[Snuffleupagus]

This subject came up in the talking about sex in therapy thread. It seemed different enough to me to merit it's own thread. I'd written:

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

I don't mean to split semantic hairs here. Maybe there really might be a substantive difference between what you were talking with your T about and talking about sex. You might use similar vocabulary but the matter of what you were talking about sounds like abuse and power games where sex was the medium.

I think there's a real difference between those kinds of conversations and ones where you're talking about your sexual self and desires and needs. Those are the kinds of conversations I think of as having sex per se as the subject. Certainly abuse can affect that self and those desires and needs.

Maybe I'm just pointing out in a long winded way that there's a huge difference in therapeutic conversations about wanted vs. unwanted sexual experiences. Maybe some people would feel more comfortable (or less uncomfortable) with one rather than the other. It would be interesting to think about the reasons behind the differing comfort levels, e.g. believing one merits therapist attention and the other does not etc.

Just an idea.

So the question I'd pose is which type of conversation intimidates you more, if at all, and why do you think that might be?

[growlycat]

Both are equally hard, because the "unwanted" has tainted my "wanted".

[stopdog]

I don't have trouble talking about sex that was not unwanted. Or perhaps the way I talk about it is not that big of a deal. I mean it is not super explicit usually in terms of talking about it with a therapist but I don't know why I would so perhaps for the reasons I see a therapist it just does not come up.

possible trigger****

The most explicit has been over the csa and I don't recall it being all that difficult to describe. But I kind of think I did not object to it, so maybe it is not unwilling and I might have a harder time if there was unwilling sex to describe to t.

[larakeziah]

I had a fantastic T she was brilliant. I could talk to her about anything, we talked about my difficulty with sex in a relationship and how I wish I could be more itamate but when it came to talking about csa I found it so difficult I just couldn't get the words out. I had to write it down in the form of a letter to myself so dhe could read. It was because I felt so ashamed that I couldn't talk about it. Fortunately she understand and helped me to believe that it wasn't my fault and I guess now I could talk about it without difficulty. She was amazing!

So in my case the unwanted sex was harder to describe due to feelings of shame and blaming myself

[Snuffleupagus]

That's amazing that she could bring you from that place of silence and shame to one of openness.

[healed84]

I would say that for sure unwanted is harder.. I am not sure how to even start that conversation with my T. I suppose if the issue of my intimate relationship with my husband came up, it would be eaiser to say it sucks right now.. b/c really it relates to my anxiety and depression and it can be talked about in that context.

T has no clue about the specific situation of abuse in my life.. As a matter of fact I flat out lied about it on intial appointment if there was any incidents of sexual abuse in my past.. So, for some reason this seems even harder to bring up.

[pbutton]

I think my T is very easy to talk to & I know I can tell him anything and I will be safe. That said, I can talk about my voluntary sex life no problem. Get into anything involuntary and I lose my ability to form words. I'm not exaggerating at all. I think part of it is that I had experiences that I didn't understand at the time & my mind is still confused as an adult.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I think my T is very easy to talk to & I know I can tell him anything and I will be safe. That said, I can talk about my voluntary sex life no problem. Get into anything involuntary and I lose my ability to form words. I'm not exaggerating at all. I think part of it is that I had experiences that I didn't understand at the time & my mind is still confused as an adult.

I have a similar situation. I trust my T with my life and I know he'll keep me safe, no matter what I say to him. But if I try to talk about the details of my CSA, I open and close my mouth like a fish and no words come out. Even knowing intellectually that I was not responsible and nothing I did caused it nor could I have prevented it, there's still so much shame associated with it that I can't physically form the words.

I've written about it a few times and I read it to myself, but I can't read it out loud. My T thinks it would be best if I can get to the point of sharing the details with him verbally, so has not read what I've written.

[JustWannaDisappear]

Originally Posted by healed84

I would say that for sure unwanted is harder.. I am not sure how to even start that conversation with my T. I suppose if the issue of my intimate relationship with my husband came up, it would be eaiser to say it sucks right now.. b/c really it relates to my anxiety and depression and it can be talked about in that context.

T has no clue about the specific situation of abuse in my life.. As a matter of fact I flat out lied about it on intial appointment if there was any incidents of sexual abuse in my past.. So, for some reason this seems even harder to bring up.

I can't talk about either one but I lied too. I refuse to write it down on paper. She asked a couple times during the first few sessions and I said yes and that when I told I was called a liar. I told her after that I absolutely refuse to discuss it with anyone. She's okay with that and said to let her know when I am ready.