Jealous of you n your perfect therapists

I just need to get something off my chest.

You all seem to have these marvelous relationships with your therapists.

When I virtually complain about mine, I feel like a skunk at the garden party.

I don't have a warm and fuzzy relationship with this T, or the last one. I cannot imagine holding hands with this T or the last one. Or thinking this T or the last one is giving me some kind of unconditional listening or support. Not this T or the last one.

Sometimes, reading this board makes me feel that there is something wrong with me...that I don't seem to be able to have those kinds of chats with Ts that only seem to happen in the movies.

After a session, I generally feel extremely stirred up...at best inspired, but never ...unconditionally understood or saved....

or "completed" by T.

I guess I'm jealous of some of you and your perfect therapy.

There, I've said it.

Please don't take this personally if you're in perfect therapy. But those of you who aren't....I could use a bit of support.

Imperfectly yours,

MCL

((((((mcl))))))!!!

My therapist isn't perfect, but we do have a really good relationship. Mainly, I think, because I got really lucky when I picked him.

We've had lots and lots of ruptures, but have been together for 4 1/2 years, and that's just a lot of time to connect and get close.

There is nothing wrong with you. !!!!

Of course there is nothing wrong with you!! I think if you feel like you could have a better relationship with your T, maybe you should bring that up. If you aren't getting what you need from your T then bring it up.

I don't feel any kind of super strong connection with my T.. but then again it has only be two months. I do trust him (kind of), and in general leave his office feeling better than when I walked in. He has never given me a hug or anything.. and I don't think that I would want that, at least at this point.

I am certain I am not one of the people of whom you are jealous (envious? I would have called it envy rather than jealousy). I have a stormy interaction with the therapist (I refuse to even refer to it as a relationship most times). I have no idea what is supposed to be going on, there is no warmth or fuzziness I can discern, I am not certain if she would remember my name if she did not write it down. I would not recognize her on the street. I usually leave feeling more frustrated, misunderstood, unheard and empty than before I go in each week. I would not assume it is you. (Although there seem to be some on the board who have indicated several times it is me).

I feel the same as Tree- that it's mainly down to T rather than me. I could write you a very long list of people who couldn't handle me and left me prior to T. And I'm always mindful that although T has lasted a lot longer than any of the others, there are no guarantees about what will happen.

T was telling me a bit about her husband's therapy style earlier today. My T freely loves me and tells me often and does lots of loving things. For her husband, she said, love is a boundary and he doesn't love his clients. If I were his client, *I* would be the same person, but what I got back would be very different. So, it's not you, it's them

Hi mcl6136 - I feel I want to respond to your post, but I am not sure what I want to say. I think there are alot of things in your post and maybe that is why I find it difficult to know how I want to respond.

What I do admire, is your willingness to be open and honest about how you feel - to take that risk - (that is something that I am hopeless at).

We all come to T as different people, with different experiences, different perceptions and therefore for all of us our journey is not going to map anyone elses.

I would love to be able to hug my T or even hold T's hand, that would for me mean real progress - it is not something I could contemplate now though, it would be too confusing for me.

I am sure I could find a more experienced T than the one I have and maybe that makes the T journey a little clumsy at times, but I came to the conclusion that life is just like that sometimes, we can't always have the most perfect of everything.

Above all I absolutely respect my T's professionalism and together with that goes my trust for T and therefore I have faith that T and I can figure it out together.

And I am imperfect too (could do a looooong list) - Soup

hmmm. Call me cynical! If my DH were a T, he'd darn well better tell me the same, lol

I wonder what he tells his clients.

