Even when it goes okay I feel terrible (possible trigger)

Do you have family contact now? Can you or have you ever cut it off?

I do have family contact. I don't have any reason not to. We all get along fine. No drama.

really? warm fuzzy lovefest fine? all is forgiven about the rough teasing and csa fine? we all celebrate each other's successes fine? we're so happy you found a life partner fine? gee bro and sis I think you're doing a great job raising your kids, no weirdness there fine? Or just, we all keep our mouths shut so there is no drama "fine".

Have you been spying on my family?

I was gonna come back and write, "or maybe that's just MY family!" thanks for that!

Stopdog, there is NO SUCH THING as "not really bad" CSA/beatings. It IS abuse and it is clear that is why you have such an extreme reaction to humiliation now-it (unconsciously) reminds you of your childhood. Your T is right, but you have to see this for yourself and i truly hope that you can see with new eyes that you never deserved to be treated that way and you deserve now to be happy. We are here for you!

Well a warm fuzzy lovefest would freak me out from any source including the family. I would probably think someone was dying if anyone got all fuzzy. There was nothing to forgive, it is just how it worked. I am fairly low drama all the time, and if there is drama going on with siblings,I might not know it. The remaining parent does not believe in drama. They live several states away from me. We are not best friends, but we are generally civil and supportive of each other. The csa was with a more distant relative.

Thanks. I don't really think of my past as deserved or not. It just was how children were treated. I don't think I am unhappy. Perhaps not deliriously joyful, but not actively unhappy. I will ponder on it.

BUT, these things affected you and your development..................

Well i guess, but how does that lead to therapy always being awful even when it appears as though the t and I had an okay exchange? Why does okay feel no better than not okay? (I don't expect anyone can anwer this for me, I am just perplexed)

Because of what could have been. My favorite fairy tale used to be The Emperor's New Clothes. What's yours? (and tell me what's "wrong" with my choice.)

Because you feel awful inside?

You have a healthy contempt for authority.

I am sorry I don't understand what this means.

i thought all fairy tales were scary. I don't think I had a favorite.

You feel bad because you feel bad. It isn't from therapy. It is from your past and how you reacted to it.

Throughout the week I can feel a range. The awfulness waxes and wanes. My response to therapy -whether good or bad - is all bad. I will relook at info on attachment.

Have you read about "narcissistic injury"? It's not related to narcissistic personality disorder. It could be used to describe what happened to you as a result of your T's "joke" at your expense, and the rough teasing you endured as a child. I think this is the kind of info T's should be more forthcoming with. I know that just reading about Narc. Injury isn't going to cure it, but for the client to understand the concepts and see examples and be able to say, yes this happened to me, too - instead of this DATA just being in the T's head, like they're going to say some voodoo words and cure it in you. NOT. WTF. T's are not very good at sharing! It's not IN their job description, and IMO it's why therapy so often doesn't work. But I don't really know a practical way to fix it. Unless they start handing out little pamphlets like they do at other doctors - "All about your hemorrhoids" "All about your sibling rivalry". idk not that easy, different schools of thought, etc.