[kitten16]

This topic has come up before, but I guess I thought it might be a good time for a revival. So - does your therapist hug you?

I'd never had one do this, until last week when I had my first session with a new T. He's a guy, I'm a girl. I'm not physically phobic and I don't have CSA issues, but I'm not really a big hugger. There were times when I tried to be more physical around people in order to fit in with a particular culture - like when I was a theater major, where people tended to do that a lot. But it got old fast.

I really dislike hugging if it's phony and hypocritical. I have a female acquaintance who insists on hugging me every time I see her, even though I actively dislike her (I believe she knows this and hates me as well). I hate A-frames, and I hate the hugs where you're just clanking collarbones. Why the hell do it if you're not even touching? I want a real hug if someone is going to hug me.

As a woman, I've disliked hugs from other women because they're so tentative and weird. I also hate handshakes, whether from men or women, for the same reason. OTOH, if somebody else's husband gives me a nice big warm bear hug, it feels better physically - but at the same time I'm like, whoa, that was just a little TOO warm if you know what I mean. The girls don't appreciate being squished that hard when it isn't mammogram day, you know?

I like to be hugged when I'm crying, but this wouldn't be something that would happen casually or socially. It would only be in private.

So - not horribly phobic around hugging, but not thrilled with it either. So it threw me a bit when my brand-new therapist opened his arms as I was leaving and said, "By the way, I'm a hugger. And you can't tell your whole life story to me and not get a hug."

So we hugged, and it was - weird. First of all, I don't know the guy! I mean he's the first promising therapist I've seen in about a year, after months of searching and doing intakes with some pretty awful folks. So I'm happy and relieved and pleased he wants to make another appointment.

But the hug - it sort of broke the spell.

And I'm big-chested, which I can usually disguise pretty effectively depending on how I dress. Now, though, he knows what he knows. My new T knows I have a big chest - because he friggin' FELT those things!

So what has been your experience around hugging your therapist, and what do you make of it?

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by kitten16

This topic has come up before, but I guess I thought it might be a good time for a revival. So - does your therapist hug you?

I'd never had one do this, until last week when I had my first session with a new T. He's a guy, I'm a girl. I'm not physically phobic and I don't have CSA issues, but I'm not really a big hugger. There were times when I tried to be more physical around people in order to fit in with a particular culture - like when I was a theater major, where people tended to do that a lot. But it got old fast.

I really dislike hugging if it's phony and hypocritical. I have a female acquaintance who insists on hugging me every time I see her, even though I actively dislike her (I believe she knows this and hates me as well). I hate A-frames, and I hate the hugs where you're just clanking collarbones. Why the hell do it if you're not even touching? I want a real hug if someone is going to hug me.

As a woman, I've disliked hugs from other women because they're so tentative and weird. I also hate handshakes, whether from men or women, for the same reason. OTOH, if somebody else's husband gives me a nice big warm bear hug, it feels better physically - but at the same time I'm like, whoa, that was just a little TOO warm if you know what I mean. The girls don't appreciate being squished that hard when it isn't mammogram day, you know?

I like to be hugged when I'm crying, but this wouldn't be something that would happen casually or socially. It would only be in private.

So - not horribly phobic around hugging, but not thrilled with it either. So it threw me a bit when my brand-new therapist opened his arms as I was leaving and said, "By the way, I'm a hugger. And you can't tell your whole life story to me and not get a hug."

So we hugged, and it was - weird. First of all, I don't know the guy! I mean he's the first promising therapist I've seen in about a year, after months of searching and doing intakes with some pretty awful folks. So I'm happy and relieved and pleased he wants to make another appointment.

But the hug - it sort of broke the spell.

And I'm big-chested, which I can usually disguise pretty effectively depending on how I dress. Now, though, he knows what he knows. My new T knows I have a big chest - because he friggin' FELT those things!

So what has been your experience around hugging your therapist, and what do you make of it?

It was cool of him to say that in my opinion. I wish mine was a hugger but he is NOT. Yes I have asked. Did it make you uncomfortable? If not I would embrace it, and be thankful you have a T with an open mind, that's willing to hug.

[precious things]

Wow-the first visit would REALLY throw me. Actually, in the 7,8, or 9 shrinks/t's I've had over the years not one of them was a hugger. Not a single one and I am very okay with that. My current dr. shook my hand upon meeting but zero contact since.

