[Snuffleupagus]

A little update. I had posted about my T having to cancel my appt. after I waited an hour because she was hospitalizing another patient. We talked openly at my rescheduled session about my feelings about that and my guilt about feeling selfish for being disappointed. My T was really kind, and said that I deserved my hour and that it was important, and my disappointment wasn't selfish. Very sweet.

But I also addressed something that I had written about in the "Dear T" thread--that the endings of my sessions felt really jarring like a spell was breaking. T agreed that they felt off. I said that I didn't know if it was because I'm part of the recovery community where hugging is de rigueur, but that it felt really weird to leave after being so intimate and connected without engaging in some sort of goodbye ritual involving touch.

I noted that she had, in fact, never touched me and that I presumed it was her policy, and that I wanted to talk about it. BTW, telling someone, "You've never touched me," is possibly the the most awkward feeling sentence that has ever left my mouth. Sheesh, the vulnerability of it. Ick.

Anyway, she said she was surprised to hear that she hadn't ever touched me, and said that that was not her policy, and we could agree on a goodbye hug from now on if that would make me feel more comfortable. You could have hit me over the head with a ruler. So, that's what it's like to state your needs in a therapy relationship and have them met. Huh. Nothing like my previous T.

So, we hugged at the end of the session, and she said we could talk about what that meant to me next time. I left feeling so much more comfortable than I ever had in the past after a session. It felt much more natural and much less like the artifice of therapy was ringing in my ears. Good stuff.

[unaluna]

That is so great!!!

[stopdog]

I am glad it went so well for you

[Wren_]

wow ... i can't imagine having needs met like that when expressed, it sounds like it would be an incredible experience and feeling i'm really glad you talked about it, and also about the feelings from last week with the cancelling and that something good came from all of this

[FourRedheads]

WOW!! Good for you in asking for what you need!

[ECHOES]

(I am almost too jealous to reply)

Wow and I agree - Good for you for talking about a hug! I am very happy for you
I think it says something about how comfortable your T is with you, that she was surprised she hadn't touched you.

[WePow]

AWESOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to go for talking about what you needed and felt. You respected her space and allowed her to offer you what she was able to offer.
That was so mature of you to handle things the way you did. What an amazing job!

Yesterday my T and I actually also talked about our hug at the end of sessions. And we both agreed that I need them because it is theraputic. It teaches me that a male in authority can touch me in a way that is not sexualized. That touch can be safe and even healing. I could tell that my T was glad I was talking about the meaning of the hug to me. It was like he needed me to let him know how the action he gave me was helping me heal.

So I encourage you to pay close attention to how the hug your T gave you today makes you feel. Keep track of it and share that with your T. And again - GREAT JOB!

[Chopin99]

I'm so glad you can get that need met! This is great, Snuff!

[pbutton]

Impressive!!!

[growlycat]

Doesn't it feel good? Way to go!!!!

The trick is, to be able to say when you don't want a hug too. (Not that I know when that is!!!)

[Snuffleupagus]

I really appreciate the cheers and support, because that type of openness is a pretty new way of being for me. I feel like I still have my toddler legs where this stuff is concerned.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Doesn't it feel good? Way to go!!!!

The trick is, to be able to say when you don't want a hug too. (Not that I know when that is!!!)

ONE time - the first session after our rupture - no "opening" hug, I just felt like I didn't know who he was. T said, oh, the cold shoulder, huh? But I knew he was feeling awkward and bad too, it sounded like that comment "slipped out", like it was something he said to his ex-wives! We did hug goodbye that session, we worked things out pretty quickly about who we were to each other, although things were pretty intense for a while. But you're right, it felt good to say, no, I can't.

[Towanda]

I have to admit - I am so jealous of all of you that get to hug your T after a session. My T (male) has a very strict no touch policy (we don't even shake hands now - we did once or twice in the past) and so many times I am aching for human contact. I am married, but my husband travels for weeks at a time. Kids are out and grown so very little touch in my life. I would give anything for a hug from him. But I know it's not his policy. Also it would feel awkward maybe?? He's younger - 40 to my 58 and smaller in stature. Plus I'm not exactly small chested. All in all probably not a good thing.

I'm rambling. Guess I just wanted to say - those of you who get hugged treasure it!!

[sweepy62]

i have been in therapy a yr i love my t and she likes me i would ask her for a hug but i dont want her to think i always want a hug i just want one hug

First, I'm so pleased and impressed by your speaking up about your needs! It must have felt amazing, after this risk, to have someone agree to meet them

One of the Ts that I saw told me that it's common practice for the therapist to wait until the client asks for a hug before hugging him/her. I know that sometimes Ts offer hugs first (as was the case for me in one of my last four relationships when I absolutely broke down based on something she said to me), but perhaps waiting for the client to ask is what's typically taught in T school? This was my experience with the other three Ts I've seen--I had to ask for a hug/initiate a hug, but then after this it became common practice. A couple of them asked me what the hug meant to me and with my current T we talked about this at length.

[Snuffleupagus]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

i have been in therapy a yr i love my t and she likes me i would ask her for a hug but i dont want her to think i always want a hug i just want one hug

Then you can tell her that. It's difficult but certainly not impossible to communicate those needs to your T, and there's nothing wrong with being specific.

I think I used to have that hollywood crap in my head telling me that if someone really cared about me, they'd know what I needed without my saying so. Not so much anymore. I feel like I trust my current T enough to let her know if I don't want a hug.

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