Therapist talking about other clients in your session??

Hi guys! New poster here... I'm actually kind of bummed I'm only just discovering this forum. I find all the posts about the idiosyncrasies of therapy/therapists on this forum fascinating! I've been lurking for all of a week and am already hooked/behind in schoolwork as a result. I'm not sure if there's a place to introduce ourselves here, but just a brief intro-- I've been in some form of therapy for the past 14 years mainly for eating disorder/depression/social anxiety. I recently moved for grad school and left a therapist I had been seeing for 12 years ( ) and started seeing a new therapist about 4 months ago, who is mostly pretty great and I have grown quite attached to her already.

Anyway, something I've noticed about her that is different from what I'm used to is how she makes frequent mention of "other clients." Not by name obviously, but like "I have this client who said/did ________ the other day and <insert relevant anecdote/life lesson>." I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, it makes me happy to know she cares enough to pay attention to and remember things her clients say, and is skilled enough to use examples in meaningful ways. On the other hand, it makes the "I am not her only client" reality that much clearer, and I do have issues with this (I want to be her favorite/it hurts to think I'm just a small blip on her radar). And it makes me wonder if she ever uses examples from our sessions... such pressure!!

Once she even said "the girl who was here before you..." and then went on to give a pretty detailed story about her. eeks. And the thing is, I had just run into the girl as she was leaving/I was coming (therapist didn't know this though). Kinda weird. As if I'm not paranoid enough about how I measure up to her other clients.

I personally would feel the same way - and would be a little concerned. Do you feel that you have the relationship with her to be able to talk about what you are/aren't comfortable with? I know from personal experience that therapists often don't realise that some of the things they are saying/doing can have those negative consequences when they are trying to help.

I find that my training has taught me that to talk about other clients:
1) Always have their permission to do so, explaining what will be said and why
2) Never discuss clients who I'm still working with (or at least not their current state). Only talk about progress they have made (what they did, what happened etc) again with their permission
3) Never use any form of identifying information - including when they have sessions etc.

Every therapist is different however and there is a good chance that she is not realising that it is affecting you, or that you are able to identify the person she is talking about.

In general if T use an example from a past or present clients I am okay with. T has done it a couple of times, not huge detailed stories, but something that is relevant to my situation. However, the story you shared about T using the previous client with you, I think crosses a line.

welcome and glad you found us here.

On occasion T references another client in the context of something we are discussing. I don't particularly feel anything about it one way or another (although he's had some fascinating clients). Just consider those stories information to plug into I guess.

My T will also talk about other clients but is very vague about any identifying details. He will usually only say man or woman. I find it very helpful to hear that others are struggling with some of the same issues that I am. But it also makes me very curious - does he talk about me to his other clients, and what does he say??

My T does this. I find it quite interesting. He did tell me that the girl who showed up at my appt time and stormed out never came back. (She was supposed to be the appt before mine but she made a mistake. She didn't take it well.) He's shared info about a few other patients too.

He did once observe that I was unwilling to talk. He asked why and I said I didn't really know. He told me when he sees children that refuse to speak it is because they want to retain control. I felt kind of silly that I was doing something that caused him to compare me to child patients.. but he probably had a point.

My T never ever talks about other clients.

Once I asked him about this girl I had seen coming out of his office-he was helping her to a car. She had a broken leg and had bruises all over her face and arms and I asked if she was in a car accident. He refused to answer and I like it, it reassured me that he won't talk about me with someone else.

No my T doesn't bring others into my therapy. She has a high level of commitment to privacy. She refers to me only. Even if I've made a small remark about other clients she's just gently smiled and not replied.

My T has told me things about other clients on rare occasions. Once he told me about an alcoholic client who adored his children but kept drinking even at the risk of losing custody in the context of explaining that some people cannot stop their destructive behaviors, but it doesn't mean that the person doesn't love those his behavior endangers. We were discussing my husband. I didn't like the example and thought his client was an *** who probably deserves to lose custody. [But maybe that's just me and my issues after living with abusive, alcoholic and drug addicted parents.]

