Asked a strange question

I just wanted to ask a few questions about what sort of questions is it appropriate for counsellors/therapists to ask clients...particularly young clients...as I just remembered something that happened to me a while ago when I was 13 nearly 14 I had a few sessions with the school counsellor as there had been a few issues at home that have been affecting me and as a result I was suffering from panic attacks and anxiety.She has been really helpful so far in this...however occasionally she would ask strange questions that seemed irrelevant and slightly inappropriate.

Obviously other aspects of your life get brought up in the sessions as well as the issues you have gone with...and I had recently split up with a boyfriend (bear in mind I was only 13/14 and we only went out for 3 weeks)...she asked if I was still with him and I told her I wasn't...that he had been seeing another girl so we broke up...she then began to ask me a series of questions that I felt were completely inappropriate for the situation and for my age at the time such as "do you worry that when your boyfriend was with the other girl he had a hardon (actually used the word hardon!!!) when he was kissing her?" "Do you worry that he would get a hardon when looking at other girls and not when he looked at you?" "Do you worry that he was getting something sexually from the other girl that he couldn't get with you?" I was only 13...I knew about sex from sex education lessons at school and from what friends and family had told me...but in terms of my own life I saw it as something that was way in the future...when I was older and settled down into a long term relationship and in love...I had no sexual experience whatsoever and didn't plan to in the near future so these questions were really inappropriate as it really wasn't that kind of relationship at all...we were just kids...she would also ask where we would go to be on our own to "do whatever it is you do"....

Do you think these are strange questions? Am I just being a bit of a prude?

Sorry to bump an old thread but does anyone else think this is wierd or have any idea why she asked me that?

That certainly seems a bit explicit! I could understand it if there were questions about unprotected sex.

It is difficult to say because she may have been picking up on something from you that she thought she heard but may have heard it the wrong way.

It sounds as if she was coming from a place where she assumed she knew what may have been impacting on you and using language that she assumed all teenagers may use. These may have been approriate questions for someone of your age who may have had the experiences she was referring to, but sounds as if she was way off the mark with you and your needs.

Thank you for your replies...I just thought it was a bit strange...as the reason I went to her was to do with some issues with my family and the impact it is having on me anxiety wise... (experiencing some social anxiety and panic attacks as well as stress from it). I didn't go to her for any reason relating to sex...I did see this therapist for quite some time...so it's not as if a complete stranger asked this in the first or second session...but I do feel it was irrelevant...and at the time made me worry about things I didn't need to worry about at 13/14...I think it's possible that she might have been trying to find out if I was sexually active...without asking me outright...as my bf at the time was a little bit older (just turned 16 while we were going out)...incase I had any issues I couldn't talk to my parents about ie fear that I might be pregnant, pressured into unwanted sex by someone older etc etc which a lot of teenagers go through and being young if asked by an adult if I was sexually active I might have said "no" even if I was out of fear they'd inform my family cos of being underage...so perhaps if she asked a slightly explicit question in a roundabout way to test my reaction she'd get her answer...ie if I look perplexed she'd know it wasn't an issue as not at that stage of my life etc...or if I seemed to be more aware and knowledgeable she could try to get me to open up more if there was an issue...however it was a bit irrelevant...and I think she asked in a way that was condoning and normalising underage sex so that I wouldn't feel judged if I had anything to say on that subject...cos she might have worried cos I did have social anxiety I could find myself in a difficult situation with an older boyfriend ie not having the confidence to say no to anything I didn't want etc (but it didn't affect me in that way...just things like big group situations and speaking in front of a gruop fo people who were aving a conversation and some confidence issues due to things that are too indepth to go into here and now...to do with my family and some health issues).

Thanks for your replies. Thinking about it I think I've figured out why she asked that...although it seemed strange at the time and the situation...at that age I was slightly taken aback...I think my reaction was something like "No, that's something that I haven't thought of because I didn't know that they did" while doing a good job of hiding my shock (I wanted to seem mature) luckily I was never remotely embarrassed talking about anything relating to sex although (at the time due to being so young, I had no experience of it yet myself). She might have been trying to see my reaction...to find out if I was sexually active without asking me outright because a lot of kids would have just said they weren't even if they were incase they had to inform their family due to being underage...and I think she asked incase I had any issues regarding sex as my bf was slightly older (just turned 16) such as worrying I was pregnant or pressured into a sexual situation I didn't want (bearing in mind I had social anxiety....she may have been concerned that in having an older bf...I could find myself in situations I didn't want to be in out of not having the confidence to say no)...also some teenagers are really sexually experienced/active at 13 or 14 and some haven't got a clue...let alone any experience. She may have said it in a way that she was condoning underage sex or normalising it (to the point of assuming all kids are) so that I would feel able to open up and not feel judegd. Then again she could just have been using her position to be downright nosy...??? Or just to shock people out of curiosity about their personal lives and their reaction to her questions?

Lol two different posts from me have come up because I thought my first one hadn't printed so I typed out a second one.

She may have been checking out the breadth of your anxiety; teenagers just starting with relationships are often anxious about sexual issues and not knowing "how to" kiss, etc. and boys of that age have hardons :-) more often than not! Whether you knew that at that age or not and how you felt about it; how "sophisticated" you were she might have been checking out and/or how "jealous" you might be in general. Problems in one area of our life can have an impact on other areas; and breaking up with your boyfriend could have made your family problems more difficult for you or vice versa.

Whatever she was "checking out" I think her questions were inappropriate and a bit creepy. If you were my daughter and I found out some school counsellor was asking this type of question, I would be very angry.

I agree with this.

