[zooropa]

I want so badly to say this to my ex-T, I"m posting it here instead:

I have value. I have worth. I am not disposable. You were wrong to throw me away, to give up on me. I hope some day I can forgive you. I hope some day you can forgive yourself.

[zooropa]

PS I really do want to say that to her. I could text her. Part of me sort of relishes the idea that getting such a text from me might ruin her weekend in some small way. Only...I don't want to be that person. I don't want to hurt someone just to make myself feel better, even if I think they deserve to feel a portion of the hurt they have caused me.

And in the end, hurting her isn't going to make me hurt less. I have to rise above it. I'm only posting here because I needed to get it out. These moments are more widely spaced now than they were a month or two months or three months ago. I have to believe they will continue to taper off until whole days can go by without me thinking about ex-T. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be able to keep on living.

((((((((Zoo)))))))) You are right! You do have worth and value. Good for you to see that. I'm glad you dropped in.

[unaluna]

that would be the essence of my transference. Why did my family only see what I wasn't, not what I am?

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by hankster

that would be the essence of my transference. Why did my family only see what I wasn't, not what I am?

there's a ton of transference in this for me, too, despite ex-T's assertion that transference "doesn't exist in DBT." There are so many similarities between her and my mother, the biggest being their having abandoned me. They have similar ways of talking, the same coldness when feeling vulnerable or threatened, heck, they're both alcoholics even. It would have been great to have worked through some of that stuff with ex-T, but maybe it was too hard, maybe she was TOO much like my mother. I just try to remember all the ways she wasn't like my mother, too.

Originally Posted by zooropa

PS I really do want to say that to her. I could text her. Part of me sort of relishes the idea that getting such a text from me might ruin her weekend in some small way. Only...I don't want to be that person. I don't want to hurt someone just to make myself feel better, even if I think they deserve to feel a portion of the hurt they have caused me.

And in the end, hurting her isn't going to make me hurt less. I have to rise above it. I'm only posting here because I needed to get it out. These moments are more widely spaced now than they were a month or two months or three months ago. I have to believe they will continue to taper off until whole days can go by without me thinking about ex-T. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be able to keep on living.

I seriously think I am fixin to write a snail mail letter certified to my xT no response necessary. Just to be finished with all this. please know you are not alone. A text message isn't long enough if you want to just get it all out there, and xT could block you.

As for value... You are a child of God or whatever you call her .... And that is enough value to build on.
There is that saying about... And I'm paraphrasing i think...o hell I'll look it up...

* * *
“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.” Heather Cortez

And I don't care if it's the postman, a house cat or a house plant , something or one relies on you and you start there.

Life is connected by dominoes of incidents and interactions, the rocking of the boat or stepping out of ones comforts zone... Or the dusting off after a tragedy .... I am learning are all a part of this crazy game of life.
You are part of that game. Start small and the dominoes will fall into place.
You will be stronger for this and the strong survive.

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( zoo )))))

I've missed you!!!

I can sooo understand you wanting to text T....and I hope that getting it out here helps you. I've had a similar struggle with a friend...and although things ended with me saying what needed to be said, there are still times when feelings emerge....and I share them with T or another friend...and it does help. Going back to re-engaging with my former friend would not be healthy for me...and I am sure you can relate to that, even though - at times - the urge is strong.

You ARE valuable. ((( HUGS )))

[critterlady]

"that transference 'doesn't exist in DBT.'"

That's such a crock! Transference has the potential to exist in every human relationship.

I'm sorry your T treated you badly, Zoo. You do have value and you do have worth.

[WePow]

(((((((((Zoo)))))))))) I am so sorry you are still hurting.

[ECHOES]

You have every right to feel angry and defensive, zoo. And, you are absolutely right that you are worthy and valuable.

[SpiritRunner]

Of course you have value. I'm very sorry T didn't treat you like you do and her words and behavior left you with such wounds.
I suspect she knows both things....that you do have value and that she left wounds in what she did.
You are doing well in your grieving process, I think, if the moments are becoming more widely spaced in which you feel the hurt more deeply. It really does taper off......I think of my exT1 less now and the moments in which I feel hurt or angry are fewer and the emotion more muted, less intense.
I did write my 1st T a letter.....I tried not to sound too mad, too scolding, too abrupt/direct.....but the other day, something struck me and I thought, oh I wish I hadn't sounded so preachy, so scolding, so critical in some parts of it. I felt like I hadn't been fair to her....and I also had the feeling that I had forgiven her for the mistakes she made, because I do believe she was sorry for them and that the whole termination thing and the way it happened was hard for her too.....anyway, I'm glad I also told her in the letter that I was thankful for the good she had done for me and would try to remember the positive from our time, as I hoped she would too.
So, I think there can come a time, a feeling of forgiveness for you too....forgiveness for yourself, forgiveness for her, both. But the anger, the hurt, the grief are important to feel and work through.....and forgiveness can follow.....

[zooropa]

writing this here helped me, a lot. After I posted it I went and worked in art journal and wrote about some of what I was feeling, and I think just getting it out helped. I spent the rest of the day not thinking about ex-T, which is always nice. I love those moments when I think of her and then immediately think "hey, that's the first time today that I've thought about ex-t!"

If I knew a year ago that things would end with her the way they did and that I would still be standing on the other side of it I would never have believed either thing. I trusted that she would not abandon me, and I did not trust that I could survive it if she did.

[WikidPissah]

zoo....it's good to hear from you. I am glad you are getting better, but really sorry you're still going thru it. Has new T been able to help you with your grieving process?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by zooropa

If I knew a year ago that things would end with her the way they did and that I would still be standing on the other side of it I would never have believed either thing. I trusted that she would not abandon me, and I did not trust that I could survive it if she did.

this, yes! ^^^ so true for me, too!
but you know what I learned, what you learned? we learned that we ARE strong, strong enough to survive. when I wonder sometimes if all the pain/intensity was worth it, if the attachment to T1 was worth it, even if *she* was worth it, I've decided that yes, it was worth it because I learned that very valuable lesson......that one of my very deepest fears, of truly trusting someone with all the deepest parts of my heart, being vulnerable and feeling like it was safe to be, and then being rejected/abandoned, had happened, but it didn't destroy me - it's like that fear has lost so much of its power over me now; I have the power over it. It broke me down (it was only part of what was broken down, which was really every last dam# thing in my life/mind/self), yes, but I'm building up a stronger/better/wiser self. And so can you!

[googley]

((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))

So good to see you. I wish you were feeling better. I'm glad you are feeling better than you were. I'm glad you were able to write things here instead of reengaging with xT. She doesn't deserve your time or energy.

You DO Matter! You Do have Value!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by zooropa

ex-T's assertion that transference "doesn't exist in DBT."

Transference gets everywhere.

[PreacherHeckler]

Originally Posted by zooropa

there's a ton of transference in this for me, too, despite ex-T's assertion that transference "doesn't exist in DBT."

If she had faced the fact that transference exists in DBT, she would have been forced to acknowledge that countertransference also exists in DBT. By denying the existence of transference, she could effectively let herself off the hook for her inability to recognize and manage her own harmful countertransference reactions.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

If she had faced the fact that transference exists in DBT,

Is it okay if I give the ex-T an F in Reading Comprehension and Retention? Cos she obviously didn't understand the distinction between the existence of transference and DBT not ADDRESSING transference while standing knee-deep in a steaming pile of it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

Is it okay if I give the ex-T an F in Reading Comprehension and Retention? Cos she obviously didn't understand the distinction between the existence of transference and DBT not ADDRESSING transference while standing knee-deep in a steaming pile of it.

Bravo! .