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  #26  
Old Jan 25, 2012, 08:29 PM
yang0868 yang0868 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SallyBrown View Post
I know you know all of this in your head, but it can be really hard to know in your heart -- boy do I know about that.
You said it all when you wrote this. My heart just won't give in.

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  #27  
Old Jan 25, 2012, 08:32 PM
yang0868 yang0868 is offline
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Originally Posted by CantExplain View Post
I spent a month or two at the end of last year working through how I would feel if T were to die. (There's a thread about that in here somewhere.) It was a really useful exercise, and I felt much more at peace with her at the end of it.

I said everything I wanted to say, how I love her, how I would miss her, how important she is to me, how grateful I am. And I also told her about the times she had hurt me and I thought she had let me down.

I asked about what would happen. How would I find out? Would I be welcome at the funeral?

I told her what I would do after she died: grieve, wait six months, then start afresh with someone completely different because I know I could never replace her.

And I received her blessing.

It was very healing, perhaps the best thing I've ever done in therapy. And I'm not so scared any more. I know what would happen and I know what I would do.

Good luck!
Thank you CantExplain. Maybe if I can learn to trust T again on a deep level, I will ask to work through this with her. Just maybe it will help give me a chance to prepare for losing her.
  #28  
Old Jan 25, 2012, 09:31 PM
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rainbow_rose rainbow_rose is offline
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Member Since: May 2011
Posts: 2,653
Quote:
Originally Posted by yang0868 View Post
Thank you so much rainbow rose. That would be great. I'm so honored that you would offer to come along with me. Why do I feel a sudden connection between us both? I just couldn't ask for it due to being ashamed to ask for it. Thanks again. BTW, I think I will see my T before you see yours. I see her tomorrow afternoon.
Hi Yang - I think there's a connection 'cause we're going through something similar after being so vulnerable in therapy. Also, i was moved by what you shared about your loss. People going away is so hard for me too for very similar reasons. I hope your session went well. take care.
__________________
Happiness cannot be found
through great effort and willpower,
but is already present,
in open relaxation and letting go.

Don't strain yourself,
there is nothing to do or undo.
Whatever momentarily arises
in the body-mind
Has no real importance at all,
has little reality whatsoever.

Don't believe in the reality
of good and bad experiences;
they are today's ephemeral weather,
like rainbows in the sky.


~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~

Thanks for this!
yang0868
  #29  
Old Jan 25, 2012, 09:52 PM
yang0868 yang0868 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow_rose View Post
Hi Yang - I think there's a connection 'cause we're going through something similar after being so vulnerable in therapy. Also, i was moved by what you shared about your loss. People going away is so hard for me too for very similar reasons. I hope your session went well. take care.
Thank for understanding. I'm sorry for your loss. My session didn't go the way I wanted it to go but I'll just hang in there and wait until next week. Thank goodness I have a job to keep me busy. You take care as well.
  #30  
Old Jan 27, 2012, 09:17 AM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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I really hope that you address all of this stuff that is between you two.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #31  
Old Jan 27, 2012, 03:35 PM
yang0868 yang0868 is offline
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Member Since: May 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
I really hope that you address all of this stuff that is between you two.
Sannah, thank you for thinking of me. I can't believe how bad this feeling of mistrust is affecting me. I had to leave work again yesterday due to another migraine. My hands have been shaking uncontrollably which is really bad because I have to hold sharp objects in my hand at work.

Do you know that feeling of being let down by someone you've come to trust and care about? I didn't think T or her receptionists' actions could affect me this bad. It just hurts so much more because it was only last week when I told her how I genuinely feel about her. She was so accepting of my attachment to her and it seemed like she even encouraged it. I feel stupid in that I had to go and ruin our connection by seeking out the truth behind the reasoning as to why my appointment on Feb 8th needed to be cancelled. I'm just the type of person where I have to seek out answers for everything or solve problems. I have that detective kind of mind. Now I think about it, I should have just let it go and not look so deep into it. No wonder there is that saying that curiosity killed the cat. So now I'm thinking I should just let it go but my heart tells me I need to let T know that she and her receptionists have hurt me. I feel like I just need to be heard but I'm afraid that it will break us apart. What kills me is that T doesn't even know that I'm hurt by all this. I'm not saying she can read minds. It just feels like I wasn't heard when I told her about the whole ordeal just trying to get an appointment to see her during the second week of February. Who knew it would be this hard just to get an appointment? I'm fed up with their services. I want to tell T that I don't deserve to be treated this way. I've yet to miss an appointment. I'm always super early for my appointments. I pay my fees on time. I don't show up there b*tching at people or being grumpy. I'm just there to heal from the pain and trauma that was inflicted upon me. It wasn’t like I chose to have this trauma inflicted upon me. Do they think I really want to be there? I wished that I didn't need to be dealing with all this PTSD crap. If I had a genie that could grant me a wish, it would definitely be I wished I never had to endure the pain, suffering, and trauma I went through and witnessed. It has screwed me up completely. The feeling of having my safety shattered is one of the scariest feelings ever. The world just doesn’t look the same anymore. No matter how much I long to forget the trauma which I know is impossible, I am willing to learn how to cope with my trauma symptoms to make my life more livable and enjoyable.

I’m so hurt in that I believe I’ve found the person I want to help me do the healing work I need to but the environment is hostile. I don’t know what to do to build the courage to bring this up with T. I’m just in complete turmoil at the moment. Am I just trying to make a small matter a big one? IDK.

Last edited by yang0868; Jan 27, 2012 at 04:08 PM.
  #32  
Old Jan 27, 2012, 04:37 PM
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CantExplain CantExplain is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: New Zealand
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yang0868 View Post
but my heart tells me I need to let T know that she and her receptionists have hurt me. I feel like I just need to be heard but I'm afraid that it will break us apart.
From the rest of your post, I'm hearing your are a person who needs answers and needs to have her say.

It's hard to say, "you've hurt me" to your T, but it is very healing.

One of the wonderful lessons I learned in therapy is that I can say these things to T, and T will listen and not punish me for telling her how I feel.

Well, that's how it was for me, and I'm hoping it will be the same for you.
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc.

Add that to your tattoo, Baby!
Thanks for this!
yang0868
  #33  
Old Jan 27, 2012, 08:05 PM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 19,179
Yang, it is really important to tell your T about this because right now it is standing between you 2 and it will interfere with your therapy. It won't break you apart. Talking about this kind of stuff actually brings you closer together.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
Thanks for this!
rainbow_rose, yang0868
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