[rainbow8]

I hate that feeling right after my session when I wish I were coming in instead of leaving.

I hate going to the bathroom and wishing I were just getting there and not on my way out.

I hate when 90 minutes seems like 5.

I hate when my T wants to do EMDR and I don't. Then, afterwards I think maybe I should have done it.

I hate when my child parts don't get their needs met by my T because I didn't ask.

I hate that the teenage part thinks the session was "blah" and she is feeling so needy.

I hate that my T won't answer emails.

I hate the way I feel right now!

I hate still wanting my T to be someone who is there for me all the time, not just in my session.

I spent too much time telling her good things, which I know are important, but half an hour went by with the good stuff. Then, I said I wanted to talk about my brother and not do EMDR. She said okay. So we just talked.

First we talked about the book, which of course she didn't read. She said she felt pressured when I gave it to her, but it didn't cross a boundary. She said that if she could keep it for a month, maybe she'd read it, so I said that was fine with me. Then she wanted to know more about why it was important to me, so I picked out some passages and read them. My mistake was reading them and that was that! We didn't discuss it anymore. So, later I realized the child part who identifies with the main character felt terrible. Unfortunately I realized that when I walked out of the session. I read about the connection and love between character and author but I didn't say how much I want that. I did tell her that she was closest to the way Torey Hayden is, out of all my Ts. I remember now that I also told her that I wanted the love that the little girl got from Torey. So I did say that but then we went on to something else.

I emailed my T already but I'm not going to call her about this. I tried visualizing me, my friend, and T holding my child part. I don't know if that's what I need or not. I don't know what I need. Maybe sleep, which I'm not getting enough of lately. I have insomnia.

Sometimes I HATE therapy!! I emailed my T that the week seems like an eternity.

[Kiya]

i can relate to a lot of what you wrote. The helpful part in me wants to suggest that you can now change each of those statements from "I hate" to something like "WHen I" and redo them so they are empowering to you. Not that that helps the emotions the others all feel.
I often experience that going in to T was better than leaving T. :/ like "yeah... ok.... well... *****. That wasn't what I wanted". Hoping next session goes better. Realizing T's can't be what we want them to be helps some also. not in the emotional realm, but in the logic realm.
Peace....

[rainbow_rose]

...

[talktopaul]

sounds like your relationship with your therapist is very important to you, but it also sounds like you depend on her a lot. Perhaps you are stronger and more independent than you give yourself credit for???

out of interest, what's EMDR stand for?

[granite1]

i'm going to have to read this book.you have mentioned it to me beore.i looked on my kindle and it isnt available i think the book tiger is but not one child

[rainbow8]

Thanks for all the hugs!!! I'm heading out to yoga (that always helps me feel better though I can't stand because of my heel pain) so I'll write later.

[Perna]

You remind me of when I got frustrated with "To Do" lists and not ever getting them done so I decided to write a "To Don't" list instead, listed 10 things I was not going to do that day

When I was a child, I use to climb up on my bedroom bureau to get a different view of the world :-) I can get bored easily so constantly use my creativity and imagination to try and rearrange things so I don't feel bored or frustrated. I like your hate list but don't think it goes far enough (just playing devil's advocate here :-)

[rainbow8]

granite, Tiger's Child is the sequel to One Child. You definitely have to read One Child first! Maybe her books are TOO triggering because most teachers or Ts do not get so personally involved with their students or clients. Torey is amazing though. There also is CSA in the books, just to give a warning about that too. But most of her books are about how she works with these kids whom no one else can help, and how nurturing she is, and how they respond.

[Chopin99]

I read "Beautiful Child" several years ago and thought it was amazing!

[rainbow8]

talktopaul:

sounds like your relationship with your therapist is very important to you, but it also sounds like you depend on her a lot. Perhaps you are stronger and more independent than you give yourself credit for???

out of interest, what's EMDR stand for?

Yes, my relationship with my T is very important to me and yes, I suppose I do depend on her a lot. I also agree that I am probably stronger and more independent than I give myself credit for. But strong feelings often hit me when I leave the session (not always) and then I fall apart. I feel like I can't function and have nothing to live for, which is totally and absolutely untrue. I'm not sure why I feel that way. Abandonment issues, maybe.

