excuse me while i "brain puke".....

i apologize...this is REALLY long and i dont expect anybody to read all of it but i have a million things flying around in my head right now and i hate journaling.....its like talking to myself but on paper and i already know whats in my head and i at least know this way there are people "on the other side"...

i had a crappy session today. unproductive. casual. i cant afford to have those right now....literally and figuratively. if i dont come prepared with all my thoughts and feelings written out in letter form i get nowhere. but its takes so MUCH time and energy....hours the day before to put it all together. and sometimes i just have weeks/days where i CANT put it together. there's too much flying around in my head to coherently put my it into sentence form.

i feel like after 20 some years of for whatever reason stuffing,blocking, ignoring, repressing feelings and emotions that the flood gates have opened and im going to drown. i started therapy 1.5yrs ago for problems with husband and concerns of possible CSA (problems were regarding sex) and now im waist deep in what feels like insanity. i cant turn back and be "old me"....unaware/workaholic/emotionally & intimately unavailable. sometimes i wish i never would've "stirred the pot". but it wasnt my choice....i think hubby would've left a long time ago had i not. Now im stuck. Trapped. And i dont know how to contain any of it anymore. And I cant shut it off anymore. I hate feelings and emotions. Im terrified of them. I dont understand them. I dont know how to handle or express them. Im embarassed by them...mine and other peoples. i hate this. i feel crazy. i just want to be able to talk like a normal person about my feelings and what im thinking whether its good or bad and not be so uncomfortable. i want to be able to understand my feelings and not question them or wonder if they are "ok". why is that so hard for me? i just want to feel like one person...not a little kid and then an adult and then calm and collected but falling apart and then a completely separate emotional person. is that normal? does everybody feel like that at times?

i just want some peace and contentment. with myself, how i feel, what i think, what im doing, where im going. i dont want to have so much fear or feel so lost and helpless. i dont want to shut down and disassociate anymore. i want to be able to have a normal sex life....whatever that is.

im trying to refrain from thinking "why"...why am i like this? what caused this? why why why why why. i have to know why! i feel like ive been asking "why" for a year. maybe i should worry more about how to fix it?

and i know im playing a push/pull game with T and she has no idea. she reminds me so much of what i wish my mom was like.....strong, steady, secure, stable, smart, self-assured,soothing, etc etc. whether she really is outside of her job i have no idea but i dont even care. thats how she is when im with her. i dont want to feel that way about her. i want to be able to leave and never think about her ever again. i dont want to need that kind of "mother figure" in my life and i dont know how to turn that off.

i dont know if i should stop. if i should keep going. i never know what to do or what is right.

*sigh*

i needed to get all that out. every time i brain puke it feels like i wrote pages and pages and its really only paragraphs. if anyone has actually read this far, thank you.

Hi struggling 2 - your thanks is acknowledged as I did read all of your post .

Wow I thought, is this your post or mine? I can relate to what you have written, my brain has a tornado that whizzes around and often I can't catch hold of anything to talk about - I am not sure if I can offer advice as I too have real problems with T and being able to identify emotions / feelings and mostly being able to open my mouth at all. It is so much easier writing it down for T, but T discourages this as then it is not "real time".

I also get stuck with the why alot - and maybe why ultimately isn't important or there is no answer to it - it just is as it is and that is where we have to move forward from somehow.

Thanks for sharing how things are for you - Soup

Hi struggling 