[Lauru]

please don't read if you will get triggered. This is about a sexual assault and sui feelings.










17years ago I was sexually assaulted while in restraints at the county mental hospital by a staff member. I was only 22 at the time. I have compartmentalized it and shoved it down and not dealt with it for 17 years. Now my T and group T's office moved to a building right next to the county psych hospital. I can see the ward where I was attacked right outside the window and I have to drive by the hospital on my way to T and group T.

Needless to say, I have been having what my pdoc calls fear attacks. I hyperventilate, can't breathe, can't walk right and shake. This is the first time I have talked about it to my T and at group T and with my pdoc. They have all been so supportive.

However. I have been really depressed and suicidal. On top of all of this, there was an insurance snafu where they didn;t cover my meds for a few weeks and I was being weaned off of my meds. Luckily, with the help of my pdoc and T they got all my meds covered in 2 days time. But I am really struggling now with PTSD from the assault. I don't know what to do, what to tell my T other than I just want to die. I don't want to be that person. the one who was assaulted. That person died a long time ago.

My T has been really supportive and so has my group T and pdoc. I am afraid, so very afraid. This is the only T, group T and pdoc that have helped me in 22 years. I am afraid seeing them at that place, but I don;t want the person who hurt me to win either. I want to be stronger than him. I want to overcome this. I just don't know if I can. I also have CSA issues as well.

I don't really know why I am writing this, other than perhaps to get a little support. Can anyone relate to this at all? If so, how did you deal with it?

[CantExplain]

Ouch! I can see how that would be a serious trigger for you.

I get grumpy just driving through the suburb where my Bad Group used to be.

I went to the place where my Good Group used to meet and I cried because it was standing empty and unloved.

FANTASY:

Since it's right next door, maybe you and your T could stand together outside the front gate and you could point and say, "There! That's where it happened."

Not much, I know, but sometimes having T go the extra mile can be very healing.

[CantExplain]

Thinks: My T would probably say something fatuous about this being a "wonderful opportunity". Stupid betch.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by Lauru

please don't read if you will get triggered. This is about a sexual assault and sui feelings.

17years ago I was sexually assaulted while in restraints at the county mental hospital by a staff member. I was only 22 at the time. I have compartmentalized it and shoved it down and not dealt with it for 17 years. Now my T and group T's office moved to a building right next to the county psych hospital. I can see the ward where I was attacked right outside the window and I have to drive by the hospital on my way to T and group T.

Needless to say, I have been having what my pdoc calls fear attacks. I hyperventilate, can't breathe, can't walk right and shake. This is the first time I have talked about it to my T and at group T and with my pdoc. They have all been so supportive.

However. I have been really depressed and suicidal. On top of all of this, there was an insurance snafu where they didn;t cover my meds for a few weeks and I was being weaned off of my meds. Luckily, with the help of my pdoc and T they got all my meds covered in 2 days time. But I am really struggling now with PTSD from the assault. I don't know what to do, what to tell my T other than I just want to die. I don't want to be that person. the one who was assaulted. That person died a long time ago.

My T has been really supportive and so has my group T and pdoc. I am afraid, so very afraid. This is the only T, group T and pdoc that have helped me in 22 years. I am afraid seeing them at that place, but I don;t want the person who hurt me to win either. I want to be stronger than him. I want to overcome this. I just don't know if I can. I also have CSA issues as well.

I don't really know why I am writing this, other than perhaps to get a little support. Can anyone relate to this at all? If so, how did you deal with it?

I just want to offer my support. I have ptsd and was SA many times. I still lives in close proximity to my abuser, so it is very triggering. I get how you feel. Some days when the flashbacks and the guilt is bad I have sui thoughts. Sometimes its consumes my entire day. I told my T about them. He said as long as I don't have intent then its an understandable response what I've been through. He worries about me nonetheless. I am also going through med changes, which is making these feelings quite the roller coaster. Hang in there, and be gentle on yourself. Its will get better.

