[learning1]

I'm wondering how people feel if you know you're acting odd in therapy? I mean acting in a way you would feel embarrassed acting in public or around other people. Do you let yourself do it often, or do you try not to do it?

I sometimes, pretty often I guess, realize I'm doing that. I almost always stare at the floor and I'm pretty tense. And I let myself be very awkward and hesitant in talking. A lot of the time I tell myself not to worry about it since it's therapy. But sometimes I'm embarrassed and want to stop showing my t this extra-socially-incompetent part of myself.

[lostmyway21]

I noticed I stare at the floor, out the window or at my bear on the shelf when I am talking about something difficult. If hes talking, I try and make it a point to look at him directly to avoid dissociating. I only do this in therapy.

Honestly, I just let it all hang out ---- my weirdness, that is. I try to be as honest and open as I can. To me, trying to hide from T is counter-productive; he needs to see me in all my neurotic glory in order to help me. I am NOT helping myself when I construct an artificial self to put between us, although sometimes I do .... old habits, I guess.

My body language is all over the place according to my mood. And he reads it very well, so it's all information for him. It helps that he's not judgmental, and I think by this time in his career he's probably seen it all anyway.

So ... the answer is yes, in spades

I think in therapy I'm always trying to be completely open and honest - moreso than I would ever be in public, with friends, or even with family. So in therapy the mask comes off, the defences come down. Talking about the things we do, it can be pretty intense and I can feel shy or vulnerable or embarassed, and so I too find myself staring at the floor a lot - a lot more than I do in 'real' situations. I think my T would probably find it hard to believe how well I used to function in the workplace in a customer facing role, how I held it together... If T could see footage of me from back then, I think she'd be surprised how I could pull that off. How I still can, for limited amounts of time. How I can act normal and confident and happy when required. I don't put that on in therapy, never have. I'm very conscious of trying not to pretend to my T, because I think it would be self defeating. Who am I kidding? I think she'd see right through it. But that's another reason not to act isn't it? She'd probably be like 'why you acting?'

I do however try to control the amount of anxious fidgeting I do... Sometimes I manage it, sometimes I don't!

[jazzy123456]

i do feel wierd doing it... so i don't always...... mainly because i believe she's only been officially doing therapy since June of last year. She did stuff before but, it was more of interning where she was supervised. so i have this kind of feeling that because she hasn't seen a lot in her practive yet, cus she hasn't been a therapist for long, I could totally wierd her out with some of my quirks. but, i do think its better to be transparent and let the walls come down... thats how we make it from point A to point B.

[skysblue]

I keep telling my T that I'm not like that IRL. Absolutely the behavior can be way different and sometimes it does feel weird. But like just_some_girl pointed out, 'the mask comes off and the defenses come down." It's a very strange experience sometimes.

[rainbow_rose]

sure.... but weird is good!

[mgran]

I've not been able to have therapy for a while now (bloody waiting lists on the NHS) but I always find it odd how I behave in T. For example, I don't want to show off how cracked I am, so I try to be normal. But I end up overdoing it, so it's obvious something's not up. I can't make eye contact, for example, and as you say, I stare at the floor. At the same time I keep thinking of the things I should say... then don't say them. Then feel stupid as sin for not saying anything, then realise that I've probably come across far weirder than if I'd just relaxed and told them what I'm really like.

[stopdog]

I do not make a lot of eye contact, but I think that is about the only thing I do different. I do physically shake and because there is only the horrible couch, it is apparent. That is probably odd and I control it when I can. I am fairly formal with the t like in a business meeting tone. But since it is a business meeting, I am not sure if that qualifies as odd or not.

[ECHOES]

I feel weird. I can't seem to help it, I do just have those reactions sometimes. Tonight I am really beating myself up because I had so much nervous laughter going on and it kept me from doing much exploring.
I can't seem to help it in the moment, and then I leave and feel like an A$S !

[learning1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I do not make a lot of eye contact, but I think that is about the only thing I do different. I do physically shake and because there is only the horrible couch, it is apparent. That is probably odd and I control it when I can. I am fairly formal with the t like in a business meeting tone. But since it is a business meeting, I am not sure if that qualifies as odd or not.

