[dolphingirl]

Do you ever have "long" silences? They seem to happen often when we meet and they're annoying because I don't know if I am supposed to say something or if she is going to. Sometimes they are along the lines of "maybe sometimes x happens" or "could it be that maybe xyz" right before the silence. I just don't know what to say besides yeah, maybe, or okay. Does anyone else have these? Why are they there and what should I do with them?

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by dolphingirl

Do you ever have "long" silences? They seem to happen often when we meet and they're annoying because I don't know if I am supposed to say something or if she is going to. Sometimes they are along the lines of "maybe sometimes x happens" or "could it be that maybe xyz" right before the silence. I just don't know what to say besides yeah, maybe, or okay. Does anyone else have these? Why are they there and what should I do with them?

We have long silences, I can hear the clock ticking down to another wasted fee. I guess what you need to work out is if you are comfortable with these silences or do you want to fill them? It could be your T doesn't want to interrupt your thought process or is waiting for you to say something. Could you discuss these silences with your T?

[ECHOES]

Silences are something you can talk about

Silences are for you. The therapist is there to talk about what you want to talk about and the silence is time and room for you to let your thoughts come to you. The therapist is also silent as a way of staying out of your way and not distracting you.
Sometimes I say I don't know what to talk about, and viola-something comes to mind.

If you are in a time of silence and it bugs you, that's something to talk about.

This technique is used purposefully to give you time and space to think about the question and provide an open ended answer, to provide detail, thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc.

"Maybe X happens...?"

Yeah... (Silence) It happens when . . . and then I feel . . . and I want to . . .

Just stating "Yeah" doesn't give much to process. They're waiting for you to fill the silence with what's going on, why did you answer yeah, what does yeah mean, how is it impacting you, etc.

I hate the long silences when I don't know WHY they are there. Sometimes, as other posters have said, I know that he's giving me room to think. He has made a comment and wants to give me time to consider. In those cases, I just have to say, "that makes sense" or "I'll think about that later this week." It's when I'm not sure why there's there huge silence that I get angry.

And it took a while to realize I was ANGRY and not just UNCOMFORTABLE. I think part of my anger may be due to my profession and how I use silence in my profession. As an attorney, I use silence to make opposing parties, or witnesses uncomfortable on purpose. When people become uncomfortable with silence, they tend to want to fill the silence, and start talking without thinking -- babbling. The more they talk, the more I get information that I can use against them, or to further my case. So, when my T sits there in silence for no good fricking reason, I feel like he is making me uncomfortable on purpose and seeking something he can use against him.

I've worked really hard at overcoming my trust issues, and I know that no one else (Guarddog) has trust issues, hahahaha, but this is a big one for me.

[critterlady]

My previous T was very comfortable letting us sit in silence for what I perceived as long periods. I started out hating the silence and complained about how awkward it felt to me on more than one occasion. I used to feel like there was pressure to come up with something profound at the end of it.

Once I learned that there really was no pressure except what I was putting on myself, I came to really appreciate the time to reflect or just let my mind wander. My T was aware of changes in my facial expressions or body positions and when they changed, he would gently inquire as to where I'd been or comment on what looked like might have been a happy thought.

My current T doesn't seem quite as comfortable with silence. He tends to "rescue" me after a minute or so by making a gently comment on what we'd been talking about or asking me a question. One of these days, I'll get around to telling him he doesn't need to do that, but for right now, it feels nurturing and I'll take it.

[lostmyway21]

I don't like silence that much. One session I was silent the entire session and T let me be silent. I thought for sure it was a wasted session but he insisted it wasn't. Then a few sessions ago when we were working on hard stuff I shutdown and was silent, he only gave it only 2-3 minutes before he tried to "rescue" me with addional questions. Sometimes I like it and sometimes I despise it. It's sometimes funny to watch him during the silence because it's obvious his mind wanders.

[skysblue]

My T gives me space to think and will be quiet when she observes that I'm in deep thought or feelings. BUT, she won't let it go on indefinitely. She knows when it's time to pull me back to discussion. I don't understand T's who will let a session go by completely in silence. Isn't the T's job to help people express themselves? If left in a silent void and if a person has a hard time speaking, does that really help? I don't know - it just seems cruel to me. That said, I still appreciate the silences that are available to me in session - but they occur when I really really need that time to internally process.

[BlessedRhiannon]

My T is a big fan of silences, and I really appreciate it. It gives me the opportunity to just feel my emotions rather than having to fill the silence with chatter. I love to just sit in silence, but with my family, it's not really something I was ever allowed to do. At first, it felt like a waste of money with T, but then I realized that sometimes the silences are when I do the most work.

