[InTherapy]

I got hit with this yesterday.

I spent all last night crying. Right now I just feel mostly numb, which is such a relief from before. But I know the pain is hiding and will be back.

The Terms: (And I'm doing this from memory. That's how many times I've read it.)

T will abide by these rules:
-Provide 1 weekly 50 minute psychotherapy session
-To not respond to any form of correspondence, including phone calls, text messages, or emails.
-To call 911 and provide contact information if there is a serious concern over my safety

I will abide by these rules:
-To attend DBT skills group weekly
-To consult with a psychiatrist to assess the possibility of medication
-If I feel like harming myself, I must do the following things:
*Deep breathing exercise
*Muscle relaxation
*Use ice or red marker to draw on myself
*call a friend or family member
*call one of two hotlines, 911, or go to the ER.

He is a student, his adviser is making him do this. It is especially hurtful because I've been asking him, is it okay that I'm calling you? Is this okay? He kept reassuring me that it was okay. I should not have trusted him. I knew that it was too good to last. Now I am reaping the pain I have sowed for taking something that was not mine for the taking. I should have followed my gut.

I am hurting so bad right now. I hate ultimatums. This is the kind of thing you do when you think your client is stagnating or not trying. Neither of those are true for me. I have been trying so hard.

If I had enough emotional control that I DON'T need to talk to my therapist and I DON'T have to cut... then I DON'T NEED A THERAPIST!

Additionally, I already tried a CBT group on his recommendation. I am not against CBT. But, it ended very badly. I need some time to recuperate from that terrible experience. Now I cannot have the time I need. He says that there is a waiting list of 6 weeks, but it's not the same.

He has taken all my control from me, and he knows that I HATE feeling powerless. It is taking everything in me not to lash out at him. I want to hurt him. I want to cut horribly and I want him to know it's because of what he did to me.

I feel like he has abandoned me in everything but presence. And I feel like that is coming soon. This feels manipulative and cruel. I feel like he wants to terminate with me, but doesn't want to feel guilty over it. So he is making it so painful for me that I will quit him. I wish he would just terminate with me if that was the case. If he forces me to do it, then it's just something else I've failed at.

And I don't want to take meds.

I feel abandoned, betrayed, and manipulated. This feels like punishment. This feels cruel. I don't understand. I am hurting so badly.

Do try to remember that he is doing what his advisor said he must do. The actual conditions of the contract don't sound too off the wall except the no contact rule. That seems to be the biggest issue for you? So sorry this has thrown you for a loop.

[stopdog]

I have refused to sign such nonsense myself. I saw one once who tried this and walked away. You do have power. You can choose not to sign and to find someone else. He sounds far too inexperienced for you. I know it is not easy or fun to find another. But you get to choose whether to play the game with them or not.

[InTherapy]

I hate every single part of it. I'm hurting so much that I cant explain why each part is a betrayal. But they all are. I am feeling distanced. apart. I am watching someone else's life.

[tooski]

"He is a student and his advisor is making him do this."

THIS IS IMPORTANT - REMEMBER IT!! You weren't wrong to trust him, he has not abandoned you. This is not his choice. He is not taking power from you but is setting boundaries that are very clear. You have the choice to stay with these rules, or terminate. You are not powerless.

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much over this. Your emotions are overruling your logical thinking, and I hope they pass soon so you can think this over rationally. Take care of yourself

[krisakira]

sooo.... if you harmed yourself, that would breach the contract, and terminate the treatment? I thought that is when you need therapy the most... yeah I'd get a new T

[mcl6136]

Well, of course I usually spring to the "side" of the poster cause I am so adversarial by nature. The term Jerkasaurus rex, used by someone else on another thread, does come to mind.

However, as a long-term lurker and chimer-in, I must say...I see this very very often. A therapist allows lots of contact, the client uses this contact for support, and then the therapist pulls back. the rules change, which causes no end of distress....pain.....a feeling of betrayal.

I can only imagine the pain you must feel at this point. Please keep posting here, because I know it does help me to get the input and caring of those who spend their virtual lives here!

