[rainbow8]

Sorry this is so long, but I want to hold on to the feelings of my session before I forget!

I wish all my sessions could be like today though it was awfully difficult. I'm patting myself on the back for working hard. oops, is there a "patting yourself on the back" smile?

First of all, the money issue was no problem at all. We didn't even have to discuss it. Then, she asked if I brought my email in which I wrote "what I would tell my preteen part about growing up". Of course I did because I thought maybe I would read it. Sure enough, that's what she asked me to do. I immediately said "I can't!" because I hate the anatomy words! She got me to realize I don't hate them; I'm just embarrassed. So I pondered what would be the worst thing that would happen, and I said "I'd blush" but I already was so that was taken care of.

So, she suggested, for the first time, letting me hold the EMDR buzzers to help calm me. Then I started reading (it was just a couple of paragraphs) and halted at the list of words. My T said I don't have to read them but I of course said I want to. So I did. Gulp. I didn't die. Then, what do you think she did? Asked me to read it again, saying we were doing a little exposure therapy. So I did, and it was a little easier. Then, she had me read it a 3rd time! I did it!!!! She really liked what I wrote, BTW, and we had a little discussion about whether Moms would really tell their daughters some of it. That's for another thread with a trigger, though.

After this success, we did EMDR about her saying "no" last session, about me not thinking that my feelings were important. We talked some about how I don't remember crying except twice in my life, while I was growing up, and I don't remember being comforted. We didn't talk about feelings in my house; we hid them. I wasn't punished for having them, but was never encouraged to tell my parents how I felt.

T asked if I ever cried in therapy. She had forgotten that I told her "never". She said that sometimes she sees that I'm close to tears and wanted to know what stops me from crying. I really don't know except that I'm not used to expressing my feelings with other people, as I wrote above. She told me it's okay to cry in my session, and I said, "I know. If I ever do, we'll have a party!" She also wants me to drop the burden of feeling like I can't tell anyone my feelings. I guess she meant other than her! But I responded that, when I do, I still don't get comforted. My H doesn't respond to feelings. I do have a close friend who will, though. I also said to my T that I told her my feelings and what I wanted last week, but she said no and did NOT comfort me.

She apologized for saying no and explained that it was to help me (I forgot the rest of what she said). I know it's because I need to talk to my parts, not her. The only frustrating part of the EMDR work was that when I finally started to feel the devastated feeling that I felt when she said "no" last week, it was almost time to stop and I didn't get to stay with that feeling. Or, maybe it was when I almost cried so she asked me about crying. It was productive, anyway.

Before we stopped, she gave me a "Valentine's Day present." A little polished stone heart, not red, but earth tones. She probably gave one to everyone, but I love it! It's the first thing she's ever given me, and was a surprise. That almost made me cry! Then, I asked if I could hold her hand and that was all right with her, for just a few minutes.

I feel so warm and connected to my T, in spite of the session being about ME. I didn't cry in the car and I still feel good. I haven't even emailed her yet!

[rainbow_rose]

yay for a good session! i'm happy for you, rainbow.

happy day.

I'm happy you had such a good session! There is really something special about the ones that leave us feeling warm and connected to our Ts.

[Wren_]

that sounds so nice rainbow, especially the valentines gift ... how special
well done on the session and also for recognising you did well

[likelife]

What a wonderful session!

[rainbow8]

thanks! When I held her hand I commented that her hand was cold. Mine was very warm due to the buzzers and intensity of the session, I guess. In the past, with other Ts, I never, ever would have felt comfortable enough to make a comment like that. Not that I ever held their hand. It shows I'm not as self-conscious about noticing and commenting on something like that. Progress for me, though it may not sound like much.

[jazzy123456]

I'm happy that you feel good about your session

sounds like you did a good job of getting through the email and reading it outloud.

that is a hard thing to do.

i know it firsthand, as i am a writer but, a woman who forgets all of that 'talent' when she sits in front of her therapist and babbles on and on for an hour...

i do think your T is trying to protect you when she sets boundaries, so that is positive too.

i think it takes bravery for any of us to allow our feelings to emerge... feelings cannot be caculated or defined all of the time...

they tend to just be messy and fragmented.

so good for you in just taking the time to acknowledge the preteen you, the part of you that didn't know how to express herself...

each day is a new day, so- who knows, one day you'll cry or express your feelings more then you do today---

good work rainbow

[granite1]

wow rain i am so glad you had a good session with your T she sounds so awsome.i am glad you have been able to hold on to these feelings so far.wonder if it is because of the little heart that she gave you.
you work so hard at T.you are amazing and keep going

[Sannah]

Excellent work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kitten16]

Wow, what a great T! I'm so jealous...But it's not all her. You're doing hard work too. Congrats!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Sorry this is so long, but I want to hold on to the feelings of my session before I forget!

