[Chopin99]

I had session today and I continue to be amazed. When T came out to get me and said, "Chopin, you ready?" I walked up to her in the hall, looked her in the eye and said, "no," with a straight face. She didn't remember the joke from last session (what would she do if I said no...she would look at me funny and tell me bye) but admittedly it was just in passing. She asked, "No? You're not? Are you having a bad day? Do you not want to be here?" I walked past her into the office and said, "I'm teasing you." She said, "Then get in my office, sit down, and shut up!" Note: I knew she was teasing back. However, it did start a discussion of the "25 things not to say to someone in crisis". She didn't find it funny either. One reason: in the last CE ethics class she took, the instructor gave an example of a T who was sued...because he conducted sessions with females...at his home. In his hot tub. Naked. The T won the case by saying it was a particular type of therapy.

I talked quite a bit about work. It's shop talk and really wouldn't help anyone else.

Then I asked her four questions.

1. I know I'm going to be talking about some really troubling subject matter soon. If I become really upset, what will you do?
She said she will be there with me. She will pray for me while it's happening. She will let me know I'm not alone. She said she will not comfort me and that will be hard for her and it is always hard for her. She said I have to feel the feelings to work through it and she cannot make it easier or better. Not exactly what I want to hear, but I know she is right.

2. If I am talking about a disturbing subject, will you sit next to me?
She said she didn't have a problem with it on a surface level, but wanted to know why I want her to do that. I told her so I wouldn't feel alone. She said that made sense; however, she knows my desire to have someone's shoulder to lean on and worries that's what I'll expect even though she cannot do that in this process. She said she also worries if she thinks it's not good for me and changes her mind, I'll think she's rejecting me when she's not. I told her I trust her judgement.

3. When did you realize my problems were more than surface issues? What clued you in?
She said that as she got to know me, that she realized how hard I was trying to hold it all together. That I was determined not to let her in. She said I would crack very rarely, then scramble to reverse back to impenetrable. She said rather candidly that no one would come to therapy for the issues I was talking about. She said it seemed to her I wanted to get to the healing part without having to process anything. She said she really wanted to push me, but knew if she did, she'd lose me. She said she prayed and prayed for me.

Which led to my last question...and the most beautiful, meaningful, compassionate thing anyone has ever said to me. I took it in stride when she said it, but once I got in the car, it impacted me more than anything else she has said in almost a year of therapy.

4. Why did you decide to take a risk and open yourself up to me, despite the personal and professional risks?
She said, "Because you're worth more than the risks."

I know what the risks are. I have to think about interactions with my own clients. As much as I dearly love them, could I say any one of them is worth the risk? Would I risk losing my career for one of them? I don't know if I could say that.

She is also an admitted control freak who has her own issues with faith, but she chose to have faith in me. She thinks I'm worth it.

No one has ever said anything like that to me. No one. She thinks more of me than I do.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

One reason: in the last CE ethics class she took, the instructor gave an example of a T who was sued...because he conducted sessions with females...at his home. In his hot tub. Naked. The T won the case by saying it was a particular type of therapy.
:

And yet I get questioned and chastised at my cautious, suspicious approach to therapists.

I am glad she answered your questions so well for you.

[vanessaG]

I'm glad you got your questions anwsered! One of your questions inspired me to ask something similar to my T next session

Ummm as far as the T who was conducting sessions in his hot tub..naked?? And won!??!! WOw!!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

And yet I get questioned and chastised at my cautious, suspicious approach to therapists.

Your last naked hot tub session was when, exactly? And why weren't us pocket riders invited??!!

[stopdog]

Well, I cancelled for this week. And no pockets if there is nudity.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

No one has ever said anything like that to me. No one. She thinks more of me than I do.

This is how it is between me and my T. There is still always work to be done, but the basis, the bond is there.

[sweepy62]

thanks choppin it gave me an idea to ask my t some questions i must admit your t is more open than mine is but when i talk to her about sensitive stuff she pushes her chair a bit closer to me and tells me i am doing ok

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

And no pockets if there is nudity.

Oh yeah I forgot!

[Wren_]

I hurt somehow reading that she would be there but not comfort you. That is something I find really hard always about this process. Why do we have to feel feelings? haven't they been felt enough or locked away because it was too hard to feel them?

