Why do I always do stupid things?????

Like, forward my last "dear T" post to my T. I feel like my heart is going to stop I'm so terrified. I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack. He is going to hate me for this.

i don't think it's stupid at all. actually, to me, it's a brave thing to do.

((safe hugs))

I don't think he's going to hate you. In fact, you were just sharing how you feel. Isn't that a big part of what therapy is about?

I've ended up forwarding some of my 'Dear T' posts to my T as well, or have started writing them in the box, and then ended up copy-pasting straight into an email to her instead, hitting 'send' somewhat on impulse (usually around 2am) and then been freaking out about what I just did. So, I know where you're at. But, I think on some level, we feel the importance of T knowing where we're coming from. Your post that you forwarded shows insight into where you're at right now, why you feel like you need to pull back. By sending this to your T you've most likely saved yourself a bunch of time and money dancing around the issue in session, with your T wondering what on earth is going on. Ts are good, but they're not mindreaders. (At least, I don't... think... they are...!)

Anyway, as embarrassing messages go, yours is barely on the scale! Don't worry

I feel horrible for sending that. I don't think I want to go on monday.

(((hugs))))

So two things have happened tonight.

1. I spammed T with emails. (he probably thinks ive totally lost it)
2. I quit therapy.

I didn't expect my day would end up like this.

Wow - rough day. Did you send another email to the t quitting? You can always unquit if you want. I have found quitting to be liberating and then I go back. I am sorry it has been such a hard day for you.

Yes I sent another. I don't want to undo it. Its too hard. Its too many feelings.

I understand. Just mentioning it because I find quitting can give me the space to go back. If you do not want to un-quit and it makes you feel better, then that is the best decision for you. I hope you are feeling some relief from the decision.

Not at all. I just don't want to depend on him. The only way to do that is quit. Oh well.

Oh Lostmyway, I undertand those feelings. I've been in therapy a year now and the majority of that time was spent... talking about stuff...starting to trust him..feeling like I was getting too close... telling T. I was going to quit... then I would stick it out again...and the cycle would repeat... eventually I got to the point where I realized it was okay to need things from other people and T. was the perfect person to "practice" having those feelings and having those feelings met. So much has changed for me over this year.

Your T. probably realized that you are going through this. The only thing I regret about my past year of therapy is that i didn't talk to T. about how hard it was ... we didn't talk too much about our T./Client relationship and I think if we had I would have been able to work through it quicker....but then again maybe he did try to help through that but I wasn't able to hear it and deal with it..

Your T. will not be surprised if you send another email to say... I don't want to quit after all. ... My T. told me once when I was wanting to quit to do this and I think it was good advice for anyone... "Think back to all the reasons you came to therapy or the goals you set in therapy and think how you will feel if you don't ever work those things out..." and that is why I kept coming back...

Dealing with all those feelings does get easier but you have to go through it to get to the other side...

Don't wait for your T. to email you back..you email him... Its a boundary thing. Most T's want you to realize this is your therapy and you are in control. They won't tell you that you need to come in...You need to decide to do it for yourself. He may really want to contact you and say" you know you need to keep coming...please don't cancel your appointment". But what I know from my own T. and from what others have posted here, most T.s will not cross that boundary. They will leave it up to you to contact them and ask for what you need. Email him back and 'unquit" therapy and ask him to respond to email that he received it and that you still have your appt time on Monday, since from the Dear T. thread it sounds like you decided you really do want to continue.

From reading other threads you've written, I think you are courageous and can contact him and ask for what you need.

I'm always quitting...and then un-quitting. But it's something that I do discuss with my T. I'm sure he gets tired of hearing it though.

Readytostop is right, you have to go through it to get to the other side.

I think Stopdog and Readytostop are right; T's know something else if up when we suddenly quit, especially after you feel you "spammed" his email with a lot of personal stuff. People who really want to quit therapy, because they are through, healthy and happy, etc. don't do it suddenly, in the middle of the night.

When situations rise up out of us and our feelings, one can't fix them by trying to avoid them. You quit T so you wouldn't have to feel dependent on him but that feeling is in you, not in T and the relationship! And you can't get away from you. Much better to take the roller coaster, therapy amusement park ride and learn to deal with the feelings.

((((lostmyway))))

I agree that it is not a good feeling to become so attached to the t. I, too, find myself in this position, especially when I am hurting. I am not attached to the physical person specifically, because, truthfully, half the time I can't even remember what she looks like (I had to go look at her again for the "famous person" post!)
I believe I am attached to the feelings that I sometimes have during therapy, the feelings of maybe it is going to be okay, and maybe I can get better, or at least more in control.
I also find myself getting very angry with my t because I am not making the progress I want. This is when I become rather nasty with her, asking if I am spending my money wisely.

I completely understand your wanting to quit. It is tough to depend on someone so much.

Bluemountains

Thanks for all of your replies!

So...I had worked three overnight shifts back to back with almost no sleep, and it resulted in my major breakdown last night. I have been struggling to cope with all my feelings (reguarding dependency) and being up for over 48 hours just sent me over the edge. I emailed him after I had got some sleep and calmed down, and he told me no worries (like always) and that he would see me on Monday.

I feel really stupid/embarassed and just plain dumb. These feelings are really hard, but they ARE worth being in therapy for.

If I ever try to quit therapy in the middle of the night...please feel free to yell at me. It's not something I would ever want, and 99% of the time I will be in some crazy triggered episode.

I'm so glad you were able to contact your T. and hear bactk from him and now you won't have to worry anymore... Have patience with yourself.. this is a process and it takes time..

I'm so glad you contacted your therapist to 'un-quit' Best wishes for your session on Monday!

I too am glad you 'un-quit'
Good look for Monday

Thanks. I'm glad too! It sucks how fast I spiral sometimes. I'm just happy he is always patient and understanding.

Therapy or no therapy, working non-stop without sleep can't be good for you. I'm seriously worried about that.

I agree, but I had to do two 60 hour weeks back to back overnights. Its probably the reason my ptsd was off the charts the last two weeks. My T knows my schedule has been insane, and that its been majorly affecting me.

Ouch! That ought to be against the law.

Your employer would never get away with that in, say, Sweden.

I don't HAVE to. I could have said no, but unfortunately I need the hours and overtime.