Sorry it is so hard for you. It isn't a business meeting.



I was thinking when i made this thread I should explain I know there are times when people can't help acting "weird" or differently than we act in public. Then I forgot. There are times I can't help it either. So I didn't mean to sound like I think it's possible to control it all.

[unaluna]

The person or side of me I try to get in touch with most in therapy is my ugly side. I figure that's who needs the exorcism the most. You know, the you that appears when you are trying to make a good impression (on one or many people), and then you say the stupidest, most embarrassing things. THAT goofy person. There is something wrong with her, she needs help, she has some sort of weird death wish, she ruins everything. I try to get HER in there as often as possible. The more you get her in therapy, the less she shows up in public. Little b!tch.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by hankster

The person or side of me I try to get in touch with most in therapy is my ugly side. I figure that's who needs the exorcism the most. You know, the you that appears when you are trying to make a good impression (on one or many people), and then you say the stupidest, most embarrassing things. THAT goofy person. There is something wrong with her, she needs help, she has some sort of weird death wish, she ruins everything. I try to get HER in there as often as possible. The more you get her in therapy, the less she shows up in public. Little b!tch.

Man, and then full throttle embarrassment and shame, right? Wow, I don't think I've let loose my worst *****iness. One time I was sarcastic to T and called later and apologized. She assured me that the more parts of myself that show up in therapy the better. She said that what I showed her was like 'gold' from a therapist's point of view.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by hankster

The person or side of me I try to get in touch with most in therapy is my ugly side. I figure that's who needs the exorcism the most. You know, the you that appears when you are trying to make a good impression (on one or many people), and then you say the stupidest, most embarrassing things. THAT goofy person. There is something wrong with her, she needs help, she has some sort of weird death wish, she ruins everything. I try to get HER in there as often as possible. The more you get her in therapy, the less she shows up in public. Little b!tch.

I just got snot all over laughing at this post.

Originally Posted by skysblue

Man, and then full throttle embarrassment and shame, right? Wow, I don't think I've let loose my worst *****iness. One time I was sarcastic to T and called later and apologized. She assured me that the more parts of myself that show up in therapy the better. She said that what I showed her was like 'gold' from a therapist's point of view.

ouch.
my therapist is too scary for that

[unaluna]

Oopsie! I didn't mean to imply I was b!tchy. I'm an angel. I guess I'm not there yet! Plus T would be He gets all because I say I like when there is a break. I just meant I am starting to hate this dumb stupid part of me. I am still in major denial about anger.

[rainbow_rose]

... also... i think 'weird' is subjective, ya know?

[learning1]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

... also... i think 'weird' is subjective, ya know?

definitely

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by skysblue

One time I was sarcastic to T and called later and apologized. She assured me that the more parts of myself that show up in therapy the better. She said that what I showed her was like 'gold' from a therapist's point of view.

Word, on the rare occasion I get mad, my T is positively gleeful. I do believe him when he says he wants to meet all parts of me. Too bad I am not yet ready to meet all those parts!

But yeah, I act totally weird in T--and yet it is more "me" than I ever am outside of T. He sees me scared, ashamed, and hurt, curled up in a ball, twitching, reacting to things that are only memories. It's such a relief to not have to pretend I am not this person, does that make sense? It's made it possible for me to be a little more "me" in real life with people I trust, too.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I do not make a lot of eye contact, but I think that is about the only thing I do different. I do physically shake and because there is only the horrible couch, it is apparent. That is probably odd and I control it when I can. I am fairly formal with the t like in a business meeting tone. But since it is a business meeting, I am not sure if that qualifies as odd or not.

For me, eye contact is a very good indication of connection.
When we're connection, we see eye-to-eye, exactly as the phrase suggests.
Not, not.

[Unrigged64072835]

Definitely. With my last T I went through the gamut because it was a safe place to release those stuffed-down emotions from the last abusive relationship. Much better than breaking down at work or yelling at my daughter for something insignificant.

I haven't let my guard down completely with new T yet--I do avoid his eyes when I talk about the really unpleasant stuff--but I'm feeling unsettled so I might be a puddle of tears tomorrow. He's been around a while so I'm sure he can deal with it.