The risk she has taken, I think it was more than worth it, that you are

Glad she picked up on the teasing and ran with it; and that you knew she was teasing back as well

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I had session today and I continue to be amazed. When T came out to get me and said, "Chopin, you ready?" I walked up to her in the hall, looked her in the eye and said, "no," with a straight face. She didn't remember the joke from last session (what would she do if I said no...she would look at me funny and tell me bye) but admittedly it was just in passing. She asked, "No? You're not? Are you having a bad day? Do you not want to be here?" I walked past her into the office and said, "I'm teasing you." She said, "Then get in my office, sit down, and shut up!" Note: I knew she was teasing back. However, it did start a discussion of the "25 things not to say to someone in crisis". She didn't find it funny either. One reason: in the last CE ethics class she took, the instructor gave an example of a T who was sued...because he conducted sessions with females...at his home. In his hot tub. Naked. The T won the case by saying it was a particular type of therapy.

I talked quite a bit about work. It's shop talk and really wouldn't help anyone else.

Then I asked her four questions.

1. I know I'm going to be talking about some really troubling subject matter soon. If I become really upset, what will you do?
She said she will be there with me. She will pray for me while it's happening. She will let me know I'm not alone. She said she will not comfort me and that will be hard for her and it is always hard for her. She said I have to feel the feelings to work through it and she cannot make it easier or better. Not exactly what I want to hear, but I know she is right.

2. If I am talking about a disturbing subject, will you sit next to me?
She said she didn't have a problem with it on a surface level, but wanted to know why I want her to do that. I told her so I wouldn't feel alone. She said that made sense; however, she knows my desire to have someone's shoulder to lean on and worries that's what I'll expect even though she cannot do that in this process. She said she also worries if she thinks it's not good for me and changes her mind, I'll think she's rejecting me when she's not. I told her I trust her judgement.

3. When did you realize my problems were more than surface issues? What clued you in?
She said that as she got to know me, that she realized how hard I was trying to hold it all together. That I was determined not to let her in. She said I would crack very rarely, then scramble to reverse back to impenetrable. She said rather candidly that no one would come to therapy for the issues I was talking about. She said it seemed to her I wanted to get to the healing part without having to process anything. She said she really wanted to push me, but knew if she did, she'd lose me. She said she prayed and prayed for me.

Which led to my last question...and the most beautiful, meaningful, compassionate thing anyone has ever said to me. I took it in stride when she said it, but once I got in the car, it impacted me more than anything else she has said in almost a year of therapy.

4. Why did you decide to take a risk and open yourself up to me, despite the personal and professional risks?
She said, "Because you're worth more than the risks."

I know what the risks are. I have to think about interactions with my own clients. As much as I dearly love them, could I say any one of them is worth the risk? Would I risk losing my career for one of them? I don't know if I could say that.

She is also an admitted control freak who has her own issues with faith, but she chose to have faith in me. She thinks I'm worth it.

No one has ever said anything like that to me. No one. She thinks more of me than I do.

It sounds like a good session. I hope your upcoming tough session works out better than mine did. I'm psyching myself up to be stronger next time. However, you have made much more progress than me.
What a nice thought to know that you are "worth it" to her!
Bluemountains

[Chopin99]

I sent her this email shortly after posting this post:

T,

When I was driving home after session, one statement you made today hit me like a ton of bricks: "You're worth more than the risks."

I've had a lump in my throat ever since I realized what that meant. I think if I saw you again right now I would just bawl.

Do you realize that no one in my life has ever said anything that kind, loving, or compassionate to me?

You have completely disarmed me. Do you know how much of an impact you make on me?

You think more of me than I think of myself. Words cannot express how grateful I am for you.

And you don't understand why I want to hug you sometimes and not let go?

Amazing grace. I see it.

Love, Chopin

[SallyBrown]

This is wonderful, Chopin. I hope you can keep T's words with you -- there's nothing like hearing something we really need, is there?

Very very glad for you

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

4. Why did you decide to take a risk and open yourself up to me, despite the personal and professional risks?
She said, "Because you're worth more than the risks."

I know what the risks are. I have to think about interactions with my own clients. As much as I dearly love them, could I say any one of them is worth the risk? Would I risk losing my career for one of them? I don't know if I could say that.

