My current T wants me to "follow the anger" that I was feeling intensely following my father in law's death. Huge, huge surges of anger about stuff that ordinarily wouldn't phase me. I have no clue how to follow anger nor do I particularly wish to.

Does anyone know how you actually go about "following" anger? I asked my T for more guidance than that, but I *may* have been a little angry at him and not able to really understand what the heck he was talking about when he tried to explain. Or maybe he didn't try that hard, or just makes no sense. Any help or clues would be appreciated.

[SallyBrown]

I don't really know what that means either, but I get the sense that he means not just burying it or setting it aside because you know it's unreasonable, but trying to figure out the roots of why you're so angry. I don't know though, I'm just making things up.

Mostly I'm just sorry you're feeling this way . When my grandmother died I was really angry. Like, REALLY angry, all the time, at everyone, for everything. The day before the funeral my husband ate the last banana, which I had been planning to eat. I flipped. the hell. out. I was YELLING.

And for several weeks afterward I was just sort of on a hair trigger. Everything made me angry. It made me angry to be on the bus with people having stupid conversations. It made me angry when a classmate of mine checked wikipedia for something I already knew the answer to, because she didn't believe me. It made me angry any time anyone argued with me. It made me angry when people laughed together while I was out buying a dress for the wake. I knew it wasn't like me to be so angry. But if I really tried to follow the thread of anger that kept running through everything, it really seemed that I was angry that someone who truly loved me unconditionally was taken away from me, and instead I was left with all this stupidity, all the stupid arguments people start for no reason when life is so short, all the damn people on the subway pushing and shoving when MY GRANDMOTHER WAS DEAD and wasn't going to see my wedding and all these morons got the breathe the air that she wasn't breathing anymore.

I wonder if that's what he means. Just getting to the bottom of it.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much

[Wren_]

i'm not sure either ... i know i have trouble dealing with anger; but don't at all understand what "following it" would mean

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

My current T wants me to "follow the anger" that I was feeling intensely following my father in law's death. Huge, huge surges of anger about stuff that ordinarily wouldn't phase me. I have no clue how to follow anger nor do I particularly wish to.

Does anyone know how you actually go about "following" anger? I asked my T for more guidance than that, but I *may* have been a little angry at him and not able to really understand what the heck he was talking about when he tried to explain. Or maybe he didn't try that hard, or just makes no sense. Any help or clues would be appreciated.

I've never heard this phrase used before. Does he possibly mean that maybe you aren't necessarily angry at your FIL or about his death, but it's triggering something from the past? "Following" the anger back to your past? That's the best I can do.

I'm typing this and I don't even think it makes sense!

[growlycat]

I think I know what your T means but I'm relying heavily on my own T experience...My T puts it in terms of "mindfulness"....not acting on feelings but just "noticing" what they are and what thoughts they lead to. Some T's say "sitting with the feeling" as opposed to stifling and burying the feelings. My T often asks me to write it down as I'm feeling it. Later on, this stuff is so hard to recall!

[pbutton]

Hmm. I practically secrete anger, yet I have no idea wth he's trying to tell you.

My guess is that Sally and Chopin are right and it's about following the anger to its source and not just dismissing it, judging it, or trying to stuff it back down. I just don't know how to do that. I tend more to do the -- okay, I'm angry, I'm an idiot (or *****, or whatever) for reacting this way, and I should just stop -- type thing. Not sure how to figure out WHY I'm angry about stupid little things.

I'll think more about what you suggested, Sally. I'm not sure that is it for me. I lost someone who adored me and who I adored, and my brother in law wanted to establish ahead of time that "the wives" would not be involved when it came to dividing property after my mother in law's death. So, anger at that is pretty straightforward. He's a prick and concerned only about their valuables and property and NEVER helps and NEVER gets involved, but once my mother in law is dead, he wants to be able to bully his brothers in letting him have the best stuff AND he's insinuating (in my head at least) that the only reason I was there all the time helping was because *I* am only interested in getting their stuff. So, that anger makes sense to me.

It's the stupid little things like overreacting to stupid things people say, or the little kids running into me and wanting me to move instead of walking around me, or people parking blocking the drive, or . . . Usually I'm pretty easy-going and non-judgmental about that stuff. At worst, I call the person a name in my head, smile at them and go on.

[granite1]

i'm not sure how to do what your T is asking but i wanted to say that i am thinking of you with all your loss and everything it is very understandable how you can be so angry.sending you one huge hug and lots of love

[CantExplain]

A T (can't remember who) once mentioned that you can feel abandoned when someone dies, and be angry with them for dying.

Now of course this is irrational and goes against the rule that you don't think ill of the dead. But if the feeling is there, you need to acknowledge it.

[SallyBrown]

Well, MKAC, you have a lot of stuff to be really legitimately angry about. I don't think you'd need anything more burdensome to be really angry at your little sister and brother in law. What they're doing is really despicable and dirty. Brother in law sounds like a real piece of work. Sounds to me like you're handling it as best you can, and probably better than most of us would.

But yes. I think your T is referring to the little things that blow up in ways they normally wouldn't. I'm not really sure how not to do the "It's ok, this is not a big deal, I need to calm down [stuff stuff bottle bottle] the end," but I don't know, maybe doing some kind of free association type thing? This might be hard to do by yourself, but if you just keep badgering yourself with "But why does that make you angry? But why does THAT make you angry?" maybe you'll surprise yourself.

Another thread you had started about not having anything to say about your father in law made me think of my grandmother as well, and I responded saying so. But specifically, I was also thinking of the way in which I finally did really burst into tears and cry inconsolably about it, which happened about 4 years later. I was in therapy and my T and I had been having a hard time, I felt like nothing I did was good enough for him, I was under serious pressure at work and from friends and family, and while I was talking about these things I just said, "and I just miss my grandmother so much" and just exploded into a weeping mess. My T was totally taken aback, and I proceeded to sob and ugly-cry for several minutes. When I finally calmed down enough, I was able to explain to him and to myself that my grandmother felt to me like the only person for whom I was ever good enough. She was always very happy with me just the way I was, and right then I felt like I needed that SO MUCH. I know this story isn't really about anger, but what I am saying is, the emotions of grief come out in bizarre and unexpected ways.

Be patient with yourself.