[jaxter23]

So this kinda threw me off. I finally saw my T today after she canceled on me 3 times over the past two weeks so I haven't been able to see her. She knew I'd been having a really hard time with stuff cuz I sent her an e-mail and she had a voicemail from me, but never heard back from her. Because of the cancellations and the lack of response, I was really frustrated with her originally, but I am the kind of person that understands things come up. I just really needed to see her so that's where the frustration was coming from.

Well she apoligized for canceling three times and I said it was fine cuz it really was ok and she told me no it wasn't ok and I should be mad at her! I kinda got taken aback by this. She asked me why I wasn't mad at her. I just told her I understood things come up, but apparently that wasn't good enough for her. She said she didn't get my e-mail until today and the fact that she didn't respond should make me angrier. I honestly think she was trying to push my buttons to try and get some reaction out of me cuz I've been really down and quiet and just blowing things off lately to try and avoid them. Does anyone else's T try to push their buttons and get some reaction? Idk I was confused cuz I think that's what she was trying to do just cuz I shy away from anything that hits me a little harder emotionally and just try to brush it off in therapy and she keeps pushing at it and I think that's what she was trying to do again. Any thoughts?

PS sorry if this was confusing :/

[Wren_]

I wonder if she was pushing, or if it was more a case of something like trying to work out how you respond to different situations and get insight into what patterns you might have with the expectation that she would have been angry in your shoes so trying to understand why you weren't? That's speculation though, the only way to really know with this is asking if she wanted you to be angry or not?

[learning1]

That's a rather confusing double message for a therapist to do something and then suggest she was wrong, or deserved anger, unless she gave you a reason why she cancelled so many times.

[ECHOES]

I don't think she was pushing you to be angry with her.
I think she suspected that you had been angry with her, but had moved past it, and she wanted to revisit the time when you were angry. She was saying that feeling angry would be completely understandable - as understandable as someone needing to cancel because things come up.

If you are like me, you might move on to a place of understanding, and deny there was ever any anger there initially. That's one of the hard things about therapy, getting to a better place - because we do have to go on with your daily lives - then stepping back and revisiting the place we moved from.

I think she was just trying to help you explore all of your feelings about the cancelling and the lack of response to your email.

[CantExplain]

Me, I think T was pushing.

Anger is an important part of a healthy emotional repertoire. Let's see some!

I think the anger will come in its own time.

[jaxter23]

But see she did explain why she canceled and I understood things came up so I was never really angry. I was more frustrated cuz I had been struggling with stuff and wanted to talk to her. It was just weird that she told me I should be angry even though I wasn't. She told me that she was angry she had to cancel on me so many times, to which I said it was fine cuz it was, but I don't think that was acceptable to her. Idk I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.

Maybe she just thought you would be angry because she was angry that she had to cancel so many times. Maybe she just wanted to see exactly how you felt about it-and just explore all the emotions. If you were understanding of the situation and just frustrated cause you were having a hard time and needed to talk with her, then-that is exactly what it is-Frustration because you were having a hard time and needed to talk with her.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by jaxter23

But see she did explain why she canceled and I understood things came up so I was never really angry.

"Understanding" is head knowledge and did nothing to help your frustration. Anger is a goad to figure out how to resolve frustrating issues ("the inability to change or achieve something") and lets you know you have a problem that needs resolving. You wanted to talk with your T and were unable to! Doesn't matter why. That is anger. You have to do something to resolve the frustration, either find another way or person to discuss your issues with or decide you are comfortable waiting until you can see your T but dismissing the frustration, just understanding it away doesn't really solve the problem, the frustration remains.

What if your T had not been able to show up for 5 sessions (instead of 3)? What are you going to think next time your T does this again? You're so understanding, why shouldn't she? See the problems "understanding" rather than "Gee, I was really frustrated and unhappy you had to cancel three times in a row, I hope you aren't going to have to do that anymore?" and starting a conversation about it.

"No, no, I understand, it's okay. . ." doesn't do anything for you or her besides let her think it's okay to skip your session (rather than someone else's who expresses their unhappiness at her missing). It's a polite, social lie, that has no place in therapy, where you are trying to recognize what you are feeling when you are feeling it.

