wednsdays!!!!

granite1 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:19 PM

so this is my new day Wednesdays at 5:00pm

the only bad thing i can think of is if i have any problems after session she is out of the office until Monday's so she wouldn't get back to me until Monday. thank god i don't need to call her much.

she asked right away how i felt about calling her Tuesday

.i said i don't know.i didn't want to tell her all that was going on in my head then.she then said she had my new time and day and she wrote it down and it will be Wednesdays at 5.so I'm not missing next weeks appointment now

I'm just seeing her on wed.

i then told her that i felt bad about calling her and thanked her for calling me back on Wednesday and how that helped .i told her that i quit my job but i didn't think that was a bad thing.she asked what i wanted to do and i said hide in the back of a closet for the rest of my life

and she said that i already do that.

and we kind of laughed.

she asked me if i thought that i wouldn't be able to find something that i enjoyed doing and that had people that i liked and that liked me.she said that she thought that was possible for me .i just told her that i didn't believe that at all. not sure about the rest of this i don't remember it all probably because i didn't want to hear what she said. she started talking something about me sharing what is going on would help.i told her that i was scared that she would hate me or get mad at me if i told her what was going on in my mind.she said that i need to see that she has never gotten mad at me for this and i reminded her that i haven't told her what was going through my head so it is working.we had to laugh at that because i think she knew i was right.

the next big think was

i was able to tell her i was scared to tell her what was going through my mind on Monday that if i did she wouldn't have changed my day.then ducked waiting for her response. she talked to me about that a lot .about how it was amazing that i called her and how that was really good.that she understands my fear of asking her for something and if she says no i am devastated and if she said yes i don't deserve it.to this i responded EXACTLY so I'm basically screwed so it is best i just not ask.she said there are ways she can help me with all this and she started hinting about me sharing what was going through my mind.i wasn't able to talk after that but i let her know this

.i told her that i cant really deal much more so she let me go a few min early.i was OK with that because i was scared she was going to push me to talk more and i knew i wasn't going to be able to.i already feel like i talked a novel.and i was tired and confused and wasn't paying attention much at that point.but i talked a lot it may have been on a very basic level without a lot of feeling or info but i did open my mouth

rainbow8 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:25 PM

It sounds really productive!!! You talked, laughed, and have a new day!!!

Jan 30, 2012, 10:25 PM

You did GREAT!! Congratulations on your new appointment day/time. YOU DID it, Granite! You asked for what you needed and got your answer, a positive and supportive answer. Sounds like you did a wonderful job of communicating with her today. You even let her know when you were tired and ready to stop today. Really wonderful.

rainbow_rose · Jan 30, 2012, 10:29 PM

you are awesome, granite!

granite1 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It sounds really productive!!! You talked, laughed, and have a new day!!!

i'm not panicked.i think this is good but i am tired.i feel calm

yang0868 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:34 PM

Welcome to the Wednesday or hump day club. I go to therapy on Wednesdays as well. I'm proud of you for voicing your needs.

granite1 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You did GREAT!! Congratulations on your new appointment day/time. YOU DID it, Granite! You asked for what you needed and got your answer, a positive and supportive answer. Sounds like you did a wonderful job of communicating with her today. You even let her know when you were tired and ready to stop today. Really wonderful.

wow i didn't really see me telling her that i had enough as a good thing but i guess you are right usually i would just sit in silence untill she says time is up.

Wren_ · Jan 30, 2012, 10:35 PM

granite ... it sounds like it went so well, that you did so well ... I'm really happy for you and that's great you got Wednesdays

Jan 30, 2012, 10:38 PM

Awesome job, granite

granite1 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yang0868

Welcome to the Wednesday or hump day club. I go to therapy on Wednesdays as well. I'm proud of you for voicing your needs.

thanks.i hope it works for me .i feel good about it right now.i was even thinking of showing her my list of what was going through my head and see what will happen.it doesn't seem like she will think it is bad or talk the day change away.

karebear1 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:41 PM

Sounds like T really understands the way you think about things granite. I'm so glad you were able to open up to her so much more this time. It seems like it wasn't all that long ago when speaking to her AT ALL was an impossible feat for you- but look how far you've come. This is a good T you have. She's really letting you take things at your own speed (my T does this too and if she ever tries to push and realizes I'm not ready yet, so clearly backs off and apologizes to me) and in your own time. She is meeting your needs- it's really good to see! Are you finding it easier to relate to her now?

I'm happy for your new time and day! It sounds just heavenly!!

granite1 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigergirl

granite ... it sounds like it went so well, that you did so well ... I'm really happy for you and that's great you got Wednesdays

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

Awesome job, granite

thanks

. i think i will feel really ok about it and be able to set all this to rest if i come clean about my thoughts otherwise i will always feel a bit of doubt.i'm going to give it a try wednsday.
it is so strange knowing i wasnt going to haveT next week and now i am

ECHOES · Jan 30, 2012, 10:50 PM

granite, wow, this is so great to hear! You were awesome, and you don't have to worry about Monday holiday's anymore! yay!!
And, sometimes... those times of feeling calm after a great session like that, are the most wonderful kind of calm

granite1 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by karebear1

Sounds like T really understands the way you think about things granite. I'm so glad you were able to open up to her so much more this time. It seems like it wasn't all that long ago when speaking to her AT ALL was an impossible feat for you- but look how far you've come. This is a good T you have. She's really letting you take things at your own speed (my T does this too and if she ever tries to push and realizes I'm not ready yet, so clearly backs off and apologizes to me) and in your own time. She is meeting your needs- it's really good to see! Are you finding it easier to relate to her now?

I'm happy for your new time and day! It sounds just heavenly!!

i am terrified when i am talking to her.but i am going to try to tall her some of this stuff she just didn't seem so scary today.i started to completely panic when i thought she was going to push me to talk about last monday.i wasn't prepaired to do that .so maybe if i know i will talk about it next week

granite1 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ECHOES

granite, wow, this is so great to hear! You were awesome, and you don't have to worry about Monday holiday's anymore! yay!!
And, sometimes... those times of feeling calm after a great session like that, are the most wonderful kind of calm

i agree it really seems to be.i'm kind of thinking it is kind of cool

crazycanbegood · Jan 30, 2012, 10:56 PM

you're amazing, granite! you should be proud of yourself. T is proud of you too.

karebear1 · Jan 30, 2012, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

i am terrified when i am talking to her.but i am going to try to tall her some of this stuff she just didn't seem so scary today.i started to completely panic when i thought she was going to push me to talk about last monday.i wasn't prepaired to do that .so maybe if i know i will talk about it next week

it should really help you to ease the panic knowing that , while she may want to talk about it, she has given way to what you needed in the moment granite.

I know I am so close to approaching talking to my T about some serious stuff and I am feeling so like you do- about being afraid. For me it's mostly about being afraid to say certain words and admit that some things happened, it's not her I'm afraid of. As hard as I might try, I cannot get myself to let the words out of my mouth. Is it T you're afraid of or the topic of conversation?

granite1 · Jan 30, 2012, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by karebear1

it should really help you to ease the panic knowing that , while she may want to talk about it, she has given way to what you needed in the moment granite.

I know I am so close to approaching talking to my T about some serious stuff and I am feeling so like you do- about being afraid. For me it's mostly about being afraid to say certain words and admit that some things happened, it's not her I'm afraid of. As hard as I might try, I cannot get myself to let the words out of my mouth. Is it T you're afraid of or the topic of conversation?

sometimes both.i get scared she will hate me but as far as my past goes all and every part of it seems to be dificult on every level.my T will ssay some simple word and OMG it sends me into a complete panic and head spin.every warning thoughts start screaming in my head.i don't know if i will ever be able to talk to her.

what kind of things are you doing that are helping you get ready to talk about these things

googley · Jan 30, 2012, 11:16 PM

Yay for Wednesdays!!!! That is so awesome!!!!!

velcro003 · Jan 30, 2012, 11:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

thanks.i hope it works for me .i feel good about it right now.i was even thinking of showing her my list of what was going through my head and see what will happen.it doesn't seem like she will think it is bad or talk the day change away.

DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!!!

Granite there aren't enough smiley's in the world for how PROUD I AM and HAPPY FOR YOU about this. You are just doing an amazing, amazing job opening up to T.

karebear1 · 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

sometimes both.i get scared she will hate me but as far as my past goes all and every part of it seems to be dificult on every level.my T will ssay some simple word and OMG it sends me into a complete panic and head spin.every warning thoughts start screaming in my head.i don't know if i will ever be able to talk to her.

what kind of things are you doing that are helping you get ready to talk about these things

Well, that is a good question. I emailed T today to see if I could see her or talk to her on the phone or if we could email back and forth to each other sometime today because I was feeling really panicky about stuff.

My husband and I had gone on a tour of a place where they make rum. The smell of the place reminded me of my grandfather. Now..... I can't ever smell a thing. I have lost my sense of smell, but in this instance, the smell of that rum wafted over me and instantly I said to my husband, "This place smells like my grandfather." (I don't drink at all, so I'm very unfamiliar with the smell of any kind of alcohol) Anyway- that smell took me back to partial bad memories. I know what happened to a point and then I go blank. Those memories just keep rolling around and around in my head until I start to feel dread at what lies beyond what I do remember.

All that explanation to say...... I want to talk, but what I feel happened in the past (beyond what I do know has happened) is so scary and bad that I can't let it out. I was trying to tell T today, but I couldn't. It's llike the words just freeze coming out of my mouth. T suggested that if i wrote it down it might help. This has helped me before. So, I'm gonna try again. It usually takes a few times of writing and saying it to myself before I can say it to T though.

I don't know if that's what you're lookig for or not, but if you can come up with other ways to ease into talking to T about the hard core stuff- please let me know. For me, it's been 2 years of first, not talking at all, and second- talking in terms of generality and growing to feel that she truly cares about me before I've been able to really do any therapy and even then, I wouldn't say I've gotten all that far. T will tell me that I've come a long way- and will remind me of when I couldn't talk to her, and that helps put things in a better perspective for me. It also helps me when you post, because I can see the advances you are making- and how hard it is to do, and I can see that if I'm impressed with how and what you are doing, that I should be impressed with my efforts as well. So- THANK YOU so much for having the courage and the ability to write and express your feelings so well here on PC. You have helped me along in a big way.

unaluna · 01:02 AM

I just keep reading all these posts over and over. so wonderful, granite. and your T has a sense of humor, who knew?! I loved when you told her your plan was working!

ETA: We got new channels on the tv tonight, I don't know why, maybe it was nice weather and the maint guys went up on the roof and straightened the antenna today, ANYWAY, I was watching "ME-TV" which is like tvland? and the Perry Mason episode tonite was - I kid you not - "THE CASE OF THE WEDNESDAY WOMAN"