Jealous of you n your perfect therapists

Of course I know there is no such thing as perfect..... I mean really!!!

I actually do this. Like I have a boundary that I don't fall in love with married men. I just don't go there and wouldn't allow it to happen. Very firm boundary. So I get how a person could have a similar boundary in another context. My mind lends itself easily to compartmentalization, though, and I'm not sure that is always healthy. At least in this instance, though, it does save me from getting into uncomfortable and painful situations.

I really hope that most posters will understand that I do not think that there are perfect relationships or perfect people or perfect jobs/marriages/pets/planets.

Clearly, my tongue-in-cheek thing bombed.

Sorry to those who were taking things a little more literally than I intended.

Do you mean you're going to look for a new T, mcl??

That's a big decision - how do you feel? Relieved? Scared? Angry? Something else?

Thinking of you

Not in perfect therapy by any means but what we have is special in large part because we worked really hard to create what we both want out of the relationship. We talk constantly about us and the process and we often set up goals that can be accomplished in a session. If the goals are not met, we review and do it again until we get it right. So much of the therapy is the relational piece with the therapist. It is easy to overlook this piece and just talk about stuff going on in your life. If you are truly interested in building a relationship with your therapist, then let them know and start doing relational therapy. There are many good books out that describe this process either theoretically or through a novel. Check out some of Yalom's later novels. They are fun to read and can possibly guide you, too. Good luck!

I apologize because I certainly didn't mean to sound unsupportive. I just wanted to add my voice to the many responses. That's why I like the forum. Out of ALL of our voices together, hopefully, posters can find something that will be helpful.

I hate that your therapist doesn't meet your needs and that you have invested SO much time and energy trying to find someone to help you. Therapy isn't easy to begin with, so finding the right therapist is essential.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

I'm sorry if my post made you angry (if that is indeed what it did - it feels to me that you're reply is angry, but tone is difficult to know through words alone), that was not my intention.

The thing with writing, is that tone is difficult to convey, as I said above. It's not always easy to know if someone is joking or being sarcastic etc etc.

I missed this post while I was writing my reply. I wish you luck finding a T that works for you

*Willow*

Oh. Hmm. Is there a water balloon smilie? Or do ya want we should just sic zoo's new T on ya???

You say you want to be supported but you're not getting what you want from the replies. I understand that because when that happens to me I feel like I want to scream.

So, do you want support for leaving your T? For not having the T you want? For feeling crummy? For feeling jealous? For finding a new T?
I want to be supportive but I'm not sure what you're looking for. Can you say more? In the meantime, I hope these hugs will help a little.

hi ... since my surgery last year i've fallen way behind in keeping up with what is going on with everyone; but I thought you'd only just left your T then ... so is this a new T you are wanting to move on from or did you return again to old T ?
I totally understand the wanting to find the good things others mention in relationships with their T's and hope you find it

MCL, I think people were misunderstanding what you were looking for in posting this thread. I know my brain went to the therapists I saw who didn't help at all, and how lucky I feel to have found this particular therapist. And I also started thinking about the fact that my husband saw this same therapist and didn't like him AT ALL. So my "perfect therapist" was totally the wrong therapist for someone else.

What I didn't understand was that you were going to change therapists, and that you wanted support, until I read the whole thread. [REALLY glad I read the whole thread before commenting because sometimes I just leap in with a thought.] I don't think there was any ill intent on the part of the people posting. Really.

I think the right T is out there for you. I talked to three other therapists before finding the right person for me. I sincerely hope that you find the right person soon.

My t is not a warm and fuzzy kind of t either. No hugs. He just hands me a kleene to cry into. He's been there for me when I needed someone to call.

But I do trust him because he tells me the way it is. There's no B.S. trying to figure out what he means. This works for me. I've been going to him for six years now so we have figured each other out by now. No touching! Thank you!

I am sorry to hear it did not work out with this latest one.

I think we were all, in various ways, trying to support you to the extent it was understood what kind of support you were looking for.

It has happened to me too. Possibly even in this thread.

I hope you can find one who is as good and works as well as your one who retired. It is exhausting to keep trying to find one that will be a good match.

MCL, I do find myself envious, sometimes, of the relationships others have with their T's. It does seem to come more naturally to others then I have experienced in my own personal therapy.

The personalities ( and boundaries) of my T's have been vastly different than many of the T's mentioned here.

Sometimes, it makes me sad. Sometimes, it makes me curious what it is about the relationship that makes me stay. When I read about other T's and the great lengths they go for their clients, it DOES feel like I am not worthy of the same type of experience. I know this is MY past.

I hope your next T has the very human magic that you described here.

(((((mcl))))))

So very glad that you brought this up!! When things are going well with T I feel like I'm bragging.

But today, I feel like you do. The warm fuzzies aren't as permanent as I'd like. Maybe I only post when things feel great? I guess I should be clear when things are going horribly wrong too!

