feel for the poor poor client so much. I also feel shocked by a professional who's regulated by the same board as him.

but... but... the little one in me is saying 'I want to live in T's house!!!!!'. I've always wanted to live in T's house. That's not new. And I've told her, and she's been containing and validating while being clear that it's just not a possibility. But if this girl was allowed to live in his house, then that changes everything. Suddenly, it is something that could happen. Nothing is contained. Anything is possible. But T still says no. And I wonder, is it because that client was gooder than me? If T really loved me, wouldn't she say yes? But at the same time, I'm terrified that T will do what that other T did with someone. And she'll be struck off and I'll lose my lovely T.

I badly want T to break the rules. I badly need T to keep the rules. And writing this, I realise that we badly need *all* Ts to keep the rules. Because when even one T doesn't, therapy- and the world- become less safe for everyone. And we need safety more than most people, because we've had less of it than most people.

Thanks for listening. Writing this helped a lot

Improving, I do understand what you're saying here. But you also said, "the little me" is the one who had these thoughts about wanting so desperately to be loved, nurtured and cared for by your therapist within the confines of her home. It's that little self that isn't able to truly grasp the other things you speak about. Your more adult self clearly understands and grasps the ultimate betrayal of that client by the one person who was suppose to protect and care for her when she wasn't able to understand the hurt and pain behind getting what she really couldn't handle!

YOUR ethical and loving therapist understands this. She loves and nurtures you in a safe and contained way. She understands on a deep level your need for her to shown her dedication and caring, but she also understands the harm that could happen to you if she gave into your intense, "little" you needs. She values your safety and security above all else. Those are the qualities that show how much she cares for you and believes you are worth the special care and consideration she is giving you. Your therapist understands the need to not break the rules because she is thinking about you --her needs and/or wants are not a consideration here . . .unlike the other therapist who cared only about his wants and needs . .. a careless brutality that trampled all over the other client's deep and very sacred need to be held safe within the boundaries of a therapeutic relationship.

You have a very loving and caring therapist.

Thank you so much Jaybird for such a kind and insightful answer. I will read it when I find I am obsessing about this.

You're right. My T says that it's a loving thing that she won't let me live in her house. I couldn't really understand how, when I want to so much, but your words have explained it. Thank you.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Improving

And writing this, I realise that we badly need *all* Ts to keep the rules. Because when even one T doesn't, therapy- and the world- become less safe for everyone.

The world does not become less safe, it only feels less safe. Feelings are just information about ourselves and what is going on with us, not what is going on out there. The world is just you and me working together to make it work as well as it can. Sometimes some people like that T are not very strong (you thought you weren't the one who wasn't strong? That T is less strong than you!) or do not learn how to hold themselves so they can act in their own best interests and try to help others who are not as strong as they are. Your T has learned that and is helping you learn that. Your T is strong and able to help, rather than hurt you.

Yes, at the moment it would feel really good to live with someone like that all the time, to not have to do the hard work of therapy to become strong in ourselves but that would be a disservice to ourselves and our T, whom we love. Think of a chain and how it is only as strong as its weakest link; the chain that other therapist and his client were on is now broken. You and your T's remains whole.

[quote=Improving;2177823Anything is possible. But T still says no. And I wonder, is it because that client was gooder than me? If T really loved me, wouldn't she say yes? [/quote]

As we all know, sometimes the loving answer is "no". Indulgent authority figures who give us whatever we want without regard for what we actualy need are simply not doing their job.

But you know that already. You say you are confused, but really, your post really shows you DO understand this. You may not like it, but you understand it.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You say you are confused, but really, your post really shows you DO understand this. You may not like it, but you understand it.

Thank you farmergirl. I think I meant that I'm confused about my feelings, rather than confused about why T says no. Like you say, I know how damaging the other T's actions were, so the confusing part is that I find myself wishing my T would do the same... I'm confused and a bit ashamed about wishing for something which has caused someone real desperate pain...

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Improving

Clearly, I know that what he did was horrifying. He betrayed the client, his colleagues and his profession. I feel for the poor poor client so much. I also feel shocked by a professional who's regulated by the same board as him.

but... but... the little one in me is saying 'I want to live in T's house!!!!!'. I've always wanted to live in T's house. That's not new. And I've told her, and she's been containing and validating while being clear that it's just not a possibility. But if this girl was allowed to live in his house, then that changes everything.

My message to T has so often been: stop helping me in the way I don't want, and start hurting me in the way I do want. Recreate my bad childhood, because at least it's familiar.