Can feelings be recovered?

I have a real hard time trying to feel anything beyond fear. I know from an article Earthmamma posted that feeling through those things that haunt us is important.

I do try, sometimes I feel pressure behind my eyes as if tears are being made, but in 2 years, I have never been able to cry with T - I was wondering if for some people they get turned off for ever?

I understand you, Soup. For most of my life, feeling emotions got me into a lot of "trouble", so I learned how to shut them off. I thought I could get away with shutting off the negative and feeling the positive. Doesn't work that way. Fear was the only thing that got through and I was/am fearful most of the time. That is what drove me back to therapy; I was no longer satisfied living numb/afraid.

T says that everything I have pushed down (particularly when it comes to grief and loss...my particular issues) must be brought to the surface and grieved, then I can move on. I have had a few episodes of crying (all alone, save one...when one of my dogs died last month...I cried with H), but there is so much more beneath the surface. I have not cried with T. I am still too nervous to feel too much with her right now.

Hopefully, it will come. For both of us.

I never used to cry in T, or anywhere, really. I remember the exact incident in my early teens where I decided to stop crying (a fight with the parents). But in the past couple of years with T, tears flow easily and comparatively often. You could knock me over with a feather!

Hi Soup,

Are you able to cry anywhere else over these fears? The reason I ask is because I cannot cry with my t either, and currently I don't want to, but I do have major crying sessions at other times, unfortunately sometimes in the wrong setting! Usually, by the time I get to therapy I am under control, and I prefer to keep it this way because my crying sessions are my out of control times.

Bluemountains

I do sometimes cry on my own, but I experience such distress and pain, that I then dissociate - Maybe it is the awfulness of feeling sad and crying that stops me.

I think I am starting to feel more emotions now that I am in therapy. I got really really excited and happy the other day. It was really cool. That kind of balances out with all of the crying and horrible nightmares I've been having.

We must be in the same place, pbutton. I've been having nightmares, but felt a few minutes of pure, unadulterated joy the other day!

So, it sounds like you really just want to release the pain somehow. I definitely get this, and I understand what you mean by fear. This is how I was and still am with disclosing to my t about past abuse. The sharing was good to begin with, but now I fear that I am going to have to talk about it again always keeps me on guard during therapy. I guess I need to bring this up next session.
Maybe you can journal and take this in when you meet with your t. Then you can deal with the emotions even if these aren't fresh.

Bluemountains

I had my post removed from this thread, because apparently someone managed to find my blog by putting some of the words I wrote into a search engine. It feels really weird. It would have felt a lot better if someone had just asked if they could have a link...if I wanted to provide it publicly, I would have.

Totally brings back the whole "the internet isn't safe" feeling. I'm anonymous here and on my blog, so technically it shouldn't be a bit deal. But it feels REALLY strange.

If the person who did it wants to PM me and tell me who you are, that would be awesome. Really. Way safer-feeling.

Sorry to go so off-topic! Back to your regularly-scheduled programming

Sad but true. The internet is not 100% safe.

I am so sorry this happened to you T and that the curious person lets you know who they were for your peace of mind. I did read your post and I valued the things that you had shared - so thank-you - Soup

I have never cried in front of the therapist. I haven't cried at all for over two years, let alone in front of her. One time that therapist I see said something about me crying in her office and we had to stop talking about it because I had actual physical signs of panic. Even typing it here speeds up my pulse. Usually the only feelings I identify when with the therapist are frustration, fear, and sometimes what could be sadness I think - that one is a little difficult for me to label.

I've never cried in therapy with any of my 5 Ts, and that's about 15 years. But I can cry as soon as I leave the office or building and get into my car. There can still be feelings even if the tears don't come out. You can still feel sad with your T.

If crying on your own causes you such distress and makes you disassociate, not crying is a protection for you.

Part of me can see the benefits of crying with T - I know once I felt sad and he asked if I could allow the tears to come, but I couldn't. Part of me thinks if I could, that T would handle it well for me, but I just don't know how to let the barriers down.

Do you ever wish you could cry with your T's rainbow8?

It scares me too stopdog - I am not sure why, I do trust my T. Well in my rational head I do.

omg. this so insightful, rainbow. i never thought of it like that.

SD, I wish more than anything that I could cry in therapy. I've always wished for that, though some think it's a crazy wish. I think it would be healing for me, but of course there is the part of me that wants to cry so as to be closer to my T.

I've come closest to crying with my current T but the tears don't come. It's like they wait until I'm in my car. I'm inhibited. I don't feel like I stop the tears; I just don't cry with other people though I feel safe with my T.

it takes courage to cry...

how about that?

and courage is all about facing our fears

and fear brings limitations in most areas of life...
including our tears.

I do think feelings can be recovered.

The question is, Do you? Will you allow yourself the belief that you will one day be able to knock every barrier down that keeps you from feeling your emotions etc.?

Because, every belief starts with our mind.
that's where it begins.

you will be able too, as you believe.

however, lol... I'm one of those people who can cry every single session. I don't know why.. they just come like a waterfall lol..So, I can understand that it is harder for some to cry then others... I just know, when I'm actually trying NOT to cry, because I cry sooo often... it starts with a belief, it starts in our minds

I think I've cried in just about every single session. Sometimes it's just a quick flash though.

Yes maybe I need to explore the fear in my mind, I don't think it is a rational fear - maybe I am worried that if I start crying I will not stop. And I do tell myself that I will never, but I will try opening up the possibility that I can. Thank-you

Yes feelings can be recovered. I had none up until a few years ago and endeavoured to get them back. Now I can feel negative emotions, but not positive. But apparently if you have a good therapist therapist that knows what they're doing (and is patient), eventually you can get the good feelings back too. Thats what they tell me! I figure it makes sense because regardless of whether feelings are negative or positive, they are all FEELINGS so what applies to one also applies to another.

Thanks Kazzax - do you know how it happened for you to feel negative feelings again at least? I am willing to sit and feel these things with T, I just don't know how to do it - sometimes I would like my T to be horrible to me as I am sure that would bring about some emotional response.

SPECULATION:

Maybe you are scared that once you start crying you won't be able to stop?

I think I saw someone else post that.

i haven't cried once in session in over 4 years with my T! I came close a couple of times, but i couldn't ever let myself "let go." In general though I am not a crier. I know I have issues around it though, because I would do anything to avoid crying in front of my mom. Even now as an adult--I do not want her to see me in ANY WAY vulnerable, ever...and of course that includes crying.

I think my T may fall over in her chair if it ever happens

I do not want to be mocked for crying and the t could do it. And loss of control like that could lead to chaos and I would only have myself to blame.