You could have a breakthrough where you are comfortable with yourself so when you cannot see your T because of cancellations, that is truly okay. I enjoy going to the dentist and know most people do not and my dentist and I know that if he has other patients or problems while he's seeing me, I will literally wait "happily" while he deals with him; I am fine being last and "used" in that way! But until then, when you feel frustrated in some way; think of a 2 year old and what they do when they are frustrated? They have a temper tantrum That's anger. Frustration is a mild form or or precursor to, "Hey! This ain't what I want! It is not good for me" anger.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by jaxter23

But see she did explain why she canceled and I understood things came up so I was never really angry. I was more frustrated cuz I had been struggling with stuff and wanted to talk to her. It was just weird that she told me I should be angry even though I wasn't. She told me that she was angry she had to cancel on me so many times, to which I said it was fine cuz it was, but I don't think that was acceptable to her. Idk I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.

If you weren't angry, then T needs to accept that. It's not for her to tell you how to feel.

But it is good to remember that you have permission to be angry.

[ECHOES]

Anger is tricky.

When my therapist was gone for a week, I felt just fine about it. We talked about it because I also had some strange behavior before she left. But I was fine! I was very glad that she was going away, having a whole week for herself. She rarely takes a full week, and I feel very fortunate about that. But... so what was the other stuff about then?
When we explored it more, I realized that my feeling good about her going away had felt like 'graciousness' or 'generosity'. When I explored that, I realized it was more like I was "forgiving". I was forgiving her for going away. So that implies I was angry, although it is nearly impossible for me to realize or to acknowledge when I am angry, unless I am in an uncontrolled anger. Anyway, that was an interesting couple of sessions!

[KazzaX]

Yes my last two Ts tried to do this, lol. I LOVE it (in a disturbing kind of way) when they do this!!! Love love love!! But the problem is, I take their advice and get angry and it shocks them so much that they never do it again, haha.. damn. It's like showing a red flag to a bull - gogogo! I guess its not a good idea to invite someone with pretty hardcore anger issues to get angry. So I can see their point. Some people don't have the capacity to be angry for whatever reason, so I can see how it would be very healing. Anger is great in that way. "Better out than in" as my dear ole mother used to say.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

If you weren't angry, then T needs to accept that. It's not for her to tell you how to feel.

But it is good to remember that you have permission to be angry.

OP - do you usually have trouble acknowledging anger at others? If so, then maybe you could look more at this. If not, then maybe the therapist is just wrong. It did not sound like pushing you to be angry, more like pushing you to see if you really were or not.

My stance is always -Who the h are they to give someone permission to do or feel anything? Having one of them think or act like they get to give me permission for anything ticks me off. OP - you want to borrow some of my anger?

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by stopdog

OP - do you usually have trouble acknowledging anger at others? If so, then maybe you could look more at this. If not, then maybe the therapist is just wrong. It did not sound like pushing you to be angry, more like pushing you to see if you really were or not.

My stance is always -Who the h are they to give someone permission to do or feel anything? Having one of them think or act like they get to give me permission for anything ticks me off. OP - you want to borrow some of my anger?

I do! I'm really getting di#ked around at work and need to lay down some heavy boundaries. For me, the whole pocket rider thing is getting a bit stale and so I propose an Anger Bank, at which one would borrow and lend freely. What say you?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

My stance is always -Who the h are they to give someone permission to do or feel anything? Having one of them think or act like they get to give me permission for anything ticks me off.

This is a good attitude to take into therapy.

But some of us were raised to believe that we shouldn't get angry with anyone we respect.
Which for most of us () includes our therapists.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

But some of us were raised to believe that we shouldn't get angry with anyone we respect.
Which for most of us () includes our therapists.

1. They tried to raise me that way - and it worked with parents but I grew up thinking I would not let anyone else do it to me.

2. Haha.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by stopdog

1. They tried to raise me that way - and it worked with parents but I grew up thinking I would not let anyone else do it to me.

2. Haha.

I feel the same way. I was a compliant child when I needed to be, which included not being angry at my parents, but as an adult I don't want to be afraid of anger. Anger is a normal human emotion, and if I'm angry at my T, I let her know. I might use rude language or a sarcastic tone, in a perfect world I'd explain why I'm angry in the same way that I calmly explain anything else, but that doesn't usually happen.

[jaxter23]

Oh I have no problem getting angry at people. I'm just really good/cautious at using that anger usually. I tend to just brush things off cuz to me the fight isn't worth it. Then other times I'll lash out even if it wasn't warranted lol. I just really wasn't angry cuz I understood that things come up and plans change. Plus she has been staying late for me or coming in on Saturday's because I tend to work from 8-7 this time of year...yay tax season! So yeah I feel like I'm even more patient with her cuz she is doing me a huge favor by even fitting me in at all! I guess I should tell her that lol. I really think she just wanted me to channel my energy towards something cuz I was really agitated during our session.