i read some of the letter

i am so sorry i keep harping on this but it is just blowing my mind.

no one in my life has ever really demanded that i use my words.god with the mother it was forbidden

when i was in psych hospitals it was all about containing my behaviors.i never talked hardly at all but had a wonderful way of using horrible behaviors to communicate what i needed.i never needed to talk and they never required it of me not even the T it was all maintenance.

in residential treatment all i was was violent i rarely talked .other then the basics to respond if talked to .one word stuff and absolutely nothing of any past or painfully stuff that was all screaming, SI,abuse,as the would just hold me down.even in T.i couldn't say much at all just behaviors.i would write some about stuff going on in the present day and that was accepted and encouraged.better than the behaviors if i couldn't talk at least i was writing so it was acceptable to me to communicate through writing poetry etc..not ever by talking .that was completely off limits i couldn't do it.I'm sure you get what i am saying being mute was OK and acceptable to some extent and i could always write if i needed to .my T would read it and talk to me about what i wrote even if i didn't participate and in fact sometimes i even got very violent if she read my words back to me.

i never had a T or anyone who demanded so strongly that i use my words. some one who just accepted that i am so scared that i just cant do it.it is kind of strange .i never ever looked at myself as being able to use my words at all with out it hurting me or someone else. it is hard for me to understand why i cant talk and really thought i just cant and that is it.i am scared end of story,it had never been put to me in the way my T did yesterday,with so much understanding.

she was able to start to put some words to the fear. to hear her say something as simple as, feeling like what i have to say is so horrible to speak that it can only be written and never spoken or dealt with.i just never ever thought about my silence and writing in this way at all . no one else ever did either.for once i have a clear answer as to why she will not allow the written word and only talk.she even said again if i needed her help that i could always call.USE MY WORDS.it is kind of strange to have someone who seems to really understand all this inability to speak on such a different level than anyone ,but at the same time demand that i do ANYWAY and that it is OK how ever i am able to, and what i say and how i say it. it is kind of neat that she understands how hard it is,knows all the horribleness and it is OK . in fact is excepting nothing less than me using my words to speak it..never done that or ever had a T be like this.maybe she does know how to help me be able to talk about all this yuck.this is for anyone who actually got through all my rambling.i must say that i don't think i will ever tell her about me being on PC because i can totally see her saying that is the same as avoiding talking

I think this is one of the most exciting things I have read on an internet discussion board. Ever.

the part about all those years, just trying to subdue her behaviors. so tragic. what are we missing with so many other people? but this one. yes. biggest thing i've ever read anywhere.

Good work!!

Granite, you're a beacon of hope for so many. If you are able to emerge from the rubbish of abuse that you endured, then many other people can do it too. You're a great example and I'm so happy that your T is being there for you.

i was thinking about that too, soda can be a problem. What if one of us let out a big burp during Granite's session?? think we'd get invited back?

If you think a burp is a problem, ya definitely better not bring me...

By granite.............. or her T???

The brain forgets but - maybe - I hope - the heart remembers.

ok juice boxes it is for those who need them .i could wear a rain coat with lots of pockets and easy clean then
but remember NO TALKING lol

OK- no talking.

But is burping allowed?? Hankster needs to know.

granite: You're insight about using your words and about your T is incredible!!! I'm so happy for you I could explode!!! But NOT in your pocket!

thanks for all the suport and smiles from all of you .again i dont know what i would do with out you all. yesterday was the most calm i have been in a month.today already seems to be turning into the same thing.my body and heart are just soaking up the quietness in my life right now and in my head.god i hope it stays this way for a bit.i know now i dont see my T for another 13 days and i miss her but it isn't this angry miserable i hate her kind of desperation but a kind of i know it will be ok and ill see you then kind of miss you.i know you will be there if i need you .for some reason knowing this in my heart makes it easier not to see her.going to spend the day in my craft room again licking my wounds from the last month and continue recovering.FEELING GOOD

OK we won't say a word as long as you keep doing the talking. deal?

I'm so glad you're feeling peaceful- especially because of the past few weeks of turmoil you've been in. It pays to do the hard thing doesn't it???

granite, i just wanted to say that what you posted about your session really helped me in my session today. you inspired me to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. thank you.