Have I crossed a line...?

So yesterday was my last session before my T's going away until early March. I had lots of things on my mind and was able to talk about most of them, but toward the end the cat kinda got my tongue and I didn't dare to talk about certain things (e.g. the intensity of what I think are romantic feelings for her - we've discussed them before but not in detail).
So time was about up and T said that I can still e-mail her about these difficult topics until Thursday.

So last night I sent her a long, honest e-mail where I basically confess everything I was too ashamed about until now (I had to get a little drunk to get the courage, but the e-mail itself is coherent and serious) - including that I often feel jealous of her boyfriend.

Now it's almost 3:30 pm the next day and I still have no word from T - I haven't e-mailed her often before, but in every case she'd replied before that time - and I'm getting all scared and paranoid that I crossed a line by mentioning my jealousy of her bf, and that she's mad at me now.

I don't know. I'm trying to tell myself that maybe she didn't have time to reply yet, or that she wants to wait until she has more time to write a longer response, but she's always just written a few lines in these replies, and like I said they were always quick.

I'm trying hard not to freak out right now. I don't want her to hate me. She knows about my feelings for her, she knows that it makes me sad I'm not "special" among her clients - but have I crossed a line by bringing her partner into this and making it "personal"?

Screenager, you didn't cross a line. She said you could e-mail her, and you did -- it's really ok! And you didn't cross a line by mentioning her boyfriend. Crossing a line would be trying to contact her boyfriend or making it solely about her boyfriend and not you, or some such, but merely mentioning your jealousy is totally ok. I'm sure it feels REALLY uncomfortable -- I hate mentioning what I think about my T's having a wife -- but it's 100% ok therapy material.

The thing that makes e-mail great is that we can add a little liquid courage and then say our piece without interruption. The thing that makes e-mail awful is that you don't get that real-time reaction, and you might have to wait a while before you get a response depending on T's schedule or whatever.

I imagine she is thinking over what you said and trying to come up with a response that is both genuine and sensitive. I'm sure you've given her a lot to mull over and it's certainly better if she isn't too hasty.

Do you text with her? Can you send her a very brief text that says, "I'm scared my e-mail upset you. Can you just tell me that it's ok?" That might help you calm down in the time it takes for her to respond.

I bet she's not mad. I imagine she's really happy to know all of this stuff and is looking forward to finding a way to bring it all out in person when she's back.

No, you haven't crossed a line. You're allowed to tell her your feelings. I'm pretty sure if you had a choice you wouldn't have those feelings to begin with, it sounds painful.

I'm sure she's heard similar things before (I realize that you may not want to hear that.) I bet she just hasn't had a chance to respond yet. She won't hate you. If she's like my T, she'll be happy that she better understands you. At least that's what he tells me after my weirdo emails.

Thanks, everyone.

It's 6 pm and she hasn't replied. Her work day is probably over soon. I don't know what to make of this.

Maybe she'll take time to reply after hours, but that's probably just my wishful thinking. Mad at me or not, her behavior is definitely weirding me out a bit. She always replied the day afterwards...

Anyway, I'm probably overthinking it, or my expectations are too high.

SallyBrown, no, I can't text her, all I have is the office number. I'll just have to keep on waiting. Sigh...

Can you send a follow-up email stating what Sally suggested instead of a text?

Expressing your feelings is always okay. She is probably not angry, but I know my T has sometimes deferred her answer to something I sent in an email until she could see me face to face. The last thing I sent, I asked if she could respond by email or should I wait for session. She replied it was a session question and we'd talk about it next time.

I know how you feel, though. Trust me.

Did you ask for a response? Sometimes I have to specifically ask for a response or he thinks I'm just dropping off information.

I didn't, but I said something like "I know you'll probably only be able to reply briefly as usual".

Also, my last mail was pretty much just me rambling without any questions and she replied anyway.

(And honestly, I just think the decent thing to do would be reply, no matter what, instead of leaving me hanging for three weeks after getting so much off my chest. But who knows...)

I hope your T answers you. I just want to say that I told my T some things I was pretty scared to tell her about her H, and she was okay with them. Like about how much money he makes, wishing I could come between them in bed, wishing I could uh, be with him, and stuff like that. Therapy can make us say and think weird things. I'm sure your T will be glad you were honest with her.

I might do that if I haven't gotten a reply by tomorrow. Right now I'd rather not have my freak-out in front of her and then possibly have it be a false alarm.
But yeah, that's a good idea.

I'm starting to get mad at her. Ugh... irrational feelings!

This is such good stuff...reminds me of the pros and cons of these tools...thanks!

Argh. Sorry for the spam, but I have to vent. As expected, no reply today. I'm kind of mad at her, as irrational as this may be.

I hope she'll reply tomorrow. I hope she'll reply at all. I need to hear from her about this, I can't go three weeks with it just hanging in the air.

Hmm.. is it possible that she didn't get the email? It might be time to try again?

That'd freak me out even more but yeah, paranoid like I am I already checked if there's something wrong with my e-mail account, but it sends and receives just fine. Of course hers could be the problem, but I don't dare to re-send it.

All of this sucks so much.

I don't know how a T should behave, but if I'm going away, I make a point of not checking my emails.

I never check my work email after lunch on Friday.

I'm not sure what you're referring to. She had all day to check her emails and possibly reply since I sent the email last night.

Or that I said she was going away for three weeks? She's not leaving until Friday and told me specifically that I could still reach her via email until Thursday.

Anyway, I know I'm probably overreacting. It still sucks. I'll write her tomorrow asking if things are still good between us, but even if so I'll nevertheless be kinda mad she didn't consider replying. She knows (or should know) how sensitive I am and shouldn't just leave me alone for so long with all this important stuff still hanging in the air.

She may need time to think of the most helpful way to respond. A badly worded response can be so painful! Maybe she feels that you deserve a full, in-person response.

4 pm now.

I just e-mailed her, wondering if it was a mistake to write what I did and asking her for any kind of feedback on it if she has time.

I'm freaking out feeling stupid and clingy, but at least it's out.

Is there a reason you don't pick up the phone and call? That might be a more direct way to get your questions answered. Sometimes email is just a really sporadic, inconsistent, unreliable method of any kind of meaningful communication.

I'm really anxious about phone contact and I've barely ever talked to her on the phone, and those times were always rather awkward for me. Also I'd probably only reach her voicemail because she usually has back-to-back patients and that would be weird too.

I have never talked to T on the phone. I hate talking on the phone. Thinking about talking to T on the phone would be even worse somehow.

Yeah, our phone calls were pretty bad. She'd call and ask a lot of questions about re-scheduling or whatever, and all I said was "yes" and make affirming noises. Though I recently called her to tell her I would be a little late. That took courage, but it went okay!

I'm a pretty terrible phone person overall though. Come to think of it, I'm a pretty terrible social person in general

any word yet? i've been following your thread and i'm on the edge of my seat over here!

Aww, thanks for caring!

Nope, nothing yet, and since it's late evening now there's no way I'll hear from her today.

I'm surprised how calm and relaxed I feel after my follow-up e-mail. The ball's totally in her court now

like the others have said, I don't think you've crossed a line at all, and I'd be equally as paranoid about the email if I were in your shoes, so you are definitely not alone!

It's times like these where I am glad my T doesn't do email or text at all. That way if I do get desperate enough to reach out, it has to be on the phone, which I hate too! It makes for very intense appointments sometimes, but it eliminates the agony of waiting! Instead, I'll agonize for you over what you're waiting for!

(((Screenager)))

I just want to thank you all for your support. It means a lot and makes me feel less foolish.

I'll keep this thread updated.