She is also an admitted control freak who has her own issues with faith, but she chose to have faith in me. She thinks I'm worth it.

No one has ever said anything like that to me. No one. She thinks more of me than I do.

I think you are worth it too.

But I must have missed the part about the professional risk. I wasn't aware that she had taken any.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I hurt somehow reading that she would be there but not comfort you. That is something I find really hard always about this process. Why do we have to feel feelings? haven't they been felt enough or locked away because it was too hard to feel them?

The risk she has taken, I think it was more than worth it, that you are

Glad she picked up on the teasing and ran with it; and that you knew she was teasing back as well

From what I understand, whether we have felt those feelings or buried them, we haven't properly processed them. The healing is in the processing.

Thanks for echoing T's words that I am worth it. It means SO much!

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I think you are worth it too.

But I must have missed the part about the professional risk. I wasn't aware that she had taken any.

Thanks for thinking I'm worth it too. That means SO much to me!

The professional risk is this: the more a T shares about him/herself and his/her own problems, the more ammo a client has in a grievance or lawsuit. For instance, I could say that she was using me to tell her own problems to for her benefit, which is unethical.

Then again, working in the mental health field carries inherent risk, I've found.

[Chopin99]

I sent T another email this morning. I'd like some opinions on it.

I told H about session yesterday. I told him exactly this regarding your
statement that I'm worth more than the risks: "I know what these risks are, so it meant a lot to me that she said that." He replied, "Hmph, your reading into it too much; people take risks all the time and don't think about the
consequences. It's not that big a deal. But I will say, you're not assuming the
worst. I guess that's progress." I said, "She seems to put a great deal of
thought and prayer into her clients. I appreciate that." He went, "Hmph" again
and that was the end of the conversation.

He took something that meant a lot to me and tried to minimize it. Your
statement made me feel like I was worth something to someone; you've tried to convince me of my inherent worth for quite some time. You make an enormous impact on my life for the better.

But in the back of my mind, a little voice doubts, saying "Is he right? Is it
really not that big a deal?"

Is he right?

Chopin

Is he right or is he minimizing?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Is he right or is he minimizing?

His mother tries to shoot him - he HAS to minimize to survive. That's probably still his mindset to some extent - he hasn't had this breakthru experience that you just had, so he doesn't get it. My mother used to chase me around the house with a knife, but I HAVE had this experience with T, so I am NOT minimizing it for you. That is why I posted to you yesterday. I have purposely been trying to stay out of the way of your therapy, trying not to interfere (which is why i've been quiet). But for this - H CAN'T know it. It's beyond his ken. But I don't think he's purposely minimizing, FWIW.

[Chopin99]

I received an answer from T within two hours of sending my email. She took it seriously:

Don't let others steal your joy! It might not be a big deal to someone else-they might not struggle with self worth. So it would not mean much to them.
The truth is that I do think about the consequences of my choices especially
when it comes to my clients and to my profession.
Your worth is set by God not by others or their opinions.
Have a great weekend,
T

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Thanks for thinking I'm worth it too. That means SO much to me!

The professional risk is this: the more a T shares about him/herself and his/her own problems, the more ammo a client has in a grievance or lawsuit. For instance, I could say that she was using me to tell her own problems to for her benefit, which is unethical.

Then again, working in the mental health field carries inherent risk, I've found.

Now I understand. We don't have such a culture of litigation in my country, so self-disclosure doesn't seem like a professional risk.

[Snuffleupagus]

That sounds like such a meaningful and reassuring session you had. I'm truly happy for you. As to your H's perceptions, it wasn't his experience and it's not his responsibility to judge where your progress lies. But as they say, opinions are like noses; everyone has one. (Except Tycho Brahe and Tyrion Lannister).

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

That sounds like such a meaningful and reassuring session you had. I'm truly happy for you. As to your H's perceptions, it wasn't his experience and it's not his responsibility to judge where your progress lies. But as they say, opinions are like noses; everyone has one. (Except Tycho Brahe and Tyrion Lannister).

My H would love you for the Game of Thrones reference.

Speaking of H, I talked to him about his minimization. He's just afraid I'm going to get hurt. Well, I AM going to get hurt in this process. I'm dredging up painful stuff from the past. He doesn't like to see me suffer. That hurts him.