Feel like session was worthless

I know it probably wasn't a worthless session today, but I feel like it was. I didn't talk about the things I wanted to talk about, I couldn't get the words out. I spent half of my time just trying to stay present and not panic, as we worked on a difficult issue.

I just feel like I wasted my hour with my T today. I was struggling to talk to her, panicing, dissociating, and I wasn't brave enough to say the things I wanted to say. I feel like it could have been so much more productive of a session. On the plus side, I really connected with my emotions, but that did make it even harder to actually talk to my T.

I hate that I only have an hour with T...it took me so long to get started and I spent so much time dealing with my panic, that I just feel like I needed more time with T.

Ugh, I hate those sessions where I am so busying controlling the panic that I can't actually "accomplish" anything. T always says, why do we have to accomplish anything? Maybe this is what you need to do today, sit with the panic.

I can't really wrap my head around what he's trying to say (yet). I do think a lot of my frustration comes from wanting to connect with him (by talking) and feeling like I didn't achieve that. T says we connect even when we don't talk, but I don't usually feel that way.

i hate that feeling after a session. but i tell myself that every time i show up for session, i am being brave - 'cause it's true.

I've had many session like the one you've just described, but I have to say that when I read your post, I had that thought and this one quickly followed: "You did not waste your time or T's time. Even though you were unable to speak you were building a bond between you and T. To be able to sit in a room panicking and dissociating in front of someone takes a lot of courage and trust. T knows that, and appreciates that you were there and didn't leave despite how you were feeling."

Can you ask T to help ground you when she sees this??

Ha! Yeah - my T says the same thing. I guess I feel like if I'm paying for the hour, I should do something more than sit there in silence or panic. My T has told me many times that the hour is mine to do with as I need to, be that talk, panic, sleep, make difficult phone calls, whatever. I have a hard time with that, though.

You're right, of course, but it still feels unproductive to me. I'm finally learning to tell my T when I start checking out and she's good about helping to ground me if she thinks I need it. I did at one point tell her that all I wanted was to leave, but I wouldn't. She told me that while she hoped I wouldn't leave, she would never stop me from doing so. My T really is awesome, I just wish I wasn't so pathetic at times.

wow, I read this as anything but worthless; you were able to hang in there for a whole hour in spite of colossal difficulties. Good job, I say!

there will be time to get into the other things you wanted to talk about.

for myself - I find it hard to wade out into deep water, and have wished for 90 minute sessions (at least now and then). With T1 it was not permitted; with T2, well, who knows. BlessedRhiannon do you think you could ask yr T about that? at least sometimes?

I find when I feel like that, its what we were talking about that has brought up feelings of having wasted T's time. But whatever it was you did talk about must have been important enought for you to have spoken about them.

I asked my T about a 90 minute session once, and then we weren't able to schedule it, and I kinda felt like it wasn't really an option. But, that could have been my distortion rather than reality. I've been thinking about asking T again if we could schedule 90 minutes. I think I'm going to bring it up next week, and see if we can schedule some longer sessions in Feb. Maybe do 90 minutes every other week in Feb...it's a particularly rough month for me, so I'll have just more to deal with.

Rhiannnon, I've had sessions like that. Every word was an effort. At the end of one, I apologized for wasting his time and told him it could be worse - that I wanted to just have him sit next to me on the couch while I stared at the ceiling and said nothing. My T said those kind of sessions have their place also, and are not a huge waste. It's about building trust and safety.

I really admire your effort to continuing talking and get through the massive discomfort.