Really? So it's not just me being a prude or oversensitive then? At the time I just remember thinking "really....that's a new fact about sex I didn't know....although I think I'm too young to be worrying about all that....I wonder why she's asking me it's a bit OTT for the situation" I wasn't embarrassed or horrified....I knew about boys and sex and had been aware of feelings although the reality of it in my life was something way in the future....

I just think....I went there to talk about my family problems and social anxiety....she did have a tendency to go a bit deeper than needed although in the main I really liked her....thought a lot of her and felt I could tell her things....I did have some kind of therapeutic bond with her at the time (bear in mind I was only a very young teenager), in an older relative who really cares about me kind of way which is why I would never have wanted to think badly of her....if that makes any sense....

She could still though have been asking incase I had any concerns regarding sex that I felt unable to talk to anyone about.....so by asking those questions...she might have been letting me know it was a situation where I could talk about it (ie teenagers get pregnant and scared to tell their family or they get pressured into sex they're not ready for by an older boyfriend....and again they wouldn't want their family to know...she'd had a few sessions with me and I'd talked about my family and my anxiety and she knew me to be quite a painfully shy naive young thing.....I suppose...maybe she was worried I'd be in a situation I couldn't handle and with my mom being unwell (she had some kind of intense depression and was in her own bizarre world, she knew it would have been impossible to talk to at the time, my only other option would have been friends who were other 13 and 14 year olds....) so maybve that's why....I don't know why this has been playing on my mind recently.

Then again when I left her office I was half thinking "wow, didn't know boys could get an erection just from kissing a girl" and the other half thinking "why does she think he wouldn't get one with me....and anyway....I thought kissing was just a nice romantic thing at the end of a date...not sure I want to be worrying about that stuff yet...."

When you say creepy...in what way? I dunno she seemed really nice about my issues at home....but this threw me....bear in mind she was well into her 40s and had young children, so I can't imagine it would have been a perverted kind of thing.

When I told my mom her jaw dropped...then she just laughed in a shocked kind of way and said "oh well it's that old Freudian thing where everything relates to sex....erm yes I do think it was a bit inappropriate to ask a 13 year old that! These people go way too deep....I wouldn't worry about it!"

Creepy in that I wonder if she was in some way trying to see if she would get some kind of reaction out of you? That's a heck of a question to ask anyone, never mind a 13 year old. And it was TOTALLY out of context of the conversation - it had nothing to do with what you were talking about.

If I was your mother I would have reported her - she was way out of line. She doesn't belong working with children. And I wonder if her comment could have been considered sexual harassment.

That's true....maybe I'll never work it out...but, yeh it was strange....and also I felt like she'd turned quite an innocent relationship between a 14 and 15 year old (ie romantic, handholding the odd snog at the end of the evening and THAT was all new to me as it is to a lot of teenagers) into something trashy and oversexualised for our ages and the fact we only dated for 3 weeks....

I've thought about it again...and I'm just going to let it go now...I think it may have been to see my reaction....for her own reasons....for her benefit not mine I reckon...just to suss out how sexually aware I was at that age out of her own curiosity and to see if she could shock me.

She sounds like a whack.

I'm constantly amazed on this board how many people need validation that their creepy T is indeed Creepy.

Myself included!!!!

Thanks Mcl1636. It really was a strange and completely inappropriate thing to say to a kid of that age....also I was new to therapy etc so didn't know what was normal to ask someone in that situation, but this was really wierd....it's only now I'm older and I look back I think "that was really strange". Does anyone else have an opinion....I'm just interested in what other people make of it....

They seem a bit strange to me. I think sometimes therapists ask questions that THEY want to know the answer to for their own gratification not to help you.

Clearly this has stuck with you and not in a good way. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I think this is also possible...that she asked out of her own curiosity of wanting to see my reaction....I dunno....maybe she's a bit of a pervert....

I think it was inappropriate, but I don't think she meant it to be. Most T's are blunt (mine very much so). As a school counselor, she probably deals with 13/14 year olds on a daily basis that are experienced in that area. Some, like you and myself, have no clue at that age. I tend to agree that she was just normalizing it so that you could talk about it if it was an issue. But I still don't think she handled it very well.

I had intense mom transference to exT that resulted in termination and a referral, which was her supervisor. The supervisor is my current T. About the 4th session I had with her, we were discussing some of my feelings towards exT. She bluntly said something like "sometimes mom transference can seem homosexual." She acted like it was no big deal to say that. I immediatley was like "oh no its NOTHING like that, no romance feelings AT ALL." After that, I almost felt judged. In the back of my mind, I'm always self conscious that she thinks I have homosexual feelings.

Hmmmm, strange....yeh I agree about the transference thing...with almost every therapist I've been to there's been some element of transference....even back then....although at 13 I didn't understand what it was at the time....but when I was older and I went to another therapist at 23/24 I had transference BIG TIME!!!

But this therapist wouldn't have known or assumed that would she...and also even if transference was an issue....why ask nosy sex questions to a girl who is almost definately not sexually active yet and probably won't be for a long time.

Yes it sounds inappropriate to me, if it was coming from a psychotherapist.
But possibly it was a (still inappropriate) way for a school counselor, who is not a psychotherapist, to attempt to elicit from a young teen their level of possible sexual activity to determine if there is a need for education about that.

Actually, that seems the most likely explanation....thanks Echoes.

Sounds perfectly creepy to me. It's an outrageous question to ask a young girl who needs to talk about family problems. If that happened to me when I was 13, I'd have been traumatized by the question itself!

I can't imagine any circumstance that would justify that series of questions. If she wanted to determine if you were sexually active, she should have asked outright. Therapists aren't supposed to play games. I think she was taking advantage of the power differential for her own voyeuristic pleasure.