[rainbow8]

I was in a good mood yesterday because I treated myself to a massage! Later though, a close friend told me she's taking a trip with her H (they travel a lot) and I got SO angry and jealous. It's a pattern for me to get upset when people travel, I've noticed.

I filled out my T's tracking log and where I was supposed to draw a picture of how I feel, I took red marker and wrote all over the paper, including the back! I really made a mess out of it! I know part of my problem is that I want and don't want to go on the trip my H and I were supposedly planning. I'm scared to plan a trip and to fly, plus other things are coming up and I don't know that I want to go away now.

I am so jealous and angry, though. It's a part of me that's obviously very immature. I'm sure my T will want to be curious about that part, as usual. I've scribbled on papers other times when I'm angry. I suppose I should be glad I am not more destructive. I still feel angry and jealous, though.

I don't know why I'm posting this. How do you get over anger and jealousy?

[Perna]

It doesn't sound like you are actually jealous and angry at this situation but at one "like" it from the past; where someone else got to do something you wanted to and you only got to look on, feeling like it should have been yours.

I would get curious (as you are) about what you wanted but did not get as a child and looking for a truer cause of your upset instead of the trigger cause, will cause a lot of the upset to go away, just like looking at a dream makes it only a dream, a symbol, and not something that feels so true and lifelike now. Looking for the incidents in your past (or could be present, with the trip you were planning with your husband) that might have made you angry and jealous will put your friends' good fortune back in the present and in their own lives.

[WePow]

I agree with Perna. It may be worth the effort to find our what the root of this trigger is for you. It can be a difficult thing to do, but it would be worth the effort IMO.

[sunrise]

As Perna wrote, I think exploring the underlying jealousy in therapy could help, and looking for times in your past this happened. Maybe doing EMDR on it.

Also, do you think part of your anger is because this person is able to do this so easily, but for you, even though you go on a trip, you have trouble with the planning, the flying, etc.? It just isn't easy for you, even when you do get to do a trip. I think some of these things are anxiety, so there's a lot going on here--the jealousy and anger perhaps dating back to childhood incidents, plus the anxiety piece. Anxiety symptoms like these can be treated with very specific approaches in therapy (some Ts specialize in anxiety disorders) and can sometimes be helped with medication. The underlying childhood part is treated just like you are doing--longterm talk therapy using techniques like your T is trying--the EMDR, etc. I think it is also great your T has you filling out the form when you feel things like this. Just the act of writing and drawing can be a very effective coping mechanism to help you get through the intensity of the feelings at that moment. Mindfullness too--I know you are doing that to help you in the moment.

[Sannah]

Yeah, start talking in therapy about this and it will lead to eventual resolution.

[skysblue]

Is it only when other people travel that you feel angry or jealous? Whether yes or no, could it be symbolic of the belief that they're happy and you're not? So, maybe you're jealous of what you think other people possess in the realm of happiness?

The key to life, I believe, is to find the things that nurture us - body, mind and soul. What nurtures another is not necessarily what would nurture us. Is traveling really something that would nurture you and bring you happiness or is it the 'idea' of traveling? We see so many photos from advertising showing those 'happy' people on the beach or in exotic locales. The photos don't show the jet lag, Montezuma's revenge, cancelled flights, bad weather, and on and on.

Still, if traveling appeals to you but you're not able to achieve it for one reason or another, you must find other areas of fulfillment.

Here's a story from a book I refer to regularly "A Daily Dose of Sanity" by Alan Cohen

"One afternoon my friend Andrew took his five year old daughter, Jasmine, to the park for some playtime. At the playground Jasmine found some other children her age. She approached one boy and asked him, "Do you want to play?" He shook his head, and turned away. Immediately the girl moved to another kid and asked him 'Do you want to play?' He smiled and nodded, and the two children went on to have a delightful play session.

"As Andrew recounted the story to me, he observed that Jasmine wasted no time brooding over why the first boy did not want to play. She dropped that interaction immediately and went on to the next opportunity. Adults, Andrew noted, might have stayed with the first person who said no and tried to cajole, manipulate, or bribe him into saying yes. Or picked an argument. Or whined and pouted. Or employed a million other methods by which human beings try to force things that do not go their way.

"But Jasmine was more interested in getting what she wanted than complaining about what she did not get, so she seized the next opportunity and got her way immediately. What a lesson!