I do want to say though, that I don't think this means that your T thinks you have stagnated or are not trying. This is not a referendum on that, I don't think...is it? Also, I don't think this means that your T has abandoned you ...does it? You believe that is coming, but unless you have a crystal ball (okay, I AM a Wiccan after all so that is not out of the question), you don't know that. Your anxiety is telling you that, which I can certainly fully understand as a serial, unreconstructed worrier myself! In terms of an ultimatum, could you possibly view this as setting a base or expectation framework , so that both of you know where you leave off and the other one begins? In order to give you both some certainty?

I know it's easy to say..hang in there. If nothing else, keep us posters posted!

[healed84]

What I don't get is the no contact part.. If he has assured you over and over again that it is okay to contact him, it seems unfair to take that away.. like you did something wrong. If anything, it sounds as if his advisor is the one who has a problem and is being completley unfair. I am sorry you are going through this. (((hugs)))

[taylor43]

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) I do not get some t's they say one thing and then turn around and say another. I am very sorry, i can relate so much to this. My old t set some very harsh boundaries it was so painful. ((((((((Hugs))))))

[WikidPissah]

Did he say anything about how off the wall dbt t was? It seems weird that he would just spring this on you without talking about it. It is harsh to allow contact then suddenly take it away, that sounds really painful.

Thats terrible, and I am so sorry. My xT was a boundary enforcer who liked to change the rules as she played the game. I agree, maybe you should loko for a more experienced T and be very up front about boundaries.

[Chronic]

I havent been around here for a while, but I hope it's ok to comment. Your post really stood out for me because my T introduced a "therapy contract" a couple of months ago. I have been with him nearly for years and he is CBT. Up until the beginning of this year I have been able to freely email him between sessions. It helped me process things between sessions, and was a way to stay connected to him. Then one day in January he presents me with this contract and tells me he is introducing it to help me feel safe in therapy (I have huge trust issues) and so that I talk to him because I was saying more in my emails that I was to him face to face.

After 2 months, this damn contract is still on my agenda every session because it hurts and bothers me so much. No matter how many times we go over it, the outcome is still the same- I am in pain, and now he wont help between sessions. I also cannot call him in a crisis- he has made a crisis intervention plan- basically that I must call the crisis team or go straight to hospital. He has told me that if I call him he will ignore my calls. I even asked him last session "would you prefer it if I died rather than call you if I am struggling". He told me it was an unfair question then spouted a load of psychobabble and I zoned out.

I dont actually have to sign the contract but everytime I say or do something that's not in it, he says "Chronic...this is violating our therapy contract or Chronic, this is not in our contract". I get so mad at him. I just want to shout **** the stupid contract- you are causing unbearable pain! I still violate it though- send him emails when I really need to, and sometimes I dont talk to him about things I should be. I know it sounds ****ed up but I need to regain some power somehow. I feel controlled now he has put this in place.

You mentioned you're in DBT- are you borderline? I am and my T tells me he is trying to get me to stick to rules/boundaries because I don;t and always break them. I hate him for it. He tells me I havent done anything wrong, but why now after all this time put the contract in place. Maybe your Ts superviser is trying to teach him how to set boundaries- but honestly he could do a much better job of it.

Sorry for going on, but I wanted you to know that I SO feel your pain- the rejection, abandonment, fear. I don't understand why they change rules at will. I hope you have a strong enough relationship with your T to tell him how these changes are making you feel

[SpiritRunner]

I understand how painful it is to have this handed down, and how it seems like a lot of rules/stipulations - and I don't like to get a load of rules slapped on me either.
But as others have said, he is a student and this is what his advisor is telling him to do .... he's NOT choosing to make this so hard for you and so painful that you will want to quit because he really wants to terminate you, nor is he abandoning you.
However, the total no-contact part does sound rather stringent to me.....no contact between sessions at all? I would find that hard to take too ..... because I'd like to have that open if I felt like I was struggling and that bit of phone contact or whatever would help me do the things I needed to do to keep myself safe.
I wonder if the supervisor is protecting the student T a bit though, giving him boundaries so he doesn't go further than is maybe safe for him to go, since he isn't as experienced yet? And maybe the supervisor is on the strict/stern side?
I wonder too if a more experienced T couldn't offer the deeper support you need, with more moderate boundaries?

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

I wonder if the supervisor is protecting the student T a bit though, giving him boundaries so he doesn't go further than is maybe safe for him to go, since he isn't as experienced yet? And maybe the supervisor is on the strict/stern side?
I wonder too if a more experienced T couldn't offer the deeper support you need, with more moderate boundaries?

