[jenluv]

I'm a T Googler. I know much too much about T. T also hasn't locked down his facebook. I check his facebook every day to feel a connection to him. ($5 bucks to the first person who can guess my attachment style.)

Well, I've always wondered when it was going to slip that I knew more information about T than I was supposed to. It might happen this week if I'm not careful. I know T has been feeling sick the past few days. I fear that I'll ask T if he's feeling better or something along those lines. Ugh.

And silly me -- I'm waiting until I have a more safe attachment to T to tell T about looking him up. I imagine I'll be able to tell T and laugh about it at some point, but that is definitely not now. And yes -- I try to explore the whys and hows of my FB/Googling and sit with the reasons. I'm still too scared to talk about it though.

[Chopin99]

I'm a T googler as well. I know WAY more than I should know about her. Luckily, I haven't managed to slip on anything yet. She doesn't have a Facebook or anything, so most of the information isn't pertinent to her present day-to-day status.

I understand what you're saying because I'd want to ask how she's doing if I thought she'd been sick. Maybe you could ask him a simple "How are you?" at your next session.

[jenluv]

Chopin, I probably will ask him how he is. There are always a hundred things I intend to say and then forget though -- so I may forget. He's REALLY good about making the session about me.

It really does give me a sense of control though -- and that's probably the root of why I do it. I just want to make sure that T is as "normal" and loving and human as he seems in session. I want to know that it is safe to disclose all the stuff that I disclose. I already feel vulnerable enough knowing that he knows more of what's going on with me than I do.

[Chopin99]

I think it was control for me as well. I'm not proud of what I did, because I found out a couple of negative things she probably wouldn't want me to know. It showed me she was human and normal, though.

[rainboots87]

I'm also guilty. I know whether my Ts and dietitian have twitter, facebook, or pinterest, and I accidentally found my group T's recent wedding pics online (this surprised me). I was just looking up their names to find info on them professionally and lots of other stuff pops up due to their uncommon names. The wedding pics even confirmed that she's the religion I suspected she was.

I don't mention any of this, because I'm not a stalker. I don't go to their houses or have their personal numbers, I don't check the sites I know they have, I don't want to actually infringe on their life in any way. I'm only accessing what is publicly available and know that anything beyond the professional therapist-client relationship is off-limits for their good and mine.

[eclogite]

I finally "came out" to the extent and frequency that I've googled and whatnot mine, and it was liberating. I didn't realized how extensive my feeling of shame was over it (I hope others don't experience shame about it), and she and I started to get a better idea of some of my underlying issues through talking about it.

[jenluv]

eclogite, would you be willing to share what some of those underlying issues were? I know it would be helpful for me to hear, but if you'd rather not I understand as well.

[rainbow8]

I'm also a member of the T googling club though I took it too far when I drove past her house. I've had 5 Ts and I either had therapy in their house or I felt compelled to drive past their house once. My downfall is that I can't keep it to myself so I always "confess" to my Ts.

When I told my T I knew something about her deceased parents she wasn't too happy. I do genealogy so I know where to look. There's nothing on my T's FB page but her H and kids have theirs open to anyone so I looked at their photos. That got me upset so I told my T about it. I then promised myself and her that I wouldn't look up her family again. The day I told her that, I asked if she could show me photos of them so she showed me a few from her cell phone.

My former T said I look things up in order to get close to people, in this case, Ts. I think that's true, though I agree with you, jenluv, that I also do it to check out whether my T is "really" as nice in RL as she is with me. I found something a relative wrote about her and that convinced me she's real. I could have trusted my own instincts but wanted more. I still wish there was more about her online. I never promised not to google her, only her family. Now when she's out of the country, the urge to google is strong but instead I look at some things she gave me, as well as listen to an audio recording of a visualization we did in session last year.

[eclogite]

Originally Posted by jenluv

eclogite, would you be willing to share what some of those underlying issues were? I know it would be helpful for me to hear, but if you'd rather not I understand as well.

She is not the only person I do this with. I've done it with first dates, new friends, etc.

