Bad Behavior from Therapist?!

Hi all,

I have been seeing a therapist for several months now. About every 2-3 sessions, I am simply shocked and appalled by her behavior.

For example, a few months ago, I found out one of my closest friends has terminal cancer. I obviously wanted to talk about this in therapy. She said, "unfortunately bad things happen. Why aren't we talking about your job?"

My job? I think it is more than understandable that I would want to talk about a dear friend dying! I was stymied! I could not believe she treated me with such an uncaring, cold attitude. I could not believe I was basically chastised for wanting to talk about a friend who is sick!

Then today when I first sat down, I wanted to catch my breath before we started the session. I said something about the weather, and she quickly informed me that "we aren't going to talk about things like the weather." What?! I can't remember the last time I saw a doctor, dentist, etc. - and the appointment did not start off with normal human graciousness and warmth. I tried to explain to her that it's really hard for me just to sit down and begin. I need to "warm up" a bit in therapy. She then said bascially that that is not how she operates. Wow. Isn't it her job to listen to what my needs are in therapy?

I then tried to talk about a very, very important issue at work, that could potentially have serious repurcussions for my career in the future. She again said "why are you taking up time talking about this? You could talk about this with a friend. Instead we should be talking about things directly related to your personality." It's my dime! My session! I feel if I think it's important enough to talk about, then maybe, just maybe she should listen! Since when does she get to control what I feel are my topics that need to be addressed?

She then almost punished me by saying that "None of my other patients talk about matters like this," as if to say, "your concerns are completely useless to me."

Also, in one instant I was crossing the room to get a piece of paper from her that she had written on for me. Right before I got to her seat, she dropped it on the floor in front of me. Again...I was shocked at this bad, unbelievable behavior.

I know two LCSWs personally, and they both said to run far away from this woman.

What a rude, intolerant "therapist," totally devoid of any warmth or compassion or caring. It should not surprise me, but in about 4 sessions, she has not once asked how my sick friend is doing. I feel she is lacking even the most basic of human kindnesses. It seems if I don't have interesting things that SHE wants to talk about, my issues are worthless to her. I don't know how much more damaging that can be to a patient.

Does anyone else think this borders on semi-abusive behavior? I really have had enough, and have tried to deal with her behavior, but I'm sick and tired of fighting to speak my mind - in therapy! I should not have to constantly "justify" what matters and topics I want to discuss!! Sometimes she's fine, but other times I am on the receiving end of this BS.

I am seriously thinking about emailing her a similar letter to the words I just wrote, and terminating my "relationship" with her.

Do you all also think she's...totally horrid? Do you think an email is a good idea, to just tell her what I think, and to terminate therapy? Or do I do so in person? I think an email would be a more realistic way for me to express my feelings.

Thank you!

MissRachel

Wow...yeah...terminate and don't look back. The paper-dropping thing is so strange, so hostile. I wouldn't bother explaining or emailing--just start interviewing new T's. Yikes! So scary that a professional therapist like this is practicing.

Yeah... I think it's time to fire this one.

No doubt in my mind - this is not the right therapist for you. I'm trying to figure out who she would be right for.

Terminate and find another. There really are good ones out there.

I agree. Start interviewing new Ts and terminate with this one. Chalk this up as a learning experience - she's taught you a few things you don't want in a therapist and helped you discover what you do want from a therapist.

I don't even think she deserves an email. Run.

Wow, run for the hills and don't look back. There will be a T for you out there.

It doesn't matter if she is horrible or not. The important thing is that her manner is not helpful for you. She could be sweet as pie, but if you didn't like it, it would be time to leave. Listen to yourself and what you need.

Best,
EJ

Yikes. Run away as fast as you can.

OR - you confront her. At this point, I'm curious. Does she have a disease like MS that caused her to drop the paper, but we are seeing it as hostility? She certainly has a "life is short" attitude, that is not necessarily a bad thing. But the cyclical nature of her extreme crabbiness makes me think PMDD - I used to have a happy face / sad face indicator like you put on the dishwasher to show if the dishes are clean or dirty, only I drew mine on a paper plate, and the guys I worked with used to flip it over as appropriate, then run! (if flipping to sad side - except that always made me laugh)

It sounds like your style and hers truly do not match and her "kindness" in explaining how she does things, lacking (just a bit, you think? :-) I would change to another therapist.