MCL - it's not you. Every relationship is different. (((((( mcl ))))))

mcl: I feel your pain. I spent 2 years in a very imperfect T relationship. She was emotionally abusive, didn't trust or believe me, and I left every other time thinking that I should look for a new T. But then the next time was better, at least I thought so. I so wanted a close relationship w/ a T that I held onto whatever little crumb she threw my way and ultimately thought that any imperfection in our relationship was because of me. I began to believe that I didn't deserve a "good" T because I wasn't a "good" person. A "good" T is one who wouldn't judge me, who would look at the root my problems not just the surface, and who would believe me. The low point was that I was arrested for shoplifting and without talking to me - simply based on a panicked voicemail, she jumped to the conclusion that I did so to get her attention and manipulate her to see me more often, and no matter what I said (I'd shoplifted since before I knew her, I'd done so this time because I didn't have a job and was completely broke - shoplifted groceries) she stuck to her snap judgment.

I moved and had to look for another T. The one I found is the type of T whom I deserved all along. I hadn't changed really - if anything, I became worse over our two years after suffering through this bad relationship that reminded me of abusive ones with my parents. My point is saying this is that it was the T, not me that made the relationship perfect/imperfect since I hadn't changed.

As far as holding hands, hugging - this doesn't make a "perfect" relationship, in my case it actually made things worse. My imperfect T hugged me and held my hand all the time (once an entire 55 minute long session with our arms wrapped around each other in an embrace). In fact, this touching is precisely what made me stay in the abusive relationship. If she hadn't, I would have left and saved myself a lot of pain and lost time as it's been 17 months since we stopped working together and I still am suffering from this unhealthy relationship. A "perfect" relationship can very well be one without touch. My current T won't hold my hand, hugs me less and it's a 1000000000 times better relationship than my last one who did touch a lot. Two years ago, I never thought I would write such a thing, but it's for these precise reasons that some Ts never touch their clients.

Good luck to you. You deserve a perfect T relationship and I hope that you discover what "perfect" means for you and find a T who can give you this.

i would also say my T is far from perfect believe me i spend more time hating her and thinking she hates me.he does try very hard and works very hard.

i doubt it is you at all maybe you need to look for another T if you dont feel you are connecting with the T you have now.sometime you may need to see a lot of differnt T before you find one you connect with

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...therapy-client

The world's best therapy client.. that's me. Of course I have a wonderful relationship with my t, as I do with basically everyone... I'm a people pleaser. In the article above, that's me; my t is wonderful, there's no problem with our relationship, everything is good, every intervention is perfect, I don't need anything, I pay on time, never do outside of session contact (not that I don't sometimes feel the need to but b/c I don't what to bother him) and so on and so forth... but at the end, I'm not sure who's getting the most out of the therapy... Me, with my attitude of oh t you're so good and kind and all, or you, with allowing yourself to feel what you feel and being honnest about it? As long as I'll be this way, progress in therapy will be ssssslllllllooooowwww (if there's progress at all). But either way, in my case or in yours, our attitude and feelings are great stuff to explore and it is certainly something we need to work on

Take care
Faith

Don't think that everyone's T is all glitter and sunshine...
mine never does anything to actualy help me
besides telling me to "write in a journal"
"go for a walk" or
"make sure i eat and sleep right."
(things i can easily tell my self, and do)
i have no real relationship with her at all.
trust me, everyone's T is different.
But being different is what makes people normal.
if we were all the same we would be boring!
cheer up,

WOW! This is EXACTLY like my last therapist... I seriously wonder if it is the same person.

I really appreciate your reply. Lots of food for thought here. And to think...I never imagined that my ability to confront the lack of fuzziness/warmth might actually be a way to grow.

Thank you!

Wow! You mean if I don't have total SUCCOR from a therapist it might be okay???

Now that is sending me on a real think-a-thon!!

I feel exactly the same way mcl.... My T is anything but warm and fuzzy. I'm waiting on her right now ... Running late as usual ... I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me .... But what can I say ... I'm just not ready to find a new one, even though I kn

hope it goes well!!!

I have wondered about this too & can't decide how much of it is the perception of the client. I am obviously one to fight it so I view my therapy differently than others might.

