changes/going home/closure with exT

So, I just don't post much anymore and feel a little funny still starting a thread for support (I wish I felt able to give more like I used to, but.....) but anyway some big things are happening for me now that are bringing up intense emotion that is just hard for me to handle....
I have been away from home for several months (won't go into all the story though some of you may remember my suicidal summer, the multiple hospitalizations, etc.....). For a while my H threatened divorce, but he has softened a lot and been very kind for a while now .... he really wants me to come home. My T says a lot of things need to be in place before I go back permanently, like a new T, med provider, etc ....... she's told him this, too. And it's just not yet .....
Anyway, H called T last week and told her he had this Monday off, so he wanted to come get me and take me home! I wasn't sure I wanted to do that at all, but T said I can think of it as a trial visit and stay a few days and see how it goes. In one way I think it will be good to see my kids and good friends there ....... but in another I am so scared. The house there doesn't feel like my home so much, and it was where I went through hell, and I do not know what to expect really from H ..... I'm afraid he will be disappointed and upset to know how much I really still struggle. But I'm going to try going home anyway.....
And while I am there, I may get a closure session with exT .... my current T has talked to her and she is agreeable. Current T thinks it's necessary for me to have that time with exT to just talk about what happened, why it happened, how things ended, get some answers ....... in one way I want to see old T one more time and try to clear up the lingering ?s and hurts, but I'm also afraid it may add hurt. Not that I think she will not be kind, because I know she will be and wants to do this right, just that it will hurt to see her, because I really did (do) love her way way intense ..... this T thinks there was some serious transference/countertransference stuff going on, too, and it really just does need closure .......
I think some abandonment issues have gotten triggered because of the real possibility I will have to leave this T too before I'm done/the work is done and have to start over again ..... I'm attached to her too, but not in an emotionally deep way as with exT, but still I really like/trust her and want to stay with her and finish the work we've begun instead of trying to begin all over! Attachment/abandonment issues suck!
Guess one thing I want to know is how have closure sessions gone for others of you; how have you handled losing a T (or 2) without the sense that it was time for it to end?
Thanks!

(((((spiritrunner)))))

I haven't yet had this experience but I wanted to wish you well with seeing exT. I have abandonment/attachment issues and am maternalising my T so when the time comes to end I know it will be hard.

It's great to hear how you're doing

I wanted to reach out and say that I understand what it's like to have to go back to a place where you've been through hell. I had a horrendous summer in my parents' house five years ago, and avoided some rooms for years afterwards, because I felt certain that if I even opened the door, all that old pain would tumble out and consume me. Can you choose a tiny corner of the house, and make it 'yours' anew? Drive out the old demons with a bunch of flowers or a bright poster or a lovely smelling candle?

In terms of experiences of 'closure' with OldT, when I was in hospital as a teenager, there was an activity they used to do with patients in their last group session. It was called the 'bin and the bag'. They would draw out a bin and a bag on a big piece of paper, and fill them with what they wanted to leave behind, and what they wanted to take with them. I wonder whether this would be a more accurate way of reflecting on your therapy with previous T, instead of focusing on the 'great' stuff? It might also help you to feel less of a wrench about having to say goodbye?..

Also wanted to say, it's great that your H is so keen to have you back, but make sure your needs are met too. It might be helpful to go back for a 'visit' for a defined amount of time, and have expectations really clear e.g. is he expecting you to do all the child care; how will you manage your children's emotions...? It might also be helpful to have quite a detailed plan of how you will spend the time (e.g. a family activity) and also a way for either you or your H to be able to say 'this was a bit too much too soon' and be able to end the visit without anyone interpreting that as a catastrophic failure. Basically, I think I'm trying to say, plan it carefully so you're set up to succeed rather than 'fail'

I can't offer you any wisdom, as I had opposite experience, it was my T who said we should end, and I haven't done anything about "closure" (yet).
But I will keep you in my prayers, for your journey home. I hope it goes well for you.

thanks for the support! Improving, thanks for your thoughts/suggestions, that is helpful....a plan that sets me up to succeed. I like that. That is something like what T said when I was on the phone with her yest. - to do a bit at a time, remember who I am and that I have the power/right to choose what I need and do what I need to do ...... I will try to focus on the good and right things and have expectations for good rather than bad! I will update about the T/closure thing and how that pans out....

