Jealous of you n your perfect therapists

I hope you find one who works for you. I have seen over 14 this past year and a half trying to figure out whether I have an adequate situation with the one I can't seem to leave or not. I know the search is exhausting.

I'm a little hesitant to reply, as I am one who tends to err on the side of "go back and work it out," but I guess to me, for whatever it's worth, how many therapists anyone has seen isn't necessarily related to whether they should find a new one or stick with their current one.

I think therapy is like any sort of relationship we choose to get into, including romantic ones. To paraphrase Carrie Bradshaw, when it comes to relationships, we're all in glass houses and shouldn't throw stones. It's easy to make snap judgments about ourselves and others based on a raw number of relationships... but really, it doesn't even scratch the surface of the whole story. I guess the only thing is, like with romantic relationships, if someone is ending a relationship for the same reason every single time, there's probably a problem.

When I was younger, I had friends who wanted to have an impressive scorecard to show that they were desirable. More recently, I've had friends who turn perfectly eligible men down because they want to show that they aren't too easy. Neither number-oriented strategy has really resulted in happy people... so, I don't think a number is worth all that much, nor do I think it says anything about you.

Another similarity between therapists and suitors: there are a lot of frogs out there.

Let's see... I saw one T in college for a couple years, and had to end it because he only worked at the school and didn't have a private practice. That was really sad. I saw a MT there who WASTED my time (not my H's... he was all she ever wanted to talk about...). I saw someone briefly at my graduate school, and I didn't really like her because she started giving me advice within the first 40 minutes. Then the office called MY PARENTS instead of me, so I didn't go back for a year. I saw another T just once to consult about how to start therapy again, but even though I instantly loved her, she didn't take my insurance, which was awful. But she referred me to another person at my graduate school who was much better, and he saw me for a little while then referred me outside (standard protocol) to my current T. Is that too many Ts? I have no idea!! But all I know is I'm happy with my T now, despite the various mistakes and ruptures with him that I've posted on this forum in the past. That's all that matters... so if you think a new T (or no T) would make you happier, that doesn't make you a therapy ho in my opinion.

now that's a keeper a...therapy ho!!!

What would YOUR dream T be? What do you really want from a therapist that you think may help YOU?

If you answered that question with certainty, have you ever told your T you have now that?

I had a couple of T's that I honestly didn't think helped me, however I didn't have the funds to continue with one of the T's and I was actually glad in the end because she misdiagnosed me. And I knew it was a misdiagnoses because all I did is give her the value of a horse that was damaged. She obviously didn't believe me, and to be honest, if I have to bring in a written appraisal, I don't want to be with that T.

I think for me? the most important thing I need my therapist to do is listen and believe me. I already know that telling stories that are not real don't help anyone, I am only interested in telling the truth, all of it, so the T knows me, what I am dealing with and can get a picture of how I truely struggle. And I am not in therapy to PLEASE a therapist by acting, I am there to be the REAL me and find out what I may not see or understand. And no matter what I am feeling that day I have my appointment, I show it and talk about it. I already know I am struggling and I want my T to see all of how I struggle. I also read about what I am dealing with and I ask questions and engage my T. I don't really need a hug, I need therapy, answers. But that is just me. Clinical?, well yes, I want some of that, I want to know that T knows what he/she is doing. I also know that my T has learned from me, why? because I engage him and together we find answers. To be honest, we are all so unique that no T is going to be what we need unless we tell THEM. But we also have to be willing to show a T who we are, otherwise it is just a wasted guessing game IMO.

But what about you? What do you want your therapist to be for you?

Open Eyes

I wish I could be more helpful, I really do like this thread.

Some people do better in group therapy, others individual, for others...there may be something else out there. I can't relate to religion but I know some find solace there.

If you keep jumping out of therapy and back in, you may want to stick it out. But it is possible that you have had lousy luck with the therapist "fit" too. I stated in someone else's thread that getting a 3rd part T to consult w/you and your current T --they may be able to give an unbiased view of what is happening.

If you want to keep searching, or keep going with the T or even something else isn't for any of us to say. Only you will know what feels right. I support you, whatever it is you are searching for!

mcl6136, I hope you will keep searching for the right T. An up side of your having seen several Ts is that I think you get more efficient at figuring out if the T will be what you need or not. So I think it is a good thing that you didn't stick with your latest T for long. You knew pretty quickly this was not what you wanted or needed. You wasted less time, less money. How have you looked for a T in the past? What about that method didn't help you to identify in advance that this newest T you saw was not going to be what you wanted? What could help you better identify a good candidate before you actually go see the T?