"If someone does not want to 'play' with you in business, friendship, or romance, do not spend a lot of time trying to force them or bemoan why they did not go along with you. If they have made their intentions clear, why waste time when you can be cultivating a more satisfying interaction with someone else? Take their 'no' as a signal from the universe that there is a better 'yes' somewhere else.

"Remember too: No response is a response. If you have trouble getting an answer from someone, the person's silence usually means 'no'. Waster no time trying to get a response if you have already made considerable effort. Let it go, and search for the 'yes' that is waiting elsewhere.

"You only have so much time in the park. Wy not play with kids who are available."

For me, it's not only people but opportunities. If an opportunity to go traveling, let's say, is not available, then find another outlet for that desire. Because the desire is one of wanting happiness and there are many ways to find that.

[rainbow8]

This thread is triggering to me so I know it's important. I'm not doing too well today. I'm also thinking of the other tracking log about when I get to that place of dread, pain, fear--what I started my other thread about. I colored that all in black.

Perna: I've always been jealous when others do what I want, or think I want to be doing. There are many situations like that throughout my life. I'm sure my T will want me to go back to the earliest I can remember for EMDR.

WePow: I think you and Perna are right. Thank you.

sunrise: thanks for all your good suggestions. Yes, we'll probably do EMDR about it. My T does specialize in anxiety treatment; that's why we do breathing and meditation, and why she wants me to take yoga and practice mindfulness.

I think it is about the fact that others do easily what I find extremely difficult to do. Anxiety plays a part in it, plus my negative thoughts and obsession with bad things happening when I travel. I did plan some successful trips but I don't know if it's worth it. Everything is so hard for me!! I wish I could just curl up in a ball and stay there, but then there's the part of me who wants excitement and adventure! I can't reconcile the two parts.

sannah: thank you!

skysblue

:Is it only when other people travel that you feel angry or jealous? Whether yes or no, could it be symbolic of the belief that they're happy and you're not? So, maybe you're jealous of what you think other people possess in the realm of happiness?

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head! Yes, I always think others are happier than I am. It's not only when they travel. It could be anything. I may feel good about something I do until I hear what someone else does and I get jealous, especially if it's someone I know. I hate being like this. I'm depressed about it right now.

I liked the story you posted. I'm the kind who would stick with the person who didn't want me, or else run away and sulk by myself.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't know why I'm posting this. How do you get over anger and jealousy?

Gratitude and joy.

[rainbow8]

elliemay: That's easy to say but not so easy to feel when I just want to cry. I also feel like filling pages and pages with red and black crayon or marker. I want to lash out at someone, but I don't know who.

[WePow]

Rainbow, can you go get yourself a canvas and some finger paints in red and black?
Then allow yourself to put it out there! Your emotions are energy and very powerful. They are fuel. That means if they are not expressed as an external explosion of some sort, they implode. And that hurts.
These emotions need to be expressed.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, WePow. I don't know if have energy to buy paints. We have blank canvasses in my house, though. I could ask my T if I could do it in the session instead of EMDR. I don't know what is best. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I need antidepressants after all, but this just came up since I heard about this trip. I feel more depressed than angry right now. It keeps changing. I think I want to express these feelings with my T there next to me.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by skysblue

"You only have so much time in the park. Wy not play with kids who are available."

Yes! And if your partner isn't available for sex, try next door.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

elliemay: That's easy to say but not so easy to feel when I just want to cry. I also feel like filling pages and pages with red and black crayon or marker. I want to lash out at someone, but I don't know who.

I have a strong suspicion that there is so much more going on here than a friend taking a trip

This certainly sounds like fury, the kind of fury that come from feeling cheated/deprived.

I'm sure you have a lot to be grateful and happy about in your life, but, fury/rage can trump those feelings at will.

I hope you can get to the bottom of these feelings and come to see them for what I think they actually are - old stuff bubbling out in a big way.

Of course, sometimes we just get mad. We certainly get to do that without having to understand it. Mad and grumbly is okay.

I would try not to set up shop in mad and grumbly though. It closes the door to a lot of really good stuff.

[unaluna]

This is funny. I was SO warm and enthusiastic about a friend of mine's good fortune in having bought a posh summer home that it contributed to ending our relationship. I thought I was genuinely happy for her, going, oh great, sounds wonderful, etc etc. She stops and says, "Well, don't expect an invitation." I didn't think I was hinting for one. She and her partner had parties all the time at their home a few miles away and never invited me, I didn't expect to be asked across the state.