EMDR: I forgot to look up what the letters stand for, something about eye movement desensitization, but I forgot what the "R" stands for. It's a method of treating trauma or places people get stuck in their lives, by alternating eye movements, sounds or vibrations. I wear headphones and hold vibrating buzzers. My T and I decide on an incident that bothers me and choose a negative thought about myself, such as "I feel unimportant". Then I focus on the incident and the thought while the she operates the buzzers (or a T waves her fingers in front of the client's eyes). When she stops them, I tell her what image, thought or feelings I'm experiencing. I'm supposed to let my mind be free, whatever comes up is okay even if it's not about the incident. We may talk about how I wished the incident would have been different, like my Mom would have held me or something like that. We may do this for about half an hour or more.

EMDR is supposed to change your brain. I think it works though I'm still skeptical about it. My T would like to do it more with me but I'm a little afraid of it though I don't know why. You can google it for more exact information about EMDR.

Perna: thanks though I'm not sure what your point is.

kiya: thank you! Can you give me an example of changing one of my hate statements to "When I"?

rainbow_rose: thank you for the hug!

Chopin: Did you read any other of Torey's books? Send me a PM if you did, or want to say more. I'd like to discuss her and her books.

I feel a little better but still sad and I'm not sure why. Therapy stirs up an awful lot for me. Sometimes I wish I could forget it for the week in between and not think about my T at all. But each week there seems to be more and more issues to talk about.

[JustWannaDisappear]

I don't have anything constructive to say. I know the feeling and I looked up those books and just ordered them.

[rainbow_rose]

i admire you, rainbow. you really know how to express your feelings - let them out.

[WePow]

(((((Rainbow))))) I get it how the book event can make you feel unheard. It makes so much sense. I am sorry that you feel that pain. I do think it is so awesome that your PC peer ordered the book up. Sometimes I feel we get more support from one another than we get from our T. Maybe that is what our Ts want us to do?

[Luce]

Rainbow, I too loved the book 'One Child' and I think I also felt some of what you describe regarding the relationship between Torey and Sheila. I wonder if you have read the sequel to the book, 'Tiger's Child'? It is about when Torey reconnects with Sheila as a teen.
The second book troubled me quite a bit, mostly because I realised how much Torey overstepped the boundaries, and how her 'help' ended up being more damaging to the teenaged Sheila than anything else. It is an interesting read.

[talktopaul]

Thanks for the info about EMDR, I hadn't heard of it before. I did do a bit of online research into it and it looks like there is some good evidence that it's effective for some people.

Good luck with the therapy! and I hope that you always know deep down that you've got something to live for - even when things are tough.

[rainbow_rose]

how ya doin', rainbow? thinking of you.

[rainbow8]

JustWannaDisappear: Thanks. Do you mean you ordered One Child and Tiger's Child? I hope you like them.

rainbow_rose: thanks for the compliment. I never used to know what my feelings were, so it means a lot to hear you say I let them out. I wonder if I do that TOO much now, though. I also let my T see the diluted version. I'm honest with her but I don't let her see the intensity of my feelings. I wish I could. I still have to write them to her. I copied the first part of this post to her.

How am I now? I feel better but am worried about something so I started a new thread. I can't stop posting my feelings. I wish I were more like you and didn't post my whole life on this forum. I'm but can't seem to stop doing it.

Luce: Yes, I own both books and I just reread the sequel, Tiger's Child. It bothered me too, but I admired Torey's honesty in questioning her treatment of Sheila. She could have chosen not to write the book at all.

WePow: thanks! Yes, I also sometimes get more support here than from my T.

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Rainbow,

I can related to a lot of the things you hate about therapy! **huge hugs** You are not alone.

I have read all of Torey Haden's books I think and I can understand how you made the connection between teacher/student and your relationship with T. Torey was so lovely and I also yern for someone like that in my life and deeply wish it could be my T. My Inner child really needs safe physical contact with someone in a caring/mother type role and I remember when I read how Torey gave that to these children in her stories, my inner child was so jealous and it was triggering but I felt compelled to read. Almost hoping I would find the answer to why this wasn't happening for me.

I hope you are ok **huge hugs**

[rainbow8]

dizgirl, we posted at the same time! Thanks for validating my feelings about Torey Hayden. I know what you mean. Her books are compelling but make me yearn for that connection with my own T. I told her that she's closest to Torey I've ever had, but that's still far from the way Torey was. Of course we're not kids and can't really be picked up and cuddled by our T. Most Ts are NOT like Torey. Nor are teachers. That's probably a good thing. I think it takes a special kind of personality to do what Torey did with those kids.