SpiritRunner (((((((((((((Poet Girl))))))))))))))))))

It was so good to hear from you! The funniest thing, right before you posted I thought about you and wondered how you were doing! I am sorry to hear that you have had such a go around. I know when you left pc it was abrupt and you were struggling very much. I was thankful to hear from you and for the update. I know I am late responding but I have had some personal issues. Anyways, I hope that your weekend at home went well. Did you ever meet with old T? Was it helpful? Miss you. I like your new name but you'll always be PG to me!

How are you? How did your trial visit home go? I'm thinking of you!!

just have been away from the computer a lot, being busy with life and didn't get back to this to update or anything, in case anyone was interested.
anyway, after my 'trial' visit home I just felt like it was 'right' for me to be home, especially because of the strong draw I felt toward my kids. and my H was being as good and thoughtful as he could be and was willing for marriage counseling, so I simply decided to come back to stay and go day by day working on the relationship with him.
of course, that meant that I had to go back to my folks and get my stuff and see my T there one last time. she was surprised that I made the decision so quickly, but was proud of me for coming to the decision and being sure about it.....really, it was always in the back of my mind, like I told her, it was just that it wasn't the right time before. but when I was home, something simply shifted in my mind and I realized, yes, this is what I have to do. even though it was so very hard to leave another T before I felt like the work was done....another interrupted process/attachment.
however, she has been awesome.....she didn't just say, well, it was nice working with you, good luck now, good luck finding another T if you want, etc. she said she would keep in contact with me by phone through the transition period, adjusting to being home, helping me find another T and going through the vetting process if I wanted to do that (I don't.....not now....simply not up to starting the process of getting to know and trust another T for the 3rd time in 1 1/2 years!) so I do call her from time to time and we have a nice long talk about how things are with life, with my H and stuff....she isn't perfect of course but I do have to say I think she is so awesome in how she is allowing me to wean myself away from my attachment to her in my own time and that she does feel a certain responsibility for what she calls 'after-care', making sure the person is remaining stable and so on. because she's handling it so gently really, it's easing and healing the wounds from the way 1st T handled things......she says that in time, as things fill in in my life now, that she will fade away....not be forgotten, but fade away. sort of like a very special old friend I have that helped me so much when I was a teen, 20 years ago...that bond is still there, even though we rarely communicate. I like that it could be this way with 2nd T......she's not a friend of course, but the bond can be remembered and treasured, even when the actual physical communication fades away.....
never did get to have a closure mtg with my 1st exT....it fizzled. she talked to her supervisor, and I guess the supervisor must have told her it would be inappropriate to meet with me. so she wanted to have a brief talk on the phone with me and my other T together, but things had moved so slow up to that point with that process that I was already home and that idea wouldn't work. so, instead she called my 2nd T and asked her to call me and tell me a few things.....grrrr.....and those weren't the things that answered the questions I had for her either! So I'll never have the answers I wanted from her - the deeper 'why' of why she did some things the way she did with me. I was furious at the way she handled it.....and it has been difficult dealing with some of those things on my own, though I could of course talk to 2nd T about it some......So, I wrote 1st T a long letter for closure since I wasn't going to get it any other way......it helped. It's been a couple weeks now and I feel much better, although occasionally some memory gets triggered and I feel furious at her. But mostly, I'm trying to remember the good she did for me, because there was lots of good before the hurtful end.....and it probably was best to not see her again. I loved her too much......and she had counter-transference issues with me that she didn't see/handle as well as she could have (so says 2nd T). So that's that....some relationships do just end badly....I just never had one be so intense, where I actually trusted so much, and end so badly.....it's a growing experience though.
our marriage counseling T is great and she is helping a lot. she has really laid things out clearly, helping both H and I see how some of our cognitive distortions/core beliefs etc have created conflicts and hindered effective communication. I am so impressed that H has sat there and taken some of the stuff she's told him.....and I am so happy to feel validated about some of the things I have felt/thought/even told him over the years about how I felt he regarded me and treated me.....things are getting so much better between us.
so, at the end of this book , I just want to say that I am content with life - it's not perfect, but after going through hell the last year, it's so much better, and it is a miracle to me to just be alive, feeling able to live and handle life, and to actually be stronger and more 'real', more truly myself than I was before. there was suffering, now there is blessing......there is hope. so if anyone read to the end of this, I want to say to you, NEVER give up and you WILL make it through!! I did and it's worth it.