[precious things]

There is something I have been wanting to talk about in T but I just...can't ...get....the words...out. I find myself secretly hoping T will randomly bring this topic up and I can somehow take that as a cue to talk.

Some days I psyche myself up that this will be the day I finally go there...but when I get to my session I lose the nerve or impulse or the conversation steers far away from the issue and I take it as a sign that I shouldn't talk about it.

I know they aren't mind readers, I just dont know how to safely bring it up (and no way would I ever write it down....just not comfortable putting it on paper).

[pbutton]

I try to remember how disappointed I feel when I don't bring up the topic I wanted to talk about. Sometimes that helps me bring up the difficult thing. Or I try to talk about it on this board first. Writing it down or emailing it to T also helps me, but it sounds like that's not an option that interests you.

I totally understand!!!
If you were brave & brought it up yourself, how do u think u would feel when u went to bed that night?

[vanessaG]

Maybe you could bring up a very similar topic like oh I read this article, or my friends went through this...and then when the topics in the room you can say something about it?

I hope you can find a way to talk to your T about what you need to!

[SallyBrown]

Could you tell your T, "There's something I need to talk about, but I can't get the words out. Can you just talk me through until I get to it?" Kind of like 20 questions?

I've also e-mailed my T saying, "There is something I have been putting off saying because it feels too hard, but by telling you I'm going to say it I'm trying to commit myself to it." That way he reminds me the next time that I said I would talk about it. Sometimes you need to take baby steps... start by talking about talking about it.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Could you tell your T, "There's something I need to talk about, but I can't get the words out. Can you just talk me through until I get to it?" Kind of like 20 questions?

I've also e-mailed my T saying, "There is something I have been putting off saying because it feels too hard, but by telling you I'm going to say it I'm trying to commit myself to it." That way he reminds me the next time that I said I would talk about it. Sometimes you need to take baby steps... start by talking about talking about it.

Great idea! I forgot I did this. When I first brought up abuse, I emailed him and was like there is something we NEED to talk about, and I can't leave until I tell you. He did his therapist magic, and worked it out of me. Maybe you can try that?

If what you want to talk about is that conscious then it will come out. Mine was unconsious for the first year then one day I blurted out something and immediately put my hand over my mouth. There it was finally! And it had worked itself "free".

[likelife]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Could you tell your T, "There's something I need to talk about, but I can't get the words out. Can you just talk me through until I get to it?" Kind of like 20 questions?

I've also e-mailed my T saying, "There is something I have been putting off saying because it feels too hard, but by telling you I'm going to say it I'm trying to commit myself to it." That way he reminds me the next time that I said I would talk about it. Sometimes you need to take baby steps... start by talking about talking about it.

I've done this too, and my therapist and I have talked a lot about why it's difficult to bring a particular topic up before we even get to discussing the topic.

It hasn't always made it easier to actually say the words when the time comes, but the "warm up" period is helpful in getting me used to the idea of talking about it.

Usually my greatest fear in bringing up a topic has to do with worrying that my therapist will judge me about it. Not that that's ever happened before, but it seems to be the way I'm programmed. Do you have a sense about what your fears are around discussing the topic?

[Open Eyes]

I had trouble discussing CSA and it just felt awkward. I found out that it was easier for me to simply ask questions about how children dont really fully understand what it means when they are young. What that did is got him discussing the topic itself, I heard how much he knew about it and it also allowed me to add my own experience into the mix lightly. It opened a safe door for me and a good path to discuss my issues away from the memories of a very troubled child. If I remember I opened the topic up by discussing something troubling I had read here and how different people struggle with looking back as an adult verses what they viewed as a child.

I am still working on addressing that part of my past and at least now he is recognizing that.

Open Eyes

[precious things]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I try to remember how disappointed I feel when I don't bring up the topic I wanted to talk about. Sometimes that helps me bring up the difficult thing. Or I try to talk about it on this board first. Writing it down or emailing it to T also helps me, but it sounds like that's not an option that interests you.

Yes...this is what keeps compelling me to go back (in my head) to this topic. That nagging feeling of I wish I would have spoke up. I might think about trying it out here first.......

[precious things]

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

I totally understand!!!
If you were brave & brought it up yourself, how do u think u would feel when u went to bed that night?

I think that is what scares me most...the possibility of regretting I talked about it and then feeling like it wont ever be properly addressed. Maybe by keeping it in, it allows me the possibilty of sharing it in a safe space, but once it is out there, it becomes reality ...does that make sense?

[precious things]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Could you tell your T, "There's something I need to talk about, but I can't get the words out. Can you just talk me through until I get to it?" Kind of like 20 questions?

I've also e-mailed my T saying, "There is something I have been putting off saying because it feels too hard, but by telling you I'm going to say it I'm trying to commit myself to it." That way he reminds me the next time that I said I would talk about it. Sometimes you need to take baby steps... start by talking about talking about it.

Sally, I get choked up at the thought of your first sentence.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I had trouble discussing CSA and it just felt awkward. I found out that it was easier for me to simply ask questions about how children dont really fully understand what it means when they are young. What that did is got him discussing the topic itself, I heard how much he knew about it and it also allowed me to add my own experience into the mix lightly. It opened a safe door for me and a good path to discuss my issues away from the memories of a very troubled child. If I remember I opened the topic up by discussing something troubling I had read here and how different people struggle with looking back as an adult verses what they viewed as a child.

