Tomorrow is my appointment with T and I .....cancelled.

Two weeks ago, I was SO looking forward to returning to him to reconnect after a long holiday and therapy break and things went very well until a few minutes before session ended when I suddenly asked a question about my former MT.

Last year, on a day when my H and I had a scheduled MT appointment, I emailed MT to confirm (I had not received a reminder) , I received an automated reply saying he had retired from private practice. I was in shock. It seemed like a cruel joke. Because of my previous T experience, it reopened old wounds. I emailed MT sharing how I felt at the time, he responded with an apology about his inability to meet with us prior to his sudden departure. At the time, I shared it ALL with my T. The email correspondence between my former MT and me and the hurt, sadness and shock I felt in the moment.

Now.

Unexpectedly, at my last session I asked my T a question about MT. His response surprised me. In his answer, he said my MT never left. He still worked part time. WTH?!?!?!? I feel betrayed. I told T I was angry. Angry at MT and angry at T. Both knew how difficult his sudden departure was to me, and both KNEW he never really left. MT lied. His email was untrue. He did not retire from private practice, because he still IS in private practice. T saw that email, he knew it's contents, he saw the chain of correspondence, he knew how much it hurt....and he knew it was untrue. He allowed it.

Now, after believing something for an entire year and finding out it was untrue, I wonder what IS true?

Clearly, I am angry at myself for trusting what was said to be true.

I really do cherish my relationship with this T AND I am mad, hurt and in some way, feel betrayed by his response (or lack of).

I will muster up the courage to return and discuss with him. Someday.

IDK. Right now, I just want to be done.

[faith1983]

I'm sorry you have to go through that... it's certainly confusing!

As I was reading about MT, I told myself well, if he lies like that to his clients, going as far as writting an automatic response that was untrue, it's probably better you stop seeing him; he doesn't seem trustworthy at all! But I understand the hurt and the disappointment and sadness...

And MT is the only one responsible for what happenned; he is the "bad" one IMO, not your current t; current t perhaps didn't even know what was really going on with MT at the time or thought (rightly or not) that telling you would make things worst... That being said, I know how hard those feeling are and hope you're going to find a way out of this and, like you said, find the courage to discuss it with your t...

Take care

[ECHOES]

Perhaps the email was true at the time, and since that time MT returned to working part time? Many people retire then find they don't want to be retired after all.

So, you cancelled because you are angry with your T?

Sometimes there's a time for rational explainations and sometimes we just need to be angry. From what you posted I'd be so angry!!!

Originally Posted by faith1983

I'm sorry you have to go through that... it's certainly confusing!

And MT is the only one responsible for what happenned; he is the "bad" one IMO, not your current t; current t perhaps didn't even know what was really going on with MT at the time or thought (rightly or not) that telling you would make things worst... That being said, I know how hard those feeling are and hope you're going to find a way out of this and, like you said, find the courage to discuss it with your t...

Take care

Agreed, MT is the one responsible for what happened however, T knew it at the time and made a choice. T knew my past. He knew I was wrongly terminated by T#1, he knew I was shocked when MT sent the email. He also knew how much I desired (based on my previous T experience) to process with MT and get closure and he said NOTHING.

He asked me what I had hoped he would do? Before I answered, he said he was very limited in his ability to do anything because he was a colleague and not, MT's boss. I never answered his question because we began discussing my anger. Later, I sent T an email. In it I said I guess I had originally hoped he would protect me from being hurt by another T then I realized I didn't need him to protect me, I needed him to be honest with me.

For the past year, we worked together to build a foundation based on truth. IMO, his actions here belied his own words.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Perhaps the email was true at the time, and since that time MT returned to working part time? Many people retire then find they don't want to be retired after all.

So, you cancelled because you are angry with your T?

You know, I have thought about this ALOT. I am not sure why I cancelled and that is why I am struggling here.

I think, in part, I did cancel because I am angry with T. A much bigger part, wants to protect myself.

I am not scared of my T, he won't intentionally hurt me. In fact, he has disappointed and hurt me several times in the past. It's ok, really. He's not perfect and neither am I. I really don't know what I am protecting myself from? Me, maybe?

I am confused about what IS true and what isn't.

Maybe, finding this out is what scares me? IDK.

I think my biggest fear is ME....and my ability to sabotage this relationship, one I truly do cherish. I don't know, EXACTLY.

I believe I am just trying to talk myself away from the edge of this cliff.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Sometimes there's a time for rational explainations and sometimes we just need to be angry. From what you posted I'd be so angry!!!

Thank you. It really helps to know I am not overreacting to being angry.

