how much detail is necessary

Then there is no hope.

I am going to see backup therapist and maybe she will give me a better explanation or reason I can use to help.

that is a good idea. I hope it helps.
I'm sorry this is such a hard struggle for you.

oh, and there is always hope. the thing is, either we believe there is or we believe there isn't, and the belief makes the difference in what we feel about the existence or possibility of hope for us in whatever our struggle is.
I tend toward the pessimistic (or I have called it realistic, or pragmatic, but my H calls it pessimistic, because he is a sort of a bleeding optimist ) view that I myself am a bit beyond hope in some ways, that I won't/can't change. But of course, that turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy ..... with T2, I actually experienced something of a shift in that perspective/belief though, an epiphany if you will. I don't know what to call it. But it was a decision to stop insisting that I was incurably defective and start believing that it was possible I was not entirely either defective or incurable, and see what could become possible or happen if I changed my perspective and my belief ..... and allowed hope of good change and growth to be more of a possibility. Part of that involved simply accepting myself/my personality/my traits and quirks or what not as OK and normal, NOT diseased or defective, and working forward from that to accept that I could change some aspects of myself, my thoughts, my behaviors, adapt and grow and be me. To accept both that some things I could change and that some things I could not, and to have peace with that......

I don't think hope is always a good thing. I would kill off hope along with irrational feelings if I could figure out how to do so. I am not telling anyone else to give up hope (although I do often think people would be happier without it).

well, I can agree that sometimes hope is an irrational, illogical thing. I read an article in Newsweek about that some time ago .... and it basically said that in light of the realities of life, the shortness of it, the inevitability of things like death, pain, loss, etc, that hope is irrational and illogical, but yet people seem, for the most part, to be hardwired for it. that if we spent our time dwelling on the probability factor of bad things happening rather than the possibilities hope offers we'd all be depressed/angry, get nothing done because we'd be sunk in the mire of feeling it was all futile and pointless anyway, but hope is something that makes it possible for us to be happy and to enjoy life and to overlook or triumph over those things. a pdoc in the hosp told me that I spent time dwelling on the probability side of the equation and agreed with me that my brain was probably not as hardwired for hope as the average person and so my mind/thoughts tended to fall toward the side of probability rather than hope and possibility of good ....
in other words, what I thought/believed was actually right, but it sure wasn't conducive to living a happy, balanced, healthy life as having some hope would be. so, all that means, is that having and holding onto hope is a struggle for me, because I see too clearly the starkness of probability and the cold brutality of how reality on this earthly realm can be ...... but I think it's worth it, because choosing to look at hope and have it for myself makes me feel better and be more emotionally/spiritually healthy actually than rejecting it as illogical/irrational....

You don't want to try to pay attention to your feelings?
It seems like you are making progress with therapy as your posts change. I wish I could do that too!

I think that you are fighting being human. You don't want to feel. You don't want to attach and then you want therapy to make these 2 things possible.

In the best of all possible worlds, of course. But I realize it is not entirely possible, what with that human thing and all. Here I am just seeking an explanation.

Honestly, the details freak me out in my own head so how will I tell someone else? When I was in treatment I had a T who wanted details and kept getting frustrated when I wouldn't. I finally got up and left and refused to see a T again.

I told my current T this and also told her that if being pushed for details I will leave. She told me this is my therapy and I get to decide when I'm ready to share specifics.

Also, I have the worst time opening up. I've been with my T for nearly two years and I still can't get myself to open up.