These are my exact thoughts. Something similar happened to me with a less experienced T and her consultation group so the next time that I looked for a new T I made certain to contact only people with at least 15 yrs experience. Of course fit is the most impt but I just figured that more clients had meant more dofferent types of clients, therefore the person would have a better sense of what to do without relying on supervisors.

This sounds very strict and inflexible. Like other posters have said, remember that this is on the advice of his supervisor - it's not coming from him, so you weren't wrong to trust him... but, finding a T who is better suited to your needs and more experienced may be the best plan of action. A no contact rule seems over the top, in my opinion, and I wouldn't take kindly to the no SI rule either. Of course we don't WANT to SI, of course we want to overcome the urges with ice and red pen, but it's not always so simple is it? Thing is, you should be able to trust your T and talk to them about it, not hide it because you're scared of them terminating you - how are you supposed to open up about things, about your real feelings? It's up to you what you decide to do - sign it and abide or walk away, but I know I'd hate getting these terms and conditions from my T.

[elliemay]

Has the been a therapist convention or something? All these therapists behaving in ways that seem quite bad.

You say you had no idea this was coming? I'm so sorry.

[karebear1]

Actually, there was a convention in Washington DC a little over a week ago.

[greengrasshopper]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

I got hit with this yesterday.

I spent all last night crying. Right now I just feel mostly numb, which is such a relief from before. But I know the pain is hiding and will be back.

The Terms: (And I'm doing this from memory. That's how many times I've read it.)

T will abide by these rules:
-Provide 1 weekly 50 minute psychotherapy session
-To not respond to any form of correspondence, including phone calls, text messages, or emails.
-To call 911 and provide contact information if there is a serious concern over my safety

I will abide by these rules:
-To attend DBT skills group weekly
-To consult with a psychiatrist to assess the possibility of medication
-If I feel like harming myself, I must do the following things:
*Deep breathing exercise
*Muscle relaxation
*Use ice or red marker to draw on myself
*call a friend or family member
*call one of two hotlines, 911, or go to the ER.

He is a student, his adviser is making him do this. It is especially hurtful because I've been asking him, is it okay that I'm calling you? Is this okay? He kept reassuring me that it was okay. I should not have trusted him. I knew that it was too good to last. Now I am reaping the pain I have sowed for taking something that was not mine for the taking. I should have followed my gut.

I am hurting so bad right now. I hate ultimatums. This is the kind of thing you do when you think your client is stagnating or not trying. Neither of those are true for me. I have been trying so hard.

If I had enough emotional control that I DON'T need to talk to my therapist and I DON'T have to cut... then I DON'T NEED A THERAPIST!

Additionally, I already tried a CBT group on his recommendation. I am not against CBT. But, it ended very badly. I need some time to recuperate from that terrible experience. Now I cannot have the time I need. He says that there is a waiting list of 6 weeks, but it's not the same.

He has taken all my control from me, and he knows that I HATE feeling powerless. It is taking everything in me not to lash out at him. I want to hurt him. I want to cut horribly and I want him to know it's because of what he did to me.

I feel like he has abandoned me in everything but presence. And I feel like that is coming soon. This feels manipulative and cruel. I feel like he wants to terminate with me, but doesn't want to feel guilty over it. So he is making it so painful for me that I will quit him. I wish he would just terminate with me if that was the case. If he forces me to do it, then it's just something else I've failed at.

And I don't want to take meds.

I feel abandoned, betrayed, and manipulated. This feels like punishment. This feels cruel. I don't understand. I am hurting so badly.

Could you print this out and give it to your therapist. Seems to me he has his advisor telling him about the way things should be done. Might be a good learning tool for the therapist to see it from their patients perspective too.
It may be about boundaries in the therapy profession but in the world of the patient it is very different ie - punishment, abandonment, cruel, betrayel, manipulation, powerlessness all words from your post. Let him see your perspective.

[Squirrel1983]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Has the been a therapist convention or something? All these therapists behaving in ways that seem quite bad.

You say you had no idea this was coming? I'm so sorry.

Last week my T apologized for taking so long to reply to an email. She said she was tied up in seminars, so there could of been a convention.

