I just keep wondering if and when I will feel safe enough to talk about why I feel so ashamed and guilty about the sexual abuse and maybe even remember everything that happened instead of just fragments. I posted about one huge thing for me on the abuse forum and the response was really low key and supportive. So maybe it's not the huge deal in reality that it is in my brain.

My T has been really reassuring and I feel safe(ish) with him. He says he will not reject or judge me, or leave me. My experience with him so far is that this is the truth about him.

But, just the thought of talking about it out loud makes me feel ill. So What's it take to actually spit the words out?

[lostmyway21]

I tell my T every single week that I feel guilty, and like clock work. He runs through about 10-15 questions that I answer, and leaves me saying no i'm not guilty every single time. I wish I could remember what he says. It sounds like we have the same T sometimes.

I feel sick just thinking about it as well. I usually just force myself to blurt things out.

[nicoleflynn]

How about writing it on a piece of paper and giving it to your t?

[karebear1]

I just kept asking myself if I'm ready to sit and talk to T yet. I visualize it over and over again in my mind. Finally, after about 18 months, I started letting some things out. Each week it gets better and better. I think for some of us it just takes time. Be patient- it'll happen when you're ready.

Possible trigger for mention and brief discussion of "grooming" in CSA, and Penn State:

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

But, just the thought of talking about it out loud makes me feel ill. So What's it take to actually spit the words out?

The first time I told a piece of it, which included the information that I had experienced CSA (I had thus far only talked about the physical abuse), I started off by saying "this is really hard to say." Somehow that made it easier.

I have written about some incidents and some details and some of the most yucky aspects of it in my journal (and my T has read them), but I've found it's really important to, as you put it, spit it out. For me, I've had to plan that I would share x, y, or z -- although I have also abandoned said plan. Half the time or so I have said that I think I want to talk about it, but things are in the way. So we talk about things that are in the way. My T is so gentle that if I indicate in the slightest that I am hesitant, he "allows" me to do so. I've had to tell him that I need him to push me, but he never pushes me to say the thing, but pushes me to talk about what's in the way.

So I have to plan to talk about whatever it is or I won't do it. I also have to say, I want to talk about this thing. T will ask me if there's anything he can do to help me, and when I say no he reminds me that he can put me in touch with that part of me that wants to say it and that he can hold the space for me in a way that feels safe.

I have never been afraid to say it, as in I don't think my perpetrator is going to come crashing through the door or anything terrible is going to happen to me. But I get extremely inarticulate-- my sentences are cropped, I am usually very blunt, and it just seems like I blurt ***** out rather than really think about it. Sometimes I feel like I have to shut off some part of myself that actually makes sense most of the time.

Other times, I've found it helpful if I can start by asking T a question. The most vivid time I remember is when I asked him to explain "grooming" to me-- which is a CSA term for when perps engage in behaviors (common examples are tickling or wrestling, and the now classic example is the Penn State perp) that encourage kids to see contact as "fun" rather than a violation of their boundaries. Another time I asked if it was common for perpetrators to reward their victims with gifts. For some reason, it is just really soothing for me to hear my T (who is an excellent public speaker) educate me about something. Just hearing his voice for a few minutes before I dump my t*rd, so to speak, really helps me.

I have been surprised that my emotional reactions to the telling have not been as extreme as I imagined them to be. Partly that is because my T is really skilled at helping me "container" whatever I've said and put it away. Partly it is because his response to my disclosure is both empathic but not over-emphasizing the stuff, either. By that I mean that he doesn't get all enthusiastic about the fact that I've told him, doesn't gush about how brave it is to say it out loud, doesn't make a fuss about it. I think if he were the sort (like a group T I had once), who went on and on about how great it is to talk about this, how wonderful I am for doing so, etc. etc., I would just STOP and never do it again. I need him to not put any more emphasis on it than anything else, except the extra empathy and attunement is less in his words and more in his tender and kind nonverbals and emotional reactions. If there is such a thing as a benefit to telling, it's that when I expected to look over (not that I really look much at him when I'm telling) and see him upchucking or looking like a parent whose kid just mastered potty-ing, instead I see someone who is unflappable but empathic and understanding, who seems to know just what to say and do to help me move on.

With respect to memory, I'm not sure that I've moved much from the place of memory fragments. I do have more wholistic memories for some incidents, and I have more partial, video-like memories that are more isolated (e.g. can't really identify how old I am, or where it's taking place). And I do find that talking about it out loud (and I can also remember more when I journal) typically leads to greater memory, either then or later. I've also seen this in the people I work with too-- sometimes it seems like talking about one memory leads to another and to another, and they are not necessarily linked in any linear or obvious way-- they are kind of like a magician's scarf. It has generally been my experience that memory is like a muscle that can be exercised to become stronger-- but I don't think that too many CSA victims have complete recall. But better recall is definitely a bonus from talking about it outloud.

Most of all, the talking out loud takes its power or it punch away, and I feel like a part of me has returned to me, that in the telling I have made whatever shame or blame or yuckiness or other bad feelings attach to the perpetrator, and back off from me. It just seems so obvious when I say it out loud that he is the rotten one, not me. No idea why it works that way.