SAWE, this made me smile I don't think my T has a problem sharing. And I'm thinking he can't have a problem sharing her love, given the very frequent texting, my cards by her bed, getting me presents... If anything he should be loving his clients in retaliation!... I do sometimes wonder what he makes of it all. But she can be open about it, so I guess he could/would too.

The strangest part for me is the concept that feelings can be 'boundaries'. I can't imagine not feeling love just because it was a boundary for me. We feel what we feel

well, im not saying it 's okay,
but what i am saying is that it happens.

Not every T out there is helpfull. plain and simple.

Some T's specilize in different areas that others don't.
It can be very difficult to find the right one for you.

but you shouldn't feel isolated about it, i havn't found the "right one" yet either.

Thanks for your thoughts....I think Cobain has some wisdom here as well.

Ah - but it's taken me 3 therapists and a lot of hard work and trust and time to have my "perfect" T now.

My current T isn't perfect, but she is really the ideal fit for me and is exactly what I need to help me heal at this time in my life.

The other T's I had...well, they kept me stable, but they didn't help me heal. I was missing the trust I have with my current T, and they were missing the understanding, knowledge, and experience that my current T has.

My T is warm and fuzzy-ish for me now. For the first six months, she was friendly, but distant and clinical. That didn't work with me; then she saw an opportunity to open herself up to me and it worked. I opened up to warm and fuzzy.

I talked to her about the change later. She was cold and clinical because I was distant and aloof. When she told me she had cancer, I softened a bit toward her (one day I had an appointment, she looked like she'd been run over by a truck). I asked what was wrong with her and she decided to take a risk, open up to me about her own problems, and it worked. We saw each other as human rather than clinician and lab rat.

So, your therapist may treat you a certain way based on how you act. If you are not getting the kind of treatment you want, ask for it. If you don't get it, consider someone else!

I have decided to move on.

Well, sometimes it really doesn't work. I have opened up to this t and asked questions and actually been explicit and SAID, I DON'T FEEL LIKE I DO WELL IN A vaccuum (sorry I've probably mis-spelled that). I need, at least at the beginning of sessions, to be able to have some back and forth, even if it feels like small talk at time.

No response.

Yes, I do need to move on. Which freaks me out...because I have been searching for the right match in a therapist for nearly a year and a half. Four years ago, I had a great therapist but she retired from practice, and sometimes, I long for someone half that good.

Which I suppose is why I wrote my post to begin with. She WAS NOT PERFECT because she was a human, but she was willing to be human, and that was part of her very-human magic!

And, you know what? I could really really use some support.

I don't think there is such a thing as a 'perfect T' or 'perfect relationship' with T or anybody to be honest, because we are all imperfect beings. There's also no such thing as unconditional - interaction is a two-way street and so both parties have to get something out of it for it to work. This is a bit complicated to explain, but I had an epiphany about it a few weeks ago. I was thinking about how I felt my Nan loved me 'unconditionally', and how I can't feel 'unconditional love/support' anymore because I always focus on the transaction nature of relationships. And I realised that the 'conditions' come from BOTH PARTIES - so the feeling that my Nan's love was unconditional wasn't coming from her, but actually coming from ME because I wasn't focusing on what the conditions were! Obviously there were conditions (she enjoyed spending time with me because I loved seeing her & got excited about spending time with her, and she got excited because my enthusiasm was infectious etc), but it felt 'unconditional' because I was in the moment and not focused on the conditions.

Anyway I guess that long-winded and complicated tale (I hope it makes sense? It's getting late here) was to ask if you are placing any conditions on your T relationship MCL?

Don't feel bad about not having the warm fuzzies after T - I don't. I don't want him to hug me or touch me or anything like that. I just want him to listen to me, and do his job, because it *is* his job, and I will do my job - turning up and on time, doing my homework, trying my best to make changes with T's help etc.

All the best MCL,

*Willow*