The other time my T mentioned a client, he was telling me that nothing I could tell him could change how he "cares for" me. He told me he has a client who is a pedophile, and nothing I can say will be worse than what that guy discusses with him. He also mentioned that no matter what that guys says to him, my T still sees the horror of what this guy wants to do to children through the filter of the horrible, horrible things this guy's mother did to him, and never thinks the guy himself is a horrible person. [ummm, T, some of your clients ARE horrible people. ugh.]

Oh, and one time, he mentioned one of the items on his shelf -- a little house. He said the windows used to light up and one of his clients gave it to him at their last session with a note about how nice it was to actually be seen. He mentioned it in the context of how much I used to hide and didn't want to be seen, and I am just now getting to the point of wanting to be seen.

My T will say something like, that's a drawing or a gift from a child client, if I notice something in his office, but that's about it. I would be VERY uncomfortable with what the OP's T is doing - that is WAY unethical, let alone unprofessional. And with a relatively new client? This T has boundary AND intimacy issues of her own, and maybe needs to feel important? Is majorly inexperienced? Is a major gossip? Should be major gone. Sorry, me no like. But welcome to PC, eh? (I feel like such a jerk! )

Thanks for the feedback!

I don't think it bothers me enough to bring it up to her. Like I said, I like that it means she remembers and thinks about the things her clients say, I think it's more my issue that I feel in competition with her other clients (who I don't even know, other than from what she tells me about them). If I bring it up at all, I am sometimes tempted to do it in a joking manner, like "I wonder what you say about ME to your other clients? Something like 'I have this client who won't stop emailing me, but I don't know how to tell her nicely to get a life...'"

Oh, but she did tell me about a client who died once and I was kind of like ... I later did tell her that one bothered me and we talked about it. It was in the context of her trying to get me to see the seriousness of my illness, but it was just a poorly timed and worded example.

She is not inexperienced or otherwise unethical in any way. She self-discloses a lot but always in meaningful ways, about her own recovery usually, which I find helpful. And I like that she is not as closed off or... careful, as other therapists I've seen. I know she is not perfect and I like that about her. To me it makes her more real. I know some people have issues with this though.

My T has only ever made very vague comments about other clients or people in her life - nothing identifying - and only anecdotal or to make a point or make me feel better about my situation or whatever, just like "I know other people who would sit in that chair and say they wished they were less [this thing you want to be] and more [this thing you are]..." or something like that. Never any more specific than that. And appointments seem to be sufficiently spaced to allow for no overlap. One time the window cleaners came around and so she shut the blinds and kept my session going until they left! I think my T takes her clients confidentiality very seriously. More seriously than I'd even expect, to be honest, but it makes me feel safe. If she told me specifics about other people I'd worry things I told her would go further, too. I could make a pretty safe bet that my T is discreet in her private life, too. Some people are more inclined to gossip than others, I guess, so some Ts will probably let a little more slip than others, like 'I probably shouldn't say this, but...' - I wouldn't like that.

mine does this sometimes when he wants to illustrate a point; or talk about something that worked or he thinks could help me in some way ... or on a few rare occasions if he thought i might have insight. There's a couple I've heard several times before. He never gives names though or that much detail just enough that he needs for his story. My biggest problem with it I think is that question of ... what is he telling other clients about me!

My T has referenced clients a few times. Sometimes relevant to my situation kinda and other times just anwsering a question about something random I asked. Usually something like 'am I the only client who does this____' lol. He never gives their name, but one time he did say the patient before you, but I never saw that patient...

I find it interesting. He also talks about previous patients and goes into a lil more detail with that (still no names though)

OMG, I frickin' HATE THAT! ARGH! I just threw up in my mouth a little! Blechhhhhhhhhh!

That behavior would be a total dealbreaker for me. I'm in therapy to discuss MY issues. I don't give a crap about my therapist's other clients. My therapist should be GLUED to me and my story, especially in the initial sessions! Your T should be trying to get to know you, not lumping you in with other people she's seen in practice, or comparing you in ANY WAY to them. This is purely the wrong focus.

It also sounds like she's just talking way too much in your sessions. Does she talk about her family and friends, what movies she's seen recently, how hard it is to sell her house? Is she even letting you get a word in edgewise?