I wish all my sessions could be like today though it was awfully difficult. I'm patting myself on the back for working hard. oops, is there a "patting yourself on the back" smile?

First of all, the money issue was no problem at all. We didn't even have to discuss it. Then, she asked if I brought my email in which I wrote "what I would tell my preteen part about growing up". Of course I did because I thought maybe I would read it. Sure enough, that's what she asked me to do. I immediately said "I can't!" because I hate the anatomy words! She got me to realize I don't hate them; I'm just embarrassed. So I pondered what would be the worst thing that would happen, and I said "I'd blush" but I already was so that was taken care of.

So, she suggested, for the first time, letting me hold the EMDR buzzers to help calm me. Then I started reading (it was just a couple of paragraphs) and halted at the list of words. My T said I don't have to read them but I of course said I want to. So I did. Gulp. I didn't die. Then, what do you think she did? Asked me to read it again, saying we were doing a little exposure therapy. So I did, and it was a little easier. Then, she had me read it a 3rd time! I did it!!!! She really liked what I wrote, BTW, and we had a little discussion about whether Moms would really tell their daughters some of it. That's for another thread with a trigger, though.

After this success, we did EMDR about her saying "no" last session, about me not thinking that my feelings were important. We talked some about how I don't remember crying except twice in my life, while I was growing up, and I don't remember being comforted. We didn't talk about feelings in my house; we hid them. I wasn't punished for having them, but was never encouraged to tell my parents how I felt.

T asked if I ever cried in therapy. She had forgotten that I told her "never". She said that sometimes she sees that I'm close to tears and wanted to know what stops me from crying. I really don't know except that I'm not used to expressing my feelings with other people, as I wrote above. She told me it's okay to cry in my session, and I said, "I know. If I ever do, we'll have a party!" She also wants me to drop the burden of feeling like I can't tell anyone my feelings. I guess she meant other than her! But I responded that, when I do, I still don't get comforted. My H doesn't respond to feelings. I do have a close friend who will, though. I also said to my T that I told her my feelings and what I wanted last week, but she said no and did NOT comfort me.

She apologized for saying no and explained that it was to help me (I forgot the rest of what she said). I know it's because I need to talk to my parts, not her. The only frustrating part of the EMDR work was that when I finally started to feel the devastated feeling that I felt when she said "no" last week, it was almost time to stop and I didn't get to stay with that feeling. Or, maybe it was when I almost cried so she asked me about crying. It was productive, anyway.

Before we stopped, she gave me a "Valentine's Day present." A little polished stone heart, not red, but earth tones. She probably gave one to everyone, but I love it! It's the first thing she's ever given me, and was a surprise. That almost made me cry! Then, I asked if I could hold her hand and that was all right with her, for just a few minutes.

I feel so warm and connected to my T, in spite of the session being about ME. I didn't cry in the car and I still feel good. I haven't even emailed her yet!

[rainbow8]

Thank you for the responses and hugs. They mean a lot to me!
I finally emailed my T to talk about the session and how good it was! I thanked her again for the heart and for her understanding about the money I owe her. I always analyze my sessions, probably too much, but it's what I like to do.

There was something I told her that I think is totally TMI. I've been sort of obsessing about it. I keep bringing it up in emails and in my sessions. When I told her (I can't say what it is--too ) again, she said something reassuring to me like it was no big deal. I realized that I need to keep telling her this because I never could tell my Mom anything I needed to, so I never got the reassurance that I was "okay". Having my T accept what I told her is such a huge relief. It's equivalent to my telling her "I'm bad" and she saying "no you're NOT". I don't think she realized the importance of, and why I keep telling this one thing, and neither did I. But it was the preteen knowing she could tell her "Mom" anything and be comforted. It was what I needed. I think next session I will work on my acceptance of myself regarding this. I see how it's all related!!

[Sannah]

Very good Rainbow!!

[rainbow8]

Thank you for validating my last post, Sannah. I kind of wanted someone to acknowledge it because as you know, my T doesn't answer my emails, and it's hard to keep my insights to myself. I feel like I'm going to burst! I know my T smiled when she read my email to her because it was so positive, and I know she'll get what I was talking about, but I'm like a little kid. I can't wait to talk about it in person with her! Then the downside hits. If I never see her again, can I hold the good stuff inside of me? Can I accept that because she accepted me and all my parts, can I accept them? I would cry and cry if something happened to my T right now.