[googley]

My T uses silences also. When I come in to session she hardly ever talks first (though once in a while she will if I'm taking a long time to start, or if I look really upset or something.). Silences are a chance to give you time to think and respond. Giving silences often gets people to expand on their previous comments or on the question in a way that if the other person started talking the responding person would not elaborate on. If it makes you uncomfortable, that is another thing to talk about with your T. My T does it to make sure that we talk about what I think is important instead of what she thinks is important. Though sometimes I do tell her I can't decide on a topic and want her to pick something instead. (But one time when I said this she pointed out that I had just started the conversation- so even that time she got me to say something.)

[WikidPissah]

thankfully my T uses pauses instead of silences. He never lets it go more that a minute without rescuing me. I would never be able to pull out of a silence on my own because silence is an escape for me.

Silence is ok with me. Long ones are good for thinking.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

thankfully my T uses pauses instead of silences. He never lets it go more that a minute without rescuing me. I would never be able to pull out of a silence on my own because silence is an escape for me.

same here i have had all to many silent sessions.i have no problem with the silence

[dolphingirl]

Thanks. They are probably there for me to think about what was just said, to process it, and reply. Sometimes when I try to think about it, there really isn't anything that comes to mind. It's just blank, so I reply with yeah or okay, just to say something to fill the silence so we can move on. For me it is a little annoying, but I am trying to understand it more.

[Smurf&Turf]

They could ask instead of assuming.
I can't think in the dead silence.
My mind only mirrors the atmosphere.

[stopdog]

I have this on my list for potential therapists. I directly ask what they do if the client doesnot know what to say and if they say they will do nothing, I leave and find another.

[GoodPoint]

Silences make me anxious, but mostly because I'm frustrated with myself for letting time go by. Unfortunately I'm the kind of person who often needs a lot of time to "prepare" responses or speeches in my head (I should work on being more spontaneous, but that scares me). I feel like I waste too much time doing this. I need sessions to be like 3 hours long, lol.

[Chopin99]

I don't like silences and I haven't had this issue with any of the 3 T's I've had. If I have gone silent, all 3 T's have filled the space asking questions. Current T runs off at the mouth on the regular...it's usually relevant, but she likes to talk!

If we ever went completely silent, I would try to fill the space myself!

[beautiful.mess]

Am I the only person freaked out with silences? I mean, it makes me really, REALLY uncomfortable. I don't like sitting there, with T staring at me, and me staring at him (or looking around the room) saying nothing. If I feel a silence coming on, I'll say anything, ANYTHING to avoid it. I'll talk about my g*****n cat if I have to....

I'm not sure why I feel this way. T knows about it, but we haven't "gone there"/talked about it yet.

[pbutton]

The last time I had a really long silence it was after T asked me what I was avoiding. I WANTED to answer the question, I just couldn't spit out the response. I sat and stared at the floor, trying to answer. Then I gave up on trying to answer and sat there staring at the floor and listening to the silence. He finally asked me if I was thinking. I said no.

[sconnie892]

I am fairly sure t uses the silences to let me think. It takes me awhile to process my thoughts and emotions and I am not one to just blurt things out.

Sometimes if I am in a really bad place though, I will use the silences as opportunities to get angry in my head and shutdown completely. I know I am doing it, but I can't help myself. Ugh.

[sunrise]

In the counseling class I took this last term at school, we had to practice allowing silences with our clients. We were to use them as deliberate responses to what the client said. So the pattern goes

Client: I went to the store today.
T: (silence)
Client: I went because I was all out of eggs and sugar and needed them for the cookies I wanted to bake.

We weren't doing it "right" if the silence followed something we said. It had to be our response to what the client said.

When I watch my taped sessions from the end of the term, it is amazing how much more silence there is than in the early sessions. I became much more comfortable with allowing silence. I let the client think and process and gave her space to say more. I didn't rush to fill gaps with my own commentary or to direct the conversation.

In my own therapy, we have silences sometimes and I am OK with them. I don't feel pressured by my T to fill them. They're there for me to use if I want. If I don't want to have a silence, all I have to do is speak. When the T allows silence, it gives the power to the client. Client can choose to sit there in the silence or can say something.

I've been thinking about this and I am still of the opinion that silence can just last too long. A little silence is okay, but very long and I just start getting angry and shutting down and pulling back.

I've tried telling my T that I hate the silences, and I've seen him make a little more effort to break the silence up with something like, "when you're ready, I'd like you tell me more about X." Because then I know what he's wanting from me and I can respond with what I'm thinking about X, or just say I'm not willing to discuss X yet. H still seems to fall into the habit of not telling me what the silence is about though.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by sunrise

We weren't doing it "right" if the silence followed something we said. .

what if the silence did follow something you (the T, in practice) said? What are you taught that had you done "wrong"? what were you supposed to do differently to prevent a silence after you say something?

it's curious to me, as if an intervention or interpretation by the T is supposed to be followed by instantaneous buy-in or comment from Client, or else the T did something wrong

[critterlady]

I was just noticing this morning that about half the silences in my session were after something T said. I just needed a minute to process what he'd said. And then I'd think about this thread.