Need Input...

Ok I need advice guys. One of the trauma's that is a part of my ptsd, is SA. I have already told my T the general things surrounding it, but it doesn't feel like enough. My flashbacks and nightmares are focused on one specific experience, and it is really bothering me. I have been feeling the need to go into detail about it, but I'm really scared and unsure of what I should and should not say, or even how to approach it. He already knows this is what I want to discuss next week, and he said we can...it's just really frightening.

He did one thing today that made me wonder if I should though. We briefly talked about going into detail about the past.

He basically asked me.. Why did I want to? What did I think it would do? Why do I think it would help me process it? Why, why and a few more why's later...my answer was IDK!!!!! and finally he let up.

Should I really go into detail? Is there anything off limits? Any specific advice/experiences/tips?

yeah I do have tips. For me it was key to start fairly slow and have some kind of way out once the conversation got too intense for me. That way, I didn't just build and build on the anxiety.
Also, I think T may be trying to get an idea of where your expectations are regarding this. If you're feeling pressured by the WHY part of this, when you get to the WHAT, your tension might rise like mine did and in that case, it's imperative (I think, just IMO) that you should feel safe, and feel that there is a way to slow down the process if need be.

And of course, hats off to you for having the gumption to take this on!

Go at your own pace!!! take care of yourself. You can do this!

Lostmyway, my t says that talking about helps establish neural connections between the feeling and thinking portions of the brain. Therefore, actually speaking out loud about the trauma is important. I'm just getting to the point of addressing specific things with my t. I feel queasy about talking about the little I do remember, so I really feel for you.

i agree with this 100%. i don't think anything is off-limits in therapy.

Getting the feelings out surrounding the incident, which you have stored all this time, is really important for healing. Go at your own pace and get the support that you need.

I have been thinking about this post since I started it. The last few nights I have been working overnights and have a lot of time to think about it. I ended up emailing my T at like 3 or 4 am, exactly what I have been thinking about this subject. I am a little unsure about it now. My guard was super down when I sent it because I was SO tired. He didn't respond to it today. Which it totally fine because I don't NEED a response, but now I am wondering if I said too much. Here's what I sent him...

"I feel like I will never be able to talk you about the abuse. It will never be safe to tell any one. As much as I need to talk about it, I can't. I can put together what happened in my head, but I dont think I can bring myself to actually say it outloud. Im too ashamed, I don't want to say the horrible stuff that happened. I dont want to even acknowledge it happened. Then maybe I can keep pretending it didn't. But if I tell you...it makes it real. Just typing this makes my heart is beat faster. Its all to gross and nasty and dirty and I dont want to expose you to that. I don't want to be looked at different. I hate myself enough already for everyone. Maybe I should just lie to myself for the rest of my life? Maybe if I do it enough this will go away for good? I feel guilty for just talking about, wanting to talk about the abuse. I feel like I shouldnt be trying to share this with anyone. That no one deserves to have to listen to me talk about it. That by telling you, it makes me a bad person. Some how it feels like I'd be contaminating you with my "bad" just by telling you. Maybe I'm just trying to protect you from me, and my horrible past. Im scared about your reaction more than anything. Im scared that by telling you our relationship will change. I'm scared you will hate me. Im comfortable with you now, and if I tell you maybe I'll be too scared to ever talk to you again. Or even worse maybe you will never want to have another session ever again. BUT...just maybe it will be okay? I need to get this out. I need to know if its safe?"

...what do you guys think? Did I say too much? I'm open to any input.

Wow... my T. would be all tearied eyed... and he would say okay so now you answered the whys.... now lets talk about talking about it... and we would spend time talking about how much to talk about so its not too much too soon for me and how he would help bring me back to now before session is over, etc... I think your T. will be happy you said all of that and he will help you be okay with it...

I think you are very brave for doing that! And I also think that it was great that you have send your T that mail. Sometimes it is just easier to open up like this in a mail than saying it in person.
I am sure your T is glad. Now he knows much better how you feel about talking about it and how he can help you.

I wish I would already be so far! You should be very proud of yourself!

Yeah idk I'm really conflicted right now. I'm definitely feeling like I shouldn't have sent it.

What you wrote was perfect. I'm glad that you sent it. It is exactly what you are struggling with. These are the things that you need to work through.

So, lostmyway, your e-mail is so good, I'm contemplating printing out your message and giving to my T and pretending it's mine.

Feels free to. Some of your posts are what helped me put some of my thoughts into words.

((((((((lostmyway))))))))

When I have had memories that haunt me with the details, it really has helped to tell. It feels like "what's the point?", (or it does to me), but there is something so freeing about getting it OUT of my head where it bounces around forever and ever and ever and ever.

Talking about SA so so so hard though T and I literally spent months talking about talking about it before I shared anything...and then I took a break from therapy completely and came back and talked about talking about it some more. It's HARD.

Sometimes it helps if I write things down and give them to him instead of saying the words. I've had to do that with all of the hardest stuff. But he reads it, and I'm not ALONE with it anymore. And I get to experience T still treating me the same...still caring for me, still respecting me...and I know something inside must shift a little bit.

I agree with the advice about going slow. And I also think that when it's time to tell, we just know. My T has taught me that I know what I need to heal. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

Be gentle with yourself. You are not the things that happened to you. You are you, and you deserve to heal