[Perna]

Oh, how very hard for you! My senile stepmother was hospitalized in the same wing my mother died of a brain tumor in, 45 years earlier, and I had to visit her. It was at a large Navy base complex and I kept having flashbacks to the time between when my mother died and my father remarried and just after that; my stepmother use to tell the story of the first time she took me to that hospital (I was 5) I proudly announced to an elevator full of people, "This is the hospital where my mommy died!" I had a heck of a time getting from my car though to the room to visit my stepmother; the flashbacks were so thick of being 3-6 years old. It did not help that I was in therapy for that reason; my stepmother was not able to "care" for me so who would now? I had merged the two mothers and here one was helpless and dying all over again.

Do you have any friends who could walk with you, escort you to your therapy sites (and then pick you up afterwards?). Having solid people in my "now" life talking/listening to me would help me I think.

[Chopin99]

I do not deal with PTSD or SA, but I just wanted to stop and give you support, Lauru.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Ouch! I can see how that would be a serious trigger for you.

I get grumpy just driving through the suburb where my Bad Group used to be.

I went to the place where my Good Group used to meet and I cried because it was standing empty and unloved.

FANTASY:

Since it's right next door, maybe you and your T could stand together outside the front gate and you could point and say, "There! That's where it happened."

Not much, I know, but sometimes having T go the extra mile can be very healing.

My T is trying to desensitize me by being outside with me. But just walking out the door I started having an attack. We went back inside. We are taking baby steps. My T even walks me to my car. She is awesome.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Perna

Oh, how very hard for you! My senile stepmother was hospitalized in the same wing my mother died of a brain tumor in, 45 years earlier, and I had to visit her. It was at a large Navy base complex and I kept having flashbacks to the time between when my mother died and my father remarried and just after that; my stepmother use to tell the story of the first time she took me to that hospital (I was 5) I proudly announced to an elevator full of people, "This is the hospital where my mommy died!" I had a heck of a time getting from my car though to the room to visit my stepmother; the flashbacks were so thick of being 3-6 years old. It did not help that I was in therapy for that reason; my stepmother was not able to "care" for me so who would now? I had merged the two mothers and here one was helpless and dying all over again.

Do you have any friends who could walk with you, escort you to your therapy sites (and then pick you up afterwards?). Having solid people in my "now" life talking/listening to me would help me I think.

My T says to call her when I come driving up. She also walks me to my car. She is awesome. The other people in my group have been really supportive as well. They are an awesome group of people. I guess I have been pretty lucky with all this support, considering.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Lauru

My T is trying to desensitize me by being outside with me. But just walking out the door I started having an attack. We went back inside. We are taking baby steps. My T even walks me to my car. She is awesome.

I'm glad your T is awesome.

[growlycat]

I love that she walks you to your car! Maybe as things get better you can go for therapy walks w/her? Replace the awful associations with good ones!

Just wanted to show support --have been Sui before.

[granite1]

i am so sorry that this has happened to you.i bet it will take time to get past this trigger.i am glad your T is being so helpful in giving you what you need.be patient with you

[Lauru]

Thanks all for the kind replies. I just left an urgent message for my T. I am having some serious sui thoughts and strangely, I feel very calm now. Somehow, I don;t think that is a good sign. So I am off for a nap, and hopefully I will wake up an entirely different person. At least i can hope. Please don't fear, when I can't control my suicidal urges, I always get help. I am always afraid I will kill myself at the wrong time for the wrong reason and that I will regret it. If that makes any sense. When I go, I want to know it is the best choice for me, which ironically, that is when I call and get help. I am very confusing,especially to myself.

[SoupDragon]

Hi (((Laura))) - I am so sorry this happened to you.

When I have fear associated with memories, my T tells me to remember that those things are not happening now, that I am safe and they are "just" thoughts and feelings - I am working on that one, my head gets what he means, but those feelings can be so horrible that I want to escape them.

I am glad that you manage to reach out when your sui thoughts are strongest, these thoughts always do pass, but sometimes I know for me while they are there they can twist things and trick me into believing they are a good solution.

Your group and your T do sound very wonderful and I would have faith that they will continue to help you through this hard time.

Let us know how you are doing - Soup