[precious things]

I have a pounding headache and all sorts of self-defeated feelings after my session. Let me start of by saying my Dr. is psychodynamically based...we do not talk "coping skills" nor self-help type things. My therapy is very hands-off (literally and figuratively). I set the pace and the topics. I have tried and failed and tried and failed those other types of therapy and generally, prefer this.

Overall, I like my dr. and when we click and can go deep, well, it gives me a glimpse of connection and hope that there is , in fact, a chance for a broken soul such as me.

I was hostile with him tonight because I felt I couldn't get past my walls and needed his help to break them down. He said he couldn't get me to talk about anything because it would be manipulative, it would have to come from me. What he could provide was a safe space to share my thoughts He keeps telling me that this is a process, and that by coming in and sharing my thoughts, my anxiety and myriad of problems will get better- but it isn;t a quick fix.

I got angry and started asking him to name one area of my life that has marginally improved and that this theraputic relationship isn't real, and it doesnt translate to any other of my real realtionships in life.

I know the ball is totally in my court but I just don't know what to say. Or if it even really matters what I say because the same problems that were there 20 years ago are still going to be there when I leave the office.

I don't know what it is I am holding back and I am getting really tired of staring at the artwork in the office and saying, "this isn't helping".

I don't know what I want in posting this, maybe just trying to figure out how to make the most of going there. Pardon my language, but I have pissed away so many years in a T office that I really want this to be the one that "helps" . I just feel so broken, like everyone is able to take away this mystical help from therapy and I am just failing at it again.

[Mike_J]

I have been seeing my therapist for 7 years, I often sit there and wonder why I’m there, is it just habit, just because I enjoy having someone at least pretend to have concern for my feelings, or is it just me feeding my “addiction” to her. But when I look back over the past months/years I can see the help that she has given me, I have to take a longer view of therapy in order to see the benefit. When you forget about the past few weeks, and look at the past few months do you feel that therapy has been helpful?

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by precious things

Overall, I like my dr. and when we click and can go deep, well, it gives me a glimpse of connection and hope that there is , in fact, a chance for a broken soul such as me.

This statement proves you are not "failing". I don't believe one can "fail" therapy.

Originally Posted by precious things

I just feel so broken, like everyone is able to take away this mystical help from therapy and I am just failing at it again.

I receive no "mystical help" from therapy. I believe our perceptions are our reality and for some people, me included, it takes a long process for us to figure out that we are not broken, we are worthy, of love, belonging, and healing. Once we figure this out (each in our own way), it is easier to do the work. Therapy is a long, arduous process. I wish you luck!!

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by precious things

I have a pounding headache and all sorts of self-defeated feelings after my session. Let me start of by saying my Dr. is psychodynamically based...we do not talk "coping skills" nor self-help type things. My therapy is very hands-off (literally and figuratively). I set the pace and the topics. I have tried and failed and tried and failed those other types of therapy and generally, prefer this.

Overall, I like my dr. and when we click and can go deep, well, it gives me a glimpse of connection and hope that there is , in fact, a chance for a broken soul such as me.

I was hostile with him tonight because I felt I couldn't get past my walls and needed his help to break them down. He said he couldn't get me to talk about anything because it would be manipulative, it would have to come from me. What he could provide was a safe space to share my thoughts He keeps telling me that this is a process, and that by coming in and sharing my thoughts, my anxiety and myriad of problems will get better- but it isn;t a quick fix.

I got angry and started asking him to name one area of my life that has marginally improved and that this theraputic relationship isn't real, and it doesnt translate to any other of my real realtionships in life.

I know the ball is totally in my court but I just don't know what to say. Or if it even really matters what I say because the same problems that were there 20 years ago are still going to be there when I leave the office.

I don't know what it is I am holding back and I am getting really tired of staring at the artwork in the office and saying, "this isn't helping".

I don't know what I want in posting this, maybe just trying to figure out how to make the most of going there. Pardon my language, but I have pissed away so many years in a T office that I really want this to be the one that "helps" . I just feel so broken, like everyone is able to take away this mystical help from therapy and I am just failing at it again.

Be patient. Accept where you are is where you are right now at this time.
Keep going, keep talking about the frustration and disappointment and your wish to be able to say more.

Sometimes we do thing "This isn't helping".

I was like you, many defenses and for a long time. I often left with a splittig headache, or a need to eat, or crying from frustration and disappointment. It is Exhausting holding things in, even if you don't know what you are holding in or how to not hold it in.
My therapist is so patient and it has gotten better. There was no way through it but through it. I still can struggle, but I no longer feel it is awful, or the end of the world (which is how I described it). I sometimes still say that "I can't even do therapy right!", or "I'm a therapy failure" when I'm having a session where I keep shutting down.