Do you see yourself hugging after every session or do you think this was a welcome sort of thing?

If you think there is potential to work with him, I wouldn't use the hugging as an excuse not to continue.

[growlycat]

Your T should have asked if it was OK first. Lots of people don't like hugging for all kinds of reasons. Even though I tend to like them, the first time my T gave me one I wasn't expecting it and I was in the middle of a full crying meltdown. Later he said he was sorry for not asking first. But I'm glad that he did.

It doesn't mean your T is a predator or anything, it is just unusual to get one right off of the bat, without permission too. You should be honest with him and bring it up if you can!

[pbutton]

Wow. T and I have hugged once. He first asked "Would it be ok if I gave you a hug?" And I totally felt that saying no would have been just fine.

That "I'm a hugger" thing would have bothered me. My therapy isn't about you, buddy. Hug your own friends.

[shoez]

....I guess maybe cuz of my issues with CSA...
Some guy hugging me after the first session would probably throw me into a flashback....and complete fear...of being trapped.

Sometimes I think I would like it if my T hugged me if I was really really really upset...but I usually think about it outside of session...In session, thats almost the last thing I want her to do...shes fine..wayyyy over there in her chair.

But then again I have a lot of personal space issues etc etc..

But I agree that he should have asked first and not just said "Ima hugger"....cuz Therapy isnt about him..being a hugger.... blah i dont mean to sound mean...just what I would think...but then again I always think the whole world wants to hurt me...so

blah.

Okay I admit that I would be hesitant as well. But having a totally different experience with my soon to be ex-T (he has a serious no touch policy), I would be very happy. There have been times that I've been some what emotional and have felt like I've been left to hang out there alone because my T. wouldn't even come sit next to me or put his hand on my arm or touch my shoulder... I would have been able to go so much further with sharing feelings if I knew I wouldn't be left there all upset with someone just sitting there watching me go through it all...

so I would be happy... that doesn't mean that after a time that you decide its not for you that you couldn't say that...

[kitten16]

Thanks for your responses. I'm thinking it was a little clumsy, for all the reasons above.

Yeah, it's not about him! We only had one session. How does he KNOW I don't have CSA issues? I didn't have time to tell him my whole life story - I was only able to go into the issue that prompted me to find a therapist this time.

(sigh)

Yeah, I don't think he's predatory either, I think I'd have a strong gut feeling about that if he were. But it just seemed - amateurish.

I'm definitely going to give him another chance though! He's waaaaaay better than the previous people I've interviewed. And I really don't relish having to resume the search, argh!

My first T offered me a hug at the first session, but made it totally clear I could say no. I did say no. Periodically, he would ask about hugs and I just didn't want to be touched. At our last session together, he said, "are you really going to leave therapy without EVER giving me a hug? Think we could try a hug just to say goodbye?" So, I hugged him, and it was fine, and I regretted not hugging him more often.

With my current T, I was in therapy about a year and a half, I finally got around to talking about the sexual abuse. I really struggled after that session and the next session asked for help getting grounded before I left the session. My T asked me what I needed, and I asked him to touch me and then kinda freaked out because that sounded weird. He didn't take it in a freaky way, though, and immediately asked if he could hug me. He told me there had been many times he wanted to hug me, but his personal thing is that he only hugs if people ASK for a hug AND he thinks it's therapeutic.

And both T's hug in a whole body kinda way, which with my second T freaked me out a little. My first T was a gay man, and I had no real emotional issues about him. I liked him fine; in retrospect, I loved and still love him, but it's a "I'm very fond of him and very grateful" kind of love. With my current T, I swing between "I'm very grateful and fond of him" kind of love and "OH MY FREAKING GOD, I LOVE HIM!" kind of love. So, the full body hug was wonderful and comforting but arousing. and it lasted longer than I anticipated, which added to the arousing thing.

Wait, what was the question? I'm all distracted now.

Hug your own friends.

I love this.

[stopdog]

I would have told him I am not a hugger and not to do it. The first therapist I saw in my 20s did hug, but it took me over a year to let her hug me. She made it available every appointment, but did not press it upon me. It would completely put me off if a therapist tried to foist a hug upon me or make me feel bad for not letting them touch me.

My t hugs me all the time.

It bothers me a bit that your t didnt ask if you wanted the hug and did it on the 1st session. But if you are ok with it then thats cool.