I'm sorry, I know this is hard and it hurts. I was hit with this by my 1st T and I was devastated.

[InTherapy]

[Email response to T. The contract said he wouldn't RESPOND, not that I couldn't contact. Thoughts?]

T,

You have mentioned that you meet with [supervisor] on Wednesdays. I have some questions/concerns about the contract. I would appreciate it if you could get me some answers and let me know on Monday.

1. If you are not going to respond to anything outside of our Monday session, what happens if I have to cancel or reschedule? Should I even bother to call you if you're not going to answer? If I do call, then at least you know I'm not coming... but then how will we reschedule? You calling me back would be responding.

2. According to the contract, If I am feeling suicidal and have a plan and I'm alone, I shouldn't call you, because you won't respond. This seems just plain wrong.

I think Nancy is trying to protect you, and prevent me from becoming too dependent on you, and a blanket ban on contact is easiest. But that doesn't make it the right decision. It's not like I'm incapable of not contacting you. To my recollection, I've called you 3 times. 1) Getting lost on the way to CCCA. 2)Panicking after the news of a death. 3)Feeling suicidal. Other than that, I've emailed, not expecting a response, or texted, asking your permission to call or if you were willing to speak with me. I've made a conscious effort to briefly explain what the issue is and let YOU decide if it warranted talking to me. I've repeatedly asked you if it was okay or if I was contacting you too much. You always said it was fine, or that "everyone has bad weeks". I've been respectful and made a conscious effort not to intrude, despite your encouraging me to contact you.

Now the rules have changed. Fine. But it seems like you've gone overboard in enforcing them. I am perfectly capable of contacting you rarely, only in case of true emergency. I doubt that I ever would have called you at all, except you encouraged me to do so and even called me first at 10pm one evening (much to my chagrin).

But you haven't given me that chance. I feel I am being punished for your failing to set stronger boundaries. I felt that it was probably too much, but when I asked, you kept reassuring me. I had already verbally made the commitment to try to follow your lead, because I realized I was not thinking right. Do you remember that conversation? Not being able to contact my own therapist under any circumstances including emergency seems extremely harsh, even reactionary. I certainly fail to see how it's in my best interest.

3. What happens if I fail to complete every item on the long list of things I have to do before cutting? I wish I could say, "yes, 100% of the time I can follow ALL these steps." Sometimes I can, but not always. I am afraid of being punished if I am not successful. Then what? Do I tell you the truth and have you terminate treatment? Do I lie? The increased anxiety is triggering me further and increasing the urge to cut. I should be able to trust you and talk to you about it, not hide it because I'm scared of you or how you'll react. What WILL happen if I fail to meet any of the criteria in the contract?

4. I basically feel like you're telling me that I'm no longer allowed to need your help nor am I allowed to need cutting. If I didn't need either of these things, I wouldn't need to be in therapy! I need your help to work through them, not an ultimatum telling me you'll give up on me if I can't quit them on my own. If I could quit being crazy on my own, I wouldn't need therapy!

5. I already asked what happens if I fail to meet the terms of our "agreement". What happens if you do? If you cancel on me, then you're failing to uphold your end of the bargain - seeing me weekly. (Aren't you going out of town at the end of April or the beginning of May?)

[CantExplain]

This (the original posting) is no contract. A contract is a negotiated agreement between equals.

What you got was an ultimatum.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

This (the original posting) is no contract. A contract is a negotiated agreement between equals.

What you got was an ultimatum.

AGREED!!!!

I've never understood these "contracts" for self-harm... are they actually going to fire you for self-harming or being suicidal? Yeah that sounds really therapeutic (insert sarcasm)... it's like hitting a child every time is stumbles while learning to walk.

[growlycat]

I think the part about his inexperience is most disturbing. What else can't he handle without supervisor intervention? Some patients with milder problems are ok for newbies but if you are harming yourself, you need an old pro. I have found that more experienced T's are confident enough to allow contact between sessions (not unlimited, but they seem more self assured at managing this.) Your T may be a nice guy but he may be in over his head.

[Midnightmoon]

Sometimes I think they make these boundries because they want us to learn some sort of lesson from it. I really don't think its right. Or they want to keep us 'sick' because otherwise they wouldn't get paid. I dunno maybe I am being to negative about it. Let us know what your T says.