My suspicion is that at the time, MT truly did mean to close up shop and then later reopened part-time perhaps to stave off boredom or to make ends meet. That kind of thing happens all the time with retirees.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

My suspicion is that at the time, MT truly did mean to close up shop and then later reopened part-time perhaps to stave off boredom or to make ends meet. That kind of thing happens all the time with retirees.

I wish I could believe this was true, but T told me he never left. He said he wasn't exactly sure how he decided which clients he would continue to see. I told T, it felt all wrong to me.

MT's email was very specific. It gave much greater detail than I shared here. Also, when I emailed MT and told him how disappointed/hurt I was about his sudden departure, he said he had no choice, he had to leave suddenly to accept another job. He DID have a choice.

Oh, lost, I am so very sorry this happened. I know I would be super, super angry and hurt. I would feel totally betrayed by my T also. I feel like we have a base of honesty established, and although it's not his job to protect me, it is his job not to deceive me. I think letting you continue to believe something he knew to be false is the same thing.

I hope that you are able to confront your T with this. He made a huge error, in my opinion, and I sincerely hope he owns it and apologizes.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I feel like we have a base of honesty established, and although it's not his job to protect me, it is his job not to deceive me. I think letting you continue to believe something he knew to be false is the same thing.

Yes. THAT'S IT!!!!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

wow. Grrrr! Can't stop shaking my head over this. Yikes, how awful.

you know, it is possible that the new job fell through at last minute, or maybe before starting MT found out something about that made him decide not to -

I can think of some scenarios to explain him I guess - but (I am very sorry to say) not for yr T, if he knew the facts & didn't tell you, especially since he was the one helping you handle MT's sudden termination. I can only speak for myself but that would be a deal breaker.

from where I stand, your cancelling this appt to give yourself time to breathe and process this information shows a lot of maturity, LIT. I think you're doing very well, this has got to be immensely hard ! ! !

[vanessaG]

Oh wow I would be quite upset too. Not only to find out he retired and then find out he actually didn't! It would leave my head spinning and angry. I'm very sorry so the fact that he actually isn't retired are you hoping he contacts you to come back or are you just wanting to stay where your at?
Whatever T's intentions were, decievingly sent out that email or actually retired and returned part time, would leave me very untrusting of him. I'm sorry you had to go through that...

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

you know, it is possible that the new job fell through at last minute, or maybe before starting MT found out something about that made him decide not to -

I can think of some scenarios to explain him I guess - but (I am very sorry to say) not for yr T, if he knew the facts & didn't tell you, especially since he was the one helping you handle MT's sudden termination. I can only speak for myself but that would be a deal breaker.

from where I stand, your cancelling this appt to give yourself time to breathe and process this information shows a lot of maturity, LIT. I think you're doing very well, this has got to be immensely hard ! ! !

SAWE, thank you. Anything is possible. T told me most of what happened when I saw him last. I knew my T had accepted the job AND, as T shared during my last session, he continued to work part time. He wasn't sure how he came to decide who he would continue to see and who he would refer out. Clearly, he didn't seem to agree with his decision, but it was MT's decision not T.

MT shared he was unable to see clients because of his new job. Untrue. My T admittedly agreed. MT responded when I emailed asking if we could work through his sudden termination saying, because he was no longer in private practice, he would not have the ability to work through it, however, we could be referred to another MT. Also, partly untrue....of course, we could be referred to another MT, just not because he was no longer in practice.

During my last session, I looked at T and told him I was angry at MT AND mad at him. He wanted the opportunity to work through it this session.

Two weeks is a very long time to have to deal with the aftermath. As much as I cherish my T, I just need to take a few steps back and breathe.

Originally Posted by vanessaG

so the fact that he actually isn't retired are you hoping he contacts you to come back or are you just wanting to stay where your at?
Whatever T's intentions were, decievingly sent out that email or actually retired and returned part time, would leave me very untrusting of him. I'm sorry you had to go through that...

No, not in the least. I won't return to MT, he can't be trusted. He is the same man who sent me a FB friend request and crossed other boundaries too. After my experience with T#1, I just hoped for some closure. I was always seeing my current T while also seeing MT (Marriage T). They work in the same office space. When MT "retired", we just never looked for another MT.

As for my T, I do still cherish our relationship. Even now. Maybe, I am crazy?!?!?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

He asked me what I had hoped he would do? Before I answered, he said he was very limited in his ability to do anything because he was a colleague and not, MT's boss.

That is a lousy excuse. It doesn't justify a lie.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

That is a lousy excuse. It doesn't justify a lie.

I know.

Honestly, I think it's why I am having a difficultly returning this time.

I said I would return someday. The more time passes, the less I feel this way.