[bluemountains]

My T doesn't offer hugs, thank goodness! I don't feel that our relationship is there, nor do I want it to be. I hug my husband, family, and friends-all people I love, and that isn't the relationship I want with my T. I also hug my students if they need hugs. Again, this is out of love. I don't want to ever really love my T. The occasional transference that creeps up freaks me out as it is.
Bluemountains

[healed84]

My T has never hugged me, or offered to hug me. We have never talked about touching policy- but I think it would be safe to assume he has a no touching policy. I have to admit, though.. I am not sure I would take him up on that offer anytime soon if he asked if I wanted a hug.

In your case, that would have been super akward and I would have said no. Although, there is a chance it may be a comfort to know he is willing to hug- if you ever need one.

[rainbow8]

There seems to be a consensus that your T was a little bit too forward, for a first session. I agree that he should have at least asked you first. On the other hand, he simply be a very outgoing, down-to-Earth huggy kind of person and that's his therapy style, which he told you. What's important is that you discuss it with him so you won't have to squirm at the end of every session if you don't want a hug. If he's any good, he'll discuss it and not try to hug you again unless you want it.

I've had 4 Ts who didn't hug or touch me. My former T hugged me at my final session, though. My current T told me in the beginning that she allows hugs but I never wanted to (I'm not a huggy type person at all) until some time later. What I did like is when she offered to hold my hand when we were talking about a child part who needed that. I like that better than hugging. We hug now when I tell her I want to, but not every session, and she would never do it unless I said okay. I want to add that I am becoming a more huggy person in RL and I like it!

[lostmyway21]

Gr this thread makes me want to yell at my T about not hugging me again.

[likelife]

After about a year and a half with my therapist, I finally asked about hugs, and she was glad to give them. We hug after every session now. I find it to be wonderfully affirming.

That said, had she offered in the first session, I'm not sure I would have trusted her with it. Like you said, he doesn't even know you yet!

If, as you said, he seems better than a lot of the other ones, I'd definitely bring up your hesitation around the hugs.

[Chopin99]

My T and I never discussed hugging for months. After about 6 months, I started to connect with her and at the end of one session, I asked if I could hug her. She said sure, so we did. The next session, I gave her a small gift that was meaningful to her. She looked at me and said, "Chopin, I have to hug you" and did. Now we hug at the end of each session.

An uninvited hug would seriously weird me out, though. They weird me out in RL, so they would weird me out in therapy also.

[crazycanbegood]

I have a chest that could solve world hunger. when I hug my T, i don't care about her body or mine. i hope the same is true for her.

[stopdog]

To me, the problem with the way the op's therapist approached hugging was that it sounded like it was about/for him rather than his clients.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by stopdog

To me, the problem with the way the op's therapist approached hugging was that it sounded like it was about/for him rather than his clients.

Yes i have to agree it did seem that way. My other concern was even there was no CSA issues, how was he so certain on the first visit? Who actually tells there T EVERY thing on there first visit? I didn't talk about the SA for over a month, and I think even that was rather quick. He should have asked if it was okay with you. I mean after all the therapy is about YOU.

I think I let my anger about my T and hugging get in the way of my initial post. Sorry.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

On the other hand, he simply be a very outgoing, down-to-Earth huggy kind of person and that's his therapy style, which he told you.

Maybe he's Italian? (Sorry Hankster. Cheap shot.)

[anilam]

Yeah I am a hugger would provoke some really mean remark on my side...

You shouldn't feel the need to please you T. I would discuss it with him. Just say it's good to know he has a hugging policy so you can ask for one WHEN you WANT one. I wouldn't terminate for this reason though.

My T shakes hands, I shook his hand once, the first time I saw him, and on our second session explained why I don't see the point of shaking his hand every time I see him. I don't find touch to be stg pleasant, I even dislike to be hugged by my parents, sister and my bestF- 4 ppl on Earth I love the most. However, I understand that it is comforting for other ppl and so I have learned to touch/hug ppl I care for. I offered my T a handshake when his friend died (he was dressed all in black, so I asked and he told me he has a funeral to attend to) He was pretty surprised by that.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Maybe he's Italian? (Sorry Hankster. Cheap shot.)

Italians don't hug, they do that two-cheek bad breath cootie kissing thing. I need hug therapy to recover from it!

I would probably run away and never go back.