I am still working on addressing that part of my past and at least now he is recognizing that.

Open Eyes

thank you for sharing this with me. it helps. may I ask, did you regret sharing? I've been holding things in for 30 years, I don't know what will come out.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by precious things

thank you for sharing this with me. it helps. may I ask, did you regret sharing? I've been holding things in for 30 years, I don't know what will come out.

Not that you asked me, but I am SO glad you asked this!!!

As I think back, I have never regretted sharing any of the hard stuff. Not the CSA, not the stuff I am ashamed of, not the things I can't recall clearly and don't understand. I sometimes regret the silly BS easy stuff, but telling the hard things has always brought me relief.

I am a bit floored.

[precious things]

I have back to back sessions this week-tomorrow night and thursday morning and knowing that if I could open up some tomorrow night, I wouldn't have to wait long to get right back in there and deal with whatever emotions are bound to come up- make sense?

Over half a dozen therapists in 20 years and I have never even entertained the thought of discussing these things. Maybe because I am getting older and see how this is affecting so many areas of my life still today, maybe I want to make a valid attempt at healing...... we have been talking for a couple of months about me just needing to feel like I have a safe place and why so many of my behaviours and thoughts are aimed at protecting myself....I feel like this is the elephant in the room that needs to come out. But I am scared.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by likelife

I've done this too, and my therapist and I have talked a lot about why it's difficult to bring a particular topic up before we even get to discussing the topic.

It hasn't always made it easier to actually say the words when the time comes, but the "warm up" period is helpful in getting me used to the idea of talking about it.

Usually my greatest fear in bringing up a topic has to do with worrying that my therapist will judge me about it. Not that that's ever happened before, but it seems to be the way I'm programmed. Do you have a sense about what your fears are around discussing the topic?

Yes- I am terrified of cold indifference..as if what I have to say isn't important.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by precious things

thank you for sharing this with me. it helps. may I ask, did you regret sharing? I've been holding things in for 30 years, I don't know what will come out.

Well, I have only been able to brush on it so far. I really found that the way I approached it helped a lot. I hear you on not talking about it for 30years. I did that too, hid it and told myself it was just in the past etc.
I honestly believe that it is a typical response to something troubling in childhood. Yes, there are very mixed feelings about discussing it. That is why I circled around the topic in general to get an idea of the T's thoughts on these type of experiences. I did use PC as an excuse to talk about it. I didn't really discuss anyone in paticular, just the overall discomfort and how hard it is for so many to talk about as I mentioned.

What that did was give him a way to talk about the discomfort people have in talking about their memories and why that happens. I am sure part of you feels like that young child still afraid to tattle etc. That is exactly how I felt too. And I touched on that sentiment in a very broad way.

So, it is not just about the telling, it is about how to learn how to discuss it on a better level. It IS a really difficult topic and the more you can talk about it without being that child again the easier it will be when those feelings of that child come out. Because they WILL come out, and when they do you will have the part of you that can reason with these emotions of the child within you.

To be honest, the biggest difficulty about talking and letting out these troubling memories is that it WILL touch on some very troubling deep emotions. That is the big reason WHY so many don't want to talk about it. That is what I have been experiencing myself. And the one thing that really helps me work on dealing with these old ghosts that come to me in the voice of a very young confused child, is having that explaination of what it really means in my mind and how much children truely do not understand these troubling experiences.

Honestly, it is really important to not judge that child memory with the knowledge you have as an adult that understands sexuality on the adult level. Children simply do NOT see it like adults do and often they are tricked into thinking of it as something much different than you understand it now. I cannot express the importance of this enough, as it is truely important you have the WAY to honestly give these childhood memories a chance to come out without feeling or putting a guilt on whatever you did do as a child.

What you honestly need most in therapy is to finally give that confused child the comfort that was simply not there. If you have a large gap in therapy then start with the base of how to address these memories first as I mentioned and give yourself time to think about that first.

If your feeling that you actually are ready to discuss this now then it is time for you to finally put these old troubling memories to rest by finally comforting that troubled child within.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[precious things]

I can't even begin to tell you how empowering it is to read the responses. I don't know what will come out tonight but I feel like I am not alone on this crazy path of self-discovery. I am working up the courage to say I need help talking about something difficult...whew, I hope I can at least get that much out.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by precious things

I can't even begin to tell you how empowering it is to read the responses. I don't know what will come out tonight but I feel like I am not alone on this crazy path of self-discovery. I am working up the courage to say I need help talking about something difficult...whew, I hope I can at least get that much out.

when I feel the way you have posted in all your posts here on this thread I write my therapist a note..
I begin with dear Millie - theres something I want to tell you but Im afraid... then I write why Im afraid and what it is that needs getting out..Sometimes I give her the letter and other times I dont but in all cases writing it out gives me the courage to talk about it and gives me a sort of blue print of how I want to say it.

works for me maybe it will work for you..

Another thing I do is I call her when I know shes not going to answer her phone, then I leave a message. "mille" usually calls me back and says something like "great idea for discussion, why didnt I think about that..." therapists dont know what you want to talk about until you tell them because they are not mind readers. sometimes we get lucky and we "just happen" to land on what I need to tell her, but most times therapists take their lead from us, not the other way around..