You can bring up your concerns with this T in a nice way, but do bring them up. Ask her why she feels it's necessary to discuss other clients in session with you. Stress the fact that it's important to you to feel focused on exclusively.

Add that you're uncomfortable with the lack of confidentiality she's displaying, and that you hope she's not talking about YOU to the rest of her clients. Names or no names, it shows very poor judgment on her part. SERIOUSLY inappropriate.

This thread has reminded me - I once had a T who mentioned another client during our session, and it was just awful. I was telling him about my endless problems with my father, and out of frickin' nowhere, he said to me:

"I just saw a guy, a young boy, who has an abusive father. The other day his father was acting chummy and pleasant, and he told his son to come closer. He put his arm around the boy, and then you know what he did? He punched him in the nose and broke his nose."

So I'm sitting there, going WTFing' F????

It was a horrible story. My heart was pounding as I was sitting there staring at my therapist. I had no doubt that it was true.

But I wondered, WHY is he telling me this? Is he showing me what people with REAL problems go through? The endless bickering of my passive-aggressive asshat of a misogynist father was just, well, NOTHING next to what this other kid had gone through?

I felt:

shocked
marginalized
dehumanized
dismissed
humliated
cut down
put in my place

And about a jillion other things. It was about twenty years ago that that happened, and I'm still steamed! I fantasize regularly about meeting up with that guy - I live in the area where he had told me years ago he was planning to retire - and telling him what I think. I wonder if I would actually have the courage to confront him! (sigh) Probably not, but it's a good fantasy...

I have a vague recollection of my therapist telling me about a time when she did talk about me with another client. But it was something pretty innocuous, related to my process of applying for grad school, I think.

She's also brought up other clients, but very, very rarely. Sometimes I'M tempted to bring up other clients, both in the general sense, and specifically about this one client whom I kept running to into her waiting area. When I've asked, she's told me a little bit about her other clients - like how many she sees each week, the fact that other clients email her, that kind of thing. Nothing specific, though.

I have issues too with thinking about my T having other clients. And with having children!

My T talks very minimally only about former clients who have had similar problems. I like it that way...that means she's probably not using me as an example...although if my story helps someone else...it would be okay.

She uses herself as an example more often.

My T has never mentioned other clients in the entire year I've been seeing her. I think that means she never mentions me to her other clients. I don't think I'd be at all comfortable if she did either of those...

kitten, no offense, but you might have wanted to put a trigger warning on your post? which also I think goes to prove your point of how totally inappropriate it was of your T to tell such a traumatizing story? my idiot family tells stories like that.

My t is a vault and never discusses other patients. I like this. I know my secrets are safe with him

When this happens it drives me CRAZY!

My T does this a lot, if something is relevant to my issues or the topic we're discussing. Never many details though, just "I have a client who does (x)" or "Many of my clients also deal with this".
It did bother me at first (I know she doesn't name them or anything, but still, what about confidentiality?), but then I just accepted it as part of her MO.

Recently though I've gotten a bit mad at my T for several reasons and I'm starting to doubt her abilities a little, so maybe this just further shows that she's not that good at her job.

(She also self-discloses a lot... sometimes too much, I think. I mean, I didn't really need to know when she lost her virginity... )

She does talk more than other therapists I've had, but I never feel like I can't get a word in. She talks about casual things sometimes, but they're still relevant to stuff we're working on. A big issue for me is stepping outside my disorder and experiencing "real life" things because I've been so socially isolated for so long. For this reason, it can be helpful to talk with her about light-hearted stuff sometimes, and practice just knowing how to have a casual conversation with someone.

I've had therapists who hardly say two words in a session and THAT bothers me. It makes me paranoid.

I think for me the main issue with the stories about other clients is my feeling "not special." I saw my previous therapist for over a decade and I knew I was one of her favorites... she didn't have to tell me, I just knew. I've only been seeing this therapist for a few months and I often wonder how long she's been seeing her other clients, and how she feels about me in relation to them. I actually think she really likes me... and I usually think people hate me so this must say something. Still, I do obviously have issues with needing to feel special. I actually may bring this up now that I think about it... she probably already gets this sense.

me too...