It comes from a few places:

1) Constantly questioning her authenticity. I've learned I have a big thing about people not being fake. She needs to be real, genuine, and honest with me. I kept looking for things that would point otherwise. She's a Christian, and I needed to see evidence of that. I needed to know that while she was a therapist, she also didn't have dealbreaker skeletons in her closet. I needed her personality to be the same in session and in her real life. I needed little things so I could respect her as a professional (no crazy drunk pics, etc.).

2) Needing a connection between sessions. I have some sort of weird emotional amnesia/impermanence (something that can occur with BPD). If I'm not with someone, they don't exist for me emotionally. The need for connection to her has waned quite a bit since having more regular and frequent sessions and comfortable communication via email. For sure, the real life relationship I have with her is more valuable to me than what I was scrambling for before, but at the time I needed something. She was a safe thing in my life so in the moments when I was really screwed up I could task myself with gathering more information about her, and it got me closer to something safe.

3) We are close in age, have similar interests, and live in a moderate-sized isolated community, so there will be overlap. I now go to the church where she once went, so we know some mutual people. Going through their older pictures and getting an idea of how that church group has changed since I've joined evoked a painful longing in me. I needed a group like that when it was happening, and I wish I could have experienced that community. That gets tangled up with her since she was in the group then. I've also had some tricky instances when her name has been brought up as someone who had been in the group, and I've felt very dirty or unsafe, feeling like I was way over boundaries. One night I was talking with a friend in her apartment and found out that my T actually used to live there as a roommate with some others a few years back.. it freaked me out being right there in her previous apartment. We later talked it out and she was ok with it. I hadn't expected it, but hearing from her that she forgave me for that made it so much easier for me to realize it was just something that happened. These things will crop up time to time, but it's not on purpose, I'm not fishing for things, and I'm not trying to insert myself into her life. I need her so much more as a therapist than I would ever gain from her as a friend. She's just a person, and I have a few fantastic friends I'd prefer.

I know as much about her as one could possibly know about someone from the internet plus all the self-disclosure she has done. I felt very ashamed for having done it, but talking through it with her reduced my guilt and helped me see why I was doing it. Both very beneficial. It did freak her out at first, but she had a good idea of who I was by that time. I may have been the first to talk it out with her, but I'm sure I'm not the only to have done so (or will do so). Information is just information. I never had the intention of doing much more than collect it. I sometimes run past where she lives (she knows), but even with that, it's not like I'm checking up on her.

We came to the conclusion that as long as it's not taking over my life (hours a week looking for her to slip up so I can write her off as inauthentic, only connecting to her via google, etc.), then those are all ok. I will continue to do it if necessary until the issues are "fixed". It's been less and less of my life now that I've gotten to know the "real" her better.

[jenluv]

eclogite -- thank you so, so much for sharing that.

" I have some sort of weird emotional amnesia/impermanence (something that can occur with BPD). If I'm not with someone, they don't exist for me emotionally."

I've got this too -- or something akin to it. I have some hours (and it's hours, not days) where I feel like I'm fine being my autonomous self with an H and kiddos and a life. And then there are hours where I wish I could sit at T's feet like Mary did with Jesus -- that he will only be here a short time. That gaping maw of neediness is so effing hard to tolerate.

One of my most effective coping mechanisms is exercise/running. After a run yesterday my knee (I've had few surgeries from college/post-college sports) did it's swelling and deep aching thing that it does sometimes and I had to get off it. I've been icing it on and off all day and all the other important knee-maintenace things. But I'm absolutely terrified that I'm not going to be able to exercise and will "lose it". When I run I not only get the usual benefits but I "feel" closer to T (who is an athlete). Some days/hours its the only think that keeps me attached.

Thankfully I'm going to be busy with work the next several days so hopefully the days between sessions will go quickly.

I hate feeling this way -- especially since I was "fine" earlier today. Grrrr.

[mommyof2girls]

I used to facebook my ex t all the time sending him emails ( well that was until he asked me not to ) .....But I also have googled him, and in my line of work, I can find out a lot about him ..... Maybe too much ....

[jenluv]

Thank you guys for listening to me. I've definitely got some dysphoria going on. Do. Not. Like.