The real question here, I believe, is how do you typically react to this behavior from her....and what does that tell you about YOU....and then work towards figuring out how to address her in a way that's a beneficial learning experience for you - and even her.

power trip..chest pounding..pee on the wall kind of thing. just to remind you she is the large alpha dog in the room.

hey if all the other patients jumped off the bridge nekkid then would you? (should you?)

personally i would call her on it..ask her why she is such a butthole? why does she feel the need to be do overpowering? get her answer.

& then say: see ya. your other patients may like being treated like crap but i have a mind & free will & i am exercising it right now. you are a t with power issues that border on abusive & frankly i don't want or need that. i find you dangerous. if i were a t i & you were seeking my counsel, it would be seek professional help.

& then leave & never look back.

I honestly might consider reporting her.

Thinking of the potential damage she could be causing to other people's emotional states is heartbreaking.

She sounds like she should be taken out back and shot.

I would consider reporting her as well. She needs help. I wouldn't waste any energy on inquiring why she's a B***h. Spend it finding a good T. With the new T you can process the previous T "relationship". Hopefully there you will see that this doesn't border on "semi-abusive", it is abusive. Ask your friends for some references. They obviously knew this one wouldn't work, maybe they have an idea on ones that might. Run, don't walk away. Good luck!

I do not think I would bother trying to talk to this one about it. I would just go find another one who was less rigid. She does not sound like she is helping you. Are you torn for some reason and are having a hard time leaving her?

I agree it seems like a bad fit....its your money , i dont care if you want to talk about paint drying, if its an issue for you , its an issue....Run for the hills and dont look back. I agree email if you must, but tell her to get bent!

I would hope that if she had MS, she would explain this instead of leaving you feeling like she is power tripping. I think most T's would say that much. Or even "could you get that paper? Thank you." if they didn't want to reveal too much. The whole thing is spooky to me--I'd cut and run.

Let me be a lesson for you.

If you have qualms about the "fit" it makes sense to move on, rather than squandering additional time and money.

When you get the right one, you will wonder what took you so long to move on.

I would never ever go back to her. I would report her because thats very unethical of a t. You will find better t's out there.

Your T dropped the paper down on purpose? Based on what you said here. I would find a new T. Your issues are your issues and they are important! Sounds like this T is not a good fit.

yow! she sounds rude, discourteous, insensitive, unprofessional, inconsistent! I'd not go back either ....... not only does she not sound like a good fit for you, I can't see how that sort of behavior is going to be helpful for any client, and she doesn't even sound like a good T, assuming she is like that with others, too.
maybe she isn't always like that, I hope!, but just has some sort of negative counter-transference toward you that is behind her attitude/actions/words. in that case, too, you definitely need a therapist who can deal with her own stuff better and one who can be more helpful/understanding of your needs.

This woman is clearly an imposter. I bet the real therapist is tied up in the back room.

I'm so sorry. Yes she is awful, and doesn't sound like what you are looking for. She must have skipped the subtlety, non-directiveness, and kindness courses, and doubled up on the badgering, demeaning, and dismissing courses.

Whew! She's something else.

Great questions...so many good replies here. I typically will call her on it gently. That usually does no good...but once home, I seethe with anger at her. I do in a way want to ask her if she should not point her appreciation for self-introspection at herself....but I think at her age (she's probably in her mid-60s), she unfortunately may think herself beyond reproach? I often wonder what other psychologists would say if they could also witness this bad behavior? It seems odd to me that it's cyclical too. I wonder if she has any issues? Her memory isn't that great at times, I wonder if she simply doesn't feel good, etc? But no excuse to be so crabby and devoid of warmth. To not even be able to greet her with some idle talk while I settle in seems plain ridiculous to me. I have challenged things she has said before, but we get nowhere, it seems.