[vanessaG]

I really should not have his email address. I don't know what's wrong with me these days, I've lost all self control!

I emailed T around 10 to see if I could come in today rather than tomm. He said he doesn't have room and asked me what's up. I replied & told him how I was so depressed over wind I didn't leave my room, I really could use some support blah. Blah.

Here's the email im not proud of...
.

Perf. Example doc of Why I don't think u care!! Cause u read my email how I been ****** and haven't left my ROOM THE WHOLE weekend and u have NO RESPONSE!! *Wtf? *

Ohhhhhh wait I already know what ur gonna say! 'I do care, Michelle, in a professional way.'. Yes, yes, just like I care about my nice,new,shiny electronic STAPLER. *That's a perf analogy!

*I'm tired of trying to convince & lie to myself that u care about ur patients more than a damn rock but it's apparent u don't.*
*I waited all damn weekend to try n connect w/ u cuz I didn't wanna disturb ur weekend! I had no one so I went online & All those that responded were like ohhhh email your T, he'll understand if you are doing bad..I'm sure he'll write back with comforting words..blah blah. I'm like noooo, my T needs space, I'm not gonna bug him on his fam time....

**Hah then I write how bad I'm doing during working hrs &..nothing from u! Not one sentence, not one fuken word! Well! Good thing I didn't write u on the weekend huh! *You can say all the psycho babble bs u want but your actions speak way louder than words.

Idk if I even wanna fukeUn come anymore...only to force urself to trust a stranger, to trick yourself they care bout u n what happens or how u feel...yeah & *i get let down n hurt again. *it's all BULLLLSSSHHHIIITTTTTTT.

Sent from my iPhone

& he responded about an hr ago:
No problem. Happy that you vented. I've had back to back patients all afternoon and just got your emails now. See you tomorrow. *

I can just hear the annoyance in his email. And why wouldn't he?! Ugghhh I need some self control & now I really really don't wanna go tomm! He must seriously think Ive really lost my mind..

Think of it this way. He seemed to understand you were venting so he didn't seem to take it personally. I'm sure he will be interested in exploring where this is coming from.

[~EnlightenMe~]

(((((Vanessa))))))))),
I hear you loud and clear! Been there, done that, felt that way. Know that it does get better! I hear your intense agony in your writing, and although what your T wrote may seem clinical, it sounded to me like he understood why you felt the way you do. I know you might not be able to see that now, but I hope that as your therapist keeps working with you that you will be able to express how you feel and not feel ashamed. I think you are courageous and look forward to hearing how it goes!

[lostmyway21]

Ouch..it happens though. Ive definitly been there before. Don't beat yourself up. .

[Chopin99]

Vanessa, I cannot read any annoyance into your T's email. He simply stated facts: he was happy that you vented, he had back to back clients and couldn't respond until now, and that he'll see you tomorrow.

It is very difficult or very easy to read into emails and texts. Any written communication really.

Hard to see nuances in black words on a white screen.

I see his response as positive....he heard you! He said it WASN"T a problem. He was HAPPY that you vented...and the best part, he will see YOU tomorrow! (In other words, he heard you say you don't want to go and he is expecting you to be there even in your discomfort!)

I hope you go!

[faith1983]

Sorry you're going through this rough time
I think the email you sent will be better address face to face than it would have been with email and that's probably one of the reson why he didn't wrote you back a ling email, especially when you're seeing him tomorrow.
I also think that he could have write anything but nothing would have really help you in the state of mind you are in.
And for the email, I know it's hard but I believe he was the best person to send it... there's stuff going on that needs to be address and now he knows about so that's fine; I'm sure you're not the first one neither the last to send those kind of email... I'm sure you'll make it through this and through the rough time you're having! You can always post here if you still need to vent!

I'll have a thought for you tomorrow for your session
take care
faith

[vanessaG]

Thanks everyone I think I found out last email that I was better expressing my words non verbally so I think that's why I jump to email...

Anyways I will go tomm. Ohhh jeez this is going to be uncomfortable but knowing my T, I will say I'm sorry, he'll say ok and he'll probably ask what was going on and that will be the end of that.

I sensed annoyance in his reply onlyyy because usually he writes silly stuff like hope you find a cute man to kiss or have a Great weekend with smileys and all. But hey what can I expect he's been seeing patients back to back the reads my bs?!

Well we shall see how this goes tomm. I'm actually suprised he hasn't terminated me yet :/

He doesn't seem to be able to see below the venting and contain your fears. His leaving them hanging on. Perhaps he shouldn't use emails with clients if he doesn't have the abilty to help with them.