When I first started, I barely spoke for 9 months. Mostly I just cried. Then I decided that I was going to talk about something, even if it was about baking christmas cookies! And so I did

Hang in there and keep talking about whatever IS going on internally.

I guess I am in a different camp. A psychodynamic style therapist would be totally, totally unhelpful for me. My first try at therapy was with a psychology student (phd level). He started with a psychodynamic style and I had a total meltdown. He switched to giving me more feedback and telling me what he was thinking, and I improved quickly and dramatically. I see a cognitive behaviorist now (although that is not exclusively what he does) and I again, I have seen dramatic improvements in my moods and ability to relate to others. The style of therapy you are getting simply wouldn't work for me.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by precious things

I got angry and started asking him to name one area of my life that has marginally improved

A fair question! How did he respond?

[precious things]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

When you forget about the past few weeks, and look at the past few months do you feel that therapy has been helpful?

This is hard to say, practically speaking, no, my areas that need improving are still in great need of improvement. It's nice to have someone listen but this has yet to translate to any change. Any positive feelings I have after a session are usually gone by the time I walk back to my car.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Be patient. Accept where you are is where you are right now at this time.
Keep going, keep talking about the frustration and disappointment and your wish to be able to say more.

Sometimes we do thing "This isn't helping".

I was like you, many defenses and for a long time. I often left with a splittig headache, or a need to eat, or crying from frustration and disappointment. It is Exhausting holding things in, even if you don't know what you are holding in or how to not hold it in.
My therapist is so patient and it has gotten better. There was no way through it but through it. I still can struggle, but I no longer feel it is awful, or the end of the world (which is how I described it). I sometimes still say that "I can't even do therapy right!", or "I'm a therapy failure" when I'm having a session where I keep shutting down.

When I first started, I barely spoke for 9 months. Mostly I just cried. Then I decided that I was going to talk about something, even if it was about baking christmas cookies! And so I did

Hang in there and keep talking about whatever IS going on internally.

See, this is what makes me feel like I have to wade through this empty space....to see what could be on the other side. It's just that lately it feels like a path to nowhere but frustration.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

A fair question! How did he respond?

He responded that I have shown incredible courage by going there multiple times a week and being honest and vulnerable with him. That's when I told him it hasn't translated to any areas of my "real life" or even mildly reduced my anxiety. I told him my coming there wasn't indicative of progress and that our "relationship" was a hired professional service that I chose to undertake.

[precious things]

I am thinking about canceling for the rest of the week. I can't take another session where I walk away saying "what a complete waste of time"

[Perna]

Precious, I think I know exactly how you feel. I saw my therapist for 9 years and in year 9 saw a glimmer of success (with me biting, screaming and kicking against it the whole way because I did not like the method :-) but had to terminate because I was moving too far away. It was another 9 years before I had a crisis that drove me to call my therapist again and start again and in this second 9 years (years 18-27 :-) I had wonderful success.

I do not know what your problems are but I would recommend you set up your own "experiment" with working on one of them in a "practical" way? Say you do not have friends. Make up a plan to make more friends and then start it and discuss how you feel and what problems you are having, etc. Learn about yourself (if you do stuff, wimp out of doing stuff, make excuses, etc.) and follow the feelings "back" to where they originate. One only has words and talking in therapy but there has to be "action" too, something to talk about or things just circle endlessly in one's head? I'm sure your T won't let you talk about other people (like at work and how "they" treat you) so make your own action, pick a problem you have and make it practical and then try to solve it that way and the feelings will probably lead you to interesting stuff.

Another thing you might try is if you can practice remembering and working with your dreams; mine helped me enormously both in learning to like myself (I fell jumping over the stepping stones across the water but I did not fall in! WooHoo! :-) and in identifying problems and how to work on them "easier" and navigate through my un/subconscious.

[precious things]

we do a lot of that- tracing the feelings back to the source and can discuss my dreams. It just seems to always go back to ." yup, I've always had anxiety..." tick-tock.....

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by precious things

He responded that I have shown incredible courage by going there multiple times a week and being honest and vulnerable with him. That's when I told him it hasn't translated to any areas of my "real life" or even mildly reduced my anxiety. I told him my coming there wasn't indicative of progress and that our "relationship" was a hired professional service that I chose to undertake.

And what did he say to that?

I'm a great believer in accountability and measurable outcomes - at least for other people!

I have a wife who was able to reassure me, yes, you are making progress. That was immensely helpful when I got discouraged.