Dropping into the yuck

Rather than hijack Squiggles' thread, I thought I'd ask this question in a new thread:

so, it was something you just couldn't remember, but you finally let go and then did? How did that work? How do you let go? I have only fragments of memories of certain areas of my life, which, combined with abject terror that pops up in reference to certain actions by others, or smells, or whatever, lead me to believe that there is even more gross horrible stuff lurking somewhere in my memories. I cannot, however, access it. How did you do that?

I have a very similiar problem. No answers though.

Boy, I wish I had the answer for you, but I'm pretty sure I don't. Like you, I had partial memories but did a really good job of just kind of turning my back on them and not looking at them, minimized them in my mind, etc.

It's been so long ago that I'm having trouble piecing together how it all happened (sorry about that).

I had names, faces, places, dates, etc., but the details were all but non-existent. My T cued in on the names I used to refer to these people; there was a marked difference between what I called the woman and what I called the man, and he found that indicated that more had gone on than I was willing to recognize. So, one day, he walked me through that house, from the front door and through every room, having me talk about what I remembered about those rooms. I just followed along and trusted him to be by my side as we looked around. We hit one particular room and I could remember what happened there in kind of a brief snapshot sequence, but had a really strong physical/emotional reaction to what I was remembering. He just slowly allowed me to pull up the details as I turned the snapshots (which were one dimensional and neutral and really my protection) into the stories behind the snapshots (which were three dimensional and loaded with emotion/sensation).

I have since taken a similar journey with my current T into the room that I am most afraid of. I haven't been able to piece it all together there. T suspects I was so dissociated at the time of the event that I probably won't ever get a full picture of that room. But I know enough. I'm okay with that.

I've come to a place where I believe I know all I'll ever know about those weeks in that house. I can accept that. I know what happened was brutal and life altering even if I don't have all the details. I know I took beliefs about myself and the world around me out of that experience. I can work on those beliefs without having to know all the details. As my T says, it is a memory of something that happened a long time ago. It isn't happening to me now, and won't happen to me now because I'm an adult now and wouldn't for a minute allow myself to be treated that way ever again. I have the power now that I didn't then.

That probably doesn't answer your question, but I guess sometimes we have to accept that what we know is all we will know, and instead of focusing on the graphic details, we need to focus on what became of us as a result of whatever we went through (even if we don't exactly know what it was). Work with where we are.

Are these "simulated" visits, or did T actually come to the house? It sounds very real.

I had a similar experience. When I first started seeing my T, I had no childhood memories from the time I was 6 yo til I was 19 yo so definitely trauma there. It all unfolded from my memory in bits and pieces over time (about 4 years) with T walking me through dreams I remembered, smells that triggered memories, photographs, a man that scared me in a crowd (a perfect stranger), etc. He never put any words into my mouth or led me in any way, just let me speak whatever was on my mind or whatever associations came up. And little by little, a lot of the memories were restored.
There are still big chunks of my childhood that remain a mystery that I'll probably never remember. But the weight of those hidden memories and feelings is gone, so I'm pretty sure we've uncovered everything.
Give yourself time - it will happen - don't try to force it. Maybe start writing things down - little bits and pieces may not make sense now but may connect together later on. That's what I did and it definitely helped. Good luck

Definitely simulated. But it felt very real. That house is about 500 miles away.

I actually went back there after I got married to visit those people. In fact, I visited with them several times as an adult. Isn't that the most warped thing? That's how deep the repression was. Boggles my mind now that I think about it.

I wish I knew also, sometimes it's as though there must be answers somewhere inside and I'm waiting for a key or keys to access them only I don't know where it is and can't get to it and have no idea how and nor does anyone else. Sometimes I want so much to know, other times I want so much not to know, but either way I don't know how we get there

Let me know if you figure this out... I have a similar concern, in that it's struck both my T and my husband that the way I react to difficult emotions strongly resembles someone who has been through some kind of serious trauma. However, I don't have any recollection of such a thing, and have been coping that way since I can remember. I kind of half-wondered if something happened that pre-dates my ability to remember, or whether I just happen to deal with things in a way that looks like PTSD.

Then I found out (a few months ago) that a family member is actually an abuser (of another family member), and has been allowed to stick around as if everything was just a-ok. Which has smashed my world apart in many ways, but has recalled the worries I had before about a trauma I can't remember. Ugh.