Hope some of this rambling was helpful,
Anne

[Sannah]

I don't think that you will ever reach a time when you are going to feel fine talking about this in session. For myself, I have forced myself to talk about things that are uncomfortable, whether shaking, crying, etc. I always was relieved that I did. Facing these things is the only way to overcome them. You can even cover your face the first time.

I am feeling like I am literally hanging out here. I posted something kind of revealing and from my heart, and it feels vulnerable to be all alone without even a "thanks.". I'd really be grateful for any kind of response.

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I am feeling like I am literally hanging out here. I posted something kind of revealing and from my heart, and it feels vulnerable to be all alone without even a "thanks.". I'd really be grateful for any kind of response.

I just saw what you wrote this morning, Anne, and it was really really helpful to read. It parallels my experience in a lot of ways. AND I'm off to therapy in about an hour after a hellish day yesterday (and I have no doubt CSA will be the topic of the day) so it's hard for me to think about/say more.

But I SO know the vulnerable feeling of posting so honestly and having it hanging there.

I truly (truly, truly) appreciate the wise and helpful things you post. ALWAYS.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I am feeling like I am literally hanging out here. I posted something kind of revealing and from my heart, and it feels vulnerable to be all alone without even a "thanks.". I'd really be grateful for any kind of response.

"thanks" didn't quite cover it for me. A hug seems a more appropriate response.
I didn't post a comment to you 3rd times because you said this >> Most of all, the talking out loud takes its power or it punch away, and I feel like a part of me has returned to me, that in the telling I have made whatever shame or blame or yuckiness or other bad feelings attach to the perpetrator, and back off from me. .

and I didn't find it to be so, I wish I did (although I am very happy to hear that this is how it was for you). I told my story in the face of fear, regardless of whether I felt "safe enough", and although I still have my shame, my self blame, my yuckiness, at least at the end of telling it I felt release in the sense that, whew, I never have to do that again -

but I have found out that when you change Ts, you do have to tell it again, and what that is going to be like I have no idea.

My T (T1) also said, I will not reject you or judge you, or leave you... I don't think she rejected me for what I told her, I have no way of knowing whether she judged me, but in the end, she left me all right.

I guess I don't know when "safe enough" can be. Maybe "safe enough" is when we just keep going, for the sake of healing, trusting in the process, and in the T as far as we can, even if it's not very far.

Mykidsarecool - many hugs to you in this difficult work.

[lostmyway21]

[QUOTE=3rdTimesTheCharm;2189587]I am feeling like I am literally hanging out here. I posted something kind of revealing and from my heart, and it feels vulnerable to be all alone without even a "thanks.". I'd really be grateful for any kind of response.[/QUO

I appreciate your response as well. I would have gave you a thanks but I just got off 14 hour overnight shift babysitting protestors in Zuccotti park, and I got distracted. Im sorry.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

My T (T1) also said, I will not reject you or judge you, or leave you... I don't think she rejected me for what I told her, I have no way of knowing whether she judged me, but in the end, she left me all right.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Thank you for taking the time and effort to respond to my attention-seeking plea, even if you didn't connect so much to what I was saying and that it comes at a difficult time for you.

Anne

[sittingatwatersedge]

Anne, I am not accusing you of "attention seeking", please don't you do that either. As for me, if I have some challenges going on, I am not "attention seeking" if I mention them, I simply mentioned them. I don't apologize for it, I think we may all be getting a little wrapped around a what-are-we-all-doing-here idea which is not all that helpful to the overall atmosphere.

We all have things going on, we all need support at times, we all have a right to want a little help, we all come here to meet people on same wavelength; we all discuss............. so no worries!! Please!

MKAC returning you now to your original thread.

No, no, SAWE-- that is my own label, and I thoroughly claim it for myself. I did not mean in any way to imply that you were calling me attention-seeking. My apologies for the misunderstanding-- I can see how you would interpret it that way but that's not what I meant.

I hear what you're saying more broadly, too.

Anne

Originally Posted by karebear1

I just kept asking myself if I'm ready to sit and talk to T yet. I visualize it over and over again in my mind. Finally, after about 18 months, I started letting some things out. Each week it gets better and better. I think for some of us it just takes time. Be patient- it'll happen when you're ready.

I have been trying this karebear, picturing telling him, and I end up shaking violently and queasy every time. I have even just tried picturing handing him a piece of paper with the stuff written on it. Still shaking.

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I am feeling like I am literally hanging out here. I posted something kind of revealing and from my heart, and it feels vulnerable to be all alone without even a "thanks.". I'd really be grateful for any kind of response.

I'm so sorry 3rdTimes. I got off the computer last night after reading someone else's post about people "fishing for compliments" when posting about their doubts about themselves. Huge, insane, rage response and had to just walk away. So very, very sorry I didn't respond to you sooner.

I am deeply grateful for your post and all of the information, and your previous posts to me on this topic. I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me. I get all choked up reading your posts, knowing that you are posting painful information to help me and being so supportive.

Again, I'm so sorry I left you feeling vulnerable. I do appreciate you very much.