Ts sometimes write descriptions of themselves as therapists and the therapy they offer on their websites. Could you put together a list of key words that describe what you want in therapy and then see if you can find some matches out there in the big wide web world? For example, if I had to look for a new T, I would look for words in the T's self-descriptions like "journey", "heal/healing", "share", "create", "warm", "deep", and "transform." I wouldn't want an aloof and cold therapist, and I doubt many of that type would have the words from my list on their web site. Two particularly high-yield words for me would be the first two on my list. If the T quotes from poets or authors that I like at their site, that is a bonus. I really think you can tell a lot from a T's website, and although I have not used that method to find a T, I would try it if I needed to.

Another idea is to find a cooperative of therapists who have someone do an intake appointment, find out what you are looking for, and then match you to the best fit in the cooperative (or give you a couple of options). One cooperative I know of 20 Ts does this, and after the intake, they give you a list of 3 to try. Most places do not operate like this, but there are some that do. I think they might be particularly helpful for someone who has had trouble finding the right T.

Best of luck to you.

Hope you do not take my posts as a perfect therapy relationship. I am basically afraid of her. We spent the last ten minutes of therapy talking about what she is going to do to me. I want to communicate how much I appreciate the help. I have a healthy distrust of her as far as I am concerned. Took me 2 years after starting prozac to see a therapist. It is something I did not want but needed badly. I am surprised at myself for not quitting meds or therapy. Two weeks ago I wanted to tear her office apart and scream with the confrontation I received from her. My emotions are all over the place towards her. I shared my PC posts with her. The one about the tantrum on paper, which she read and did not comment. I agree with Faith, this is stuff we need to explore. Lacey

I can relate. I have had over half a dozen therapists in 20 plus years and have never been "close" with any of them. It is always a crossroad I come to...is it them or me? If my inability to develop close and meaningful relationships is a recurring issue, do I stick it out, even though the therapy feels like a mismatch? It's so hard to know. I look at therapists much like hairdressers or real estate agents, you have to weed through a lot of duds to find one that can work for you.

Thank you so much...funny, I have been thinking that some kind of group might be helpful!

MCL

love these suggestions. I have been trying this on a "hit or miss" basis, and I think I need to investigate much more...looking at the way the T frames themselves would be such a great approach. Thanks!

Mainly, I just pick someone, take a deep breath and plunge in when I think it would be so much better to be strategic!

I've had a lot of t's over decades. Around 13 I think. Most of them were very brief. I think some of the characteristics of my current t make him better for me than most of the others. As to the question of whether my previous difficulties were due to me or my previous t's, I think that's a question that doesn't and can't exactly have an answer. With the 4 or 5 more recent ones I quit, I'm mostly glad I quit with 3 of them and one of them I mostly think I didn't understand how to do therapy well enough.

my current t is not perfect and I periodically think about quitting. I'd like to have a good relationship with him but I don't know if it's an appropriate or possible goal. I think there's a risk of being too dependent on him in a way that's not helpful. I'm sometimes jealous of people who can talk to their therapists about so many things I can't imagine talking to mine about.

I hope you have good luck finding one you like.

I found my current T using the therapist locator on Psychology Today's website: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

You search by location and then all kinds of search criteria (issues, treatment orientation, religious affiliation, etc.). Each profile has a paragraph or two written by the T about him/herself, what insurance he/she accepts, issues he/she specializes in, office location and contact information, years in practice and education, etc. I read through these for about 60 therapists (knew I wanted a woman and a psychologist) before narrowing it down to 2 and then made appts with both. I saw my current T 2nd and knew after the first appt that she would be a good fit.

Good luck!

I also found my T on the Psychology Today site. It's really helpful! I picked about 5 or 6 Ts and called them all. A couple refused me or I didn't like the way they sounded on the phone. Actually I wanted to see a different T but she didn't accept my insurance. I asked her if there was someone like her, and she recommended my T, who is in the same building. I saw her once, then went to try someone else who was more experienced. I didn't know what to do. I asked my "now" T and she said to "go with your gut". The rest is history, as they say!

I knew what kind of T I didn't want but wasn't sure what I wanted. However, when I met my T and had that first session, I felt she was right for me, and she was, and is. I didn't want to make a quick decision though, so I saw the other one on my list too.

I also found the one I see off of the internet. She was listed on psychology today and two other psych sites. She was the right gender, in the right age range, did not seem to have any weirdo (to me) bent, and was located near my house and my job. Her picture did not scare me (it is not a great picture, just not awful).

Curious, Rainbow..you mentioned that you called several and a couple of them "refused" you. How could they even KNOW you from a phone call? Or was it that their client load was full or they didn't specialize in an area you needed to focus? I am glad it worked out for you.