[Snuffleupagus]

Trigger for mention of death






I don't see T until Friday which seems so far away right now. I just found out about a guy in his early 30s in my AA group that ended up drinking himself to death. He was gay, and I know he had big internalized homophobia issues that he just wouldn't look at. I feel so sad about this. It feels like watching what would have happened to me if I had been a little less lucky. I always thought something would click for him eventually, but I guess you don't get unlimited chances. What a waste.

[skysblue]

So sorry for your loss. Yeah, life is like that, isn't it? You never know... When do you see T?

[healed84]

Sorry to hear about the loss.. Is there anyway you can contact T before your next session. Maybe get a sooner appointment if needed? Hang in there!

I don't know how to say it without it sounding empty and perfunctory, but I really am sorry for your loss. The "closet" is a place in which no one should have to be. A death is tragic in itself, but I imagine it's even more distressing the more of a potential part of yourself you see in the person.

Those week-or-so-long waits in between sessions can be so excruciating.

By no means a new idea, but I journal letters to my T when I really miss her or feel like I need to see her. I never intend to give her the letters. Is there anything you do?

[Wren_]

i'm sorry about this mans death and the way it is impacting you also can you email or phone your T for some extra support at this time?

[Snuffleupagus]

Thanks for the suggestions. I definitely need to journal about it. I might share that with T. She hasn't said anything to me about it, but I don't want to wear out my email welcome if you know what I mean, and I emailed her quite a bit the last two weeks.

I did go to a gay AA meeting tonight and shared about it which helped quite a bit. I'm still sad, but it helped to get support there from folks who've been in the same situation before. The more resources the better, right? It takes a village to raise an adult.

[unaluna]

It takes The Village People...?

Snuff, I hope you are feeling better this morning. My T says that in really stressful times, there is nothing unusual in someone calling him four times a week. This certainly counts as stressful, and I'm betting your T would be okay with you reaching out.

I am so, so sorry this has happened. Its so sad. I hope you get to see your T really quickly, that this week goes by fast. I hope you're feelinga bit better today.

[stopdog]

I hope things are going as well for you as possible. Sometimes waiting for the therapist appointment is very hard.

[Snuffleupagus]

You know, dammit, I emailed my T last night about this and did not get a response today. I know she read it and I know she was in the office today. So, I am simultaneously talking myself down and trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and also engaging in a lot of unhealthy self-recrimination about how stupid I am to trust her and to try to reach out for help. It is very busy up here.

[stopdog]

I am not sorry she did not respond to you. Reaching out was not stupid.

[Snuffleupagus]

So yesterday afternoon I wrote:

Were you in today? I ask because we'd had an agreed on response time to email to try to reduce my vulnerability anxiety which is pretty high right now.

I had still gotten nothing back by this morning, so mid morning I wrote with a subject line of "Inconsistency":

I do not understand this lack of any response from you. I expressed hesitancy about emailing. You told me it was fine to communicate that way between sessions and established a 12 hour response time with me, so we could minimize my anxiety about being left hanging after I expose myself. I got some really painful news and decided to reach out to you for support because you had been seeming consistent enough to trust, and yet still no response even after reminding you of our agreement. I think what really hurts was that I know you read my msg last night reminding you of our agreement and yet nothing. These are shifting sands. What gives?

Still nothing. I hate that this is eating at me. I feel like cancelling my Friday appt.

Snuffle