[pbutton]

I don't read any annoyance in his email, and I am REALLY skilled at making T's evil, let me tell you.

[mcl6136]

The bright side is that you are very in touch with your anger!



That's something...some of us would have a very hard time being this candid to T .....Wow, I'm sorta kinda impressed, actually!

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

The bright side is that you are very in touch with your anger!



That's something...some of us would have a very hard time being this candid to T .....Wow, I'm sorta kinda impressed, actually!

Great point. I totally agree! I would NEVER have the courage to express anger any where close to that to my therapist. I am a bit jealous. ...all i managed to say is that i was angry at him last week and I felt like I destroyed our relationship. Lol.

[pbutton]

I think you fall under the 'angry bunny' thing that my T told me. Your anger seems protective as well.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Great point. I totally agree! I would NEVER have the courage to express anger any where close to that to my therapist. I am a bit jealous. ...all i managed to say is that i was angry at him last week and I felt like I destroyed our relationship. Lol.

I'm jealous...you're right. Of course, I'm jealous of people who have perfect T relationships, people who boldly go....and express their anger, and people who appeal to the entire board for help just because.

I think I have an issue with jealousy in general!

But in all seriousness....these therapy relationships need to be a little more durable than those in real life when it comes to expressing anger, I think. The whole process is going to be very stirring, or I think it may not be working at all. So crazy emails included, I think this "stuff" needs to surface in some way, or what are we paying for?

Just my two cents.

MCL

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I'm jealous...you're right. Of course, I'm jealous of people who have perfect T relationships, people who boldly go....and express their anger, and people who appeal to the entire board for help just because.

I think I have an issue with jealousy in general!

But in all seriousness....these therapy relationships need to be a little more durable than those in real life when it comes to expressing anger, I think. The whole process is going to be very stirring, or I think it may not be working at all. So crazy emails included, I think this "stuff" needs to surface in some way, or what are we paying for?

Just my two cents.

MCL

Oh I didnt mean that our relationship wasn't durable. He is not fazed by my crazy emails at all. I personally can't handle displaying anger towards him. I tend to immediately believe he hates me after. No matter how many times he says he doesn't take it personally.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Oh I didnt mean that our relationship wasn't durable. He is not fazed by my crazy emails at all. I personally can't handle displaying anger towards him. I tend to immediately believe he hates me after. No matter how many times he says he doesn't take it personally.

I agree....it sounds very durable. And I have the same kind of backlash where if I say the least "damaging" thing, then I assume that the whole thing is a wreck and I basically get worried ....

It's great that he is not fazed, by the way! I think it's a sign of a good T.

[vanessaG]

I have my appt at 11:30 so I'll update u guys on how it went.

Yeah T sets something off in me that, wow I don't know! I'm actually kind of embarrased but I sent it, he read it, so what can I do now?! But I hope he doesn't just joke it off and I'm hoping we can explore where this is coming from. ...

Who know sometimes I think our therapy is great & were working on stuff n sometimes it's like a real expensive coffee 'date'. So who knows..... But yeah I'm sure he's looking forward to our session today with 'the angryyy girl' lol

[pbutton]

Keep us posted.

[vanessaG]

Alright I'm done w/ appt. so friggen embarrasing facing him. I just plopped on the couch & started blurting out I'm sorry...he said no it's ok, you expressed your anger...
I asked him if when he read it outta the blue he was like WTF? & he's like yeahhhh I kinda was like WTF lol. Then we laughed a bit bout my stapler comment haha

He was concerned what was going on this past weekend-why I was so bad...& then we started talking bout why I feel the way I do bout him.
I told him flat out I think he portrays a 'idgaf' attitude! He said he makes a lotta ppl angry sometimes but that's just the way he is! He does care

He told me back when he was in T school, he was talking to his professor about getting his master thesis published & the professor was telling him all this work he needed to do to get it published & mid sentence the professor stopped and asked 'are you bored??!' lol my T so no, no I was just thinking what I need to do.
So I guess he just kinda looks that way?! Lol. I asked him if he's burnt out & he said no but he does look forward to his retirement.

I feel a bit better. I feel like he really wanted to know what I was seeing from him that kept me going back to 'he doesn't care'. But if just looks that way naturally then I'm not sure much can be done about that but I am glad he asked & really wanted to know if it was something HE was doing....

As usual the session ended too early for me :/. Now the waiting game for 2 more days.....