So it fluctuates. I hope that you get your good days in too. Maybe its just early in the process for you? If things consistently feel bad, them maybe you should explore a new T. With one T it took me 2 years to figure out we sucked out loud together.

So take the glowing reports with a pound of salt!!

WOW I finally got to end of this thread, good posting! I don't have a t at the moment so take that! You guys are my warm fuzzie, aren't you lucky! lol! I just want to say Thanks and I really do mean that.

Oh yeah....ps.......the downside of hugs.... when am I getting another?????? Nothing is ever enough for me. The neediness doesn't fully go away.

I guess the thread about teasing was especially germane for me. I wrote the whole thing about perfect Ts and perfect relationships with a ton of salt.

I know there's no such thing as perfect. But what I would like some support for is continuing the ACTUAL SEARCH for a therapist.

Because I'm about to give up. In the last year, I've had one HORRID therapist, and one pretty good one whose approach is not what I want or need. I've dealt with some stuff, but I do not think this T is at all equipped to deal with some other issues that I want to surface really really bad. I'm not going to be parting on bad terms with this T but I will be parting (probably next week or the week after). I have given this T the old college try, and ....I'm wasting my money. Like $500 a month...and I cannnot begin to afford that.

I feel like a lot of the encouragement that happens on this board is about cheering people on to return and I'm with that. If I think people need that little extra pocket rider thing, I jump in. But what if...all teasing aside, you just know in your heart that you need to move on again? That's where I am.....

And that really sucks out loud, as you say.

the idea of trundling into yet another office, and the whole tell-my-story thing makes me want to hurl. But I don't think I'm getting anywhere with this t. I am going to take the weekend to think about whether I would go back to where I was five or so years ago...where I did some really good soul-searching and leapt out of a constraining relationship and moved into much more happiness and contentment. Since then, the two therapists I've seen have done me minimal good while costing me HUGE money.

The real problem is..I feel like the most therapeutically promiscuous person on this freaking board!!! Like the girl who has dated everyone round and round...the town bike!!!

Sorry...time to calm down. Thank you for chiming in. Your (salty) words helped.

Growly cat ...

Please don't feel like you're bragging when you share success.

I do not want to be a wet blanket on success.....

I'm sorry if I sent that bad vibe!

I have to say, I love the phrase, "therapeutically promiscuous." I really, really do. Just sitting here smiling.

Okay, that aside, mcl, I do not think that your inability to find the right T for you, SO FAR, says anything about you as a person. It's not like you're having disastrous, completely inappropriate interactions with these people. You had one therapist who just wasn't a good therapist, and one therapist with whom you did not have the rapport you need. That says nothing about you as a person.

Look at it this way: I tried one therapist who kept treating me like I was insane. At EVERY meeting, she checked to make sure I was oriented to Who am I, where am I, what day is it. REALLY, *****? Really??? I am POSITIVE my IQ is way higher than yours. I am depressed. I am not stupid or out of touch with reality. It was literally at the point where I would walk in, sit down, and say, "I'm oriented times three; can we move on?" If I'm familiar with the phrase "oriented times three" can you just take my word for it? NO? Okay, I quit.

THEN I had another female therapist who, after my husband came in to my appointment with me because he was really concerned about me because I had disclosed that I was so depressed that I was having to break the day down in to segments because I could not stand the thought of living through the entire day, proceeded to YELL at me. She wanted to know if I thought about how my saying that would make my husband feel. I should have thought of that before I said such a thing to him, because I should have known how bad my saying that would make my husband feel.

Then, I tried to see another therapist, but she spent the whole laughing at me and never seemed to think I really had a problem because I'm very funny when I'm stressed out. Then I tried another therapist but had huge issues with my insurance company and the company that the therapist worked for were completely unhelpful, so I quit again.

Then, I gave up on therapy and treatment for about ten years. For ten years, I lived with a chronic constant nagging depression and feeling that I was completely inadequate and didn't really deserve to live.

Now I'm depressed again. Because I see your point. Maybe it does say something about me that I failed at therapy with so many people.

thank you for asking. I feel scared. Also angry. Also broke. Yeah it is a really big decision.

but i have been on a few weeks break here and have felt so much relief already. I don't feel like it's the 'let-myself-off-the-hook relief" that I sometimes feel when I've weenied out of something tough. It's the "that wasn't right for me" relief.

If ya know what I mean.

It just says we're at the end of the bell curve! WHICH end, being the problematic question...?

I wasn't trying to hijack, mcl. I was trying to make a point but got depressed and gave up before I got there. My point was that you wouldn't judge me for not finding the right therapist on the first try, and you shouldn't judge yourself. Right? Or maybe not. Anyway. I'm going to get ice cream now.

I just finished the chocolate so I get that...

I actually got your point right before I got the chocolate.

thanks......you're correct!

I agree....the strength of the forum is in the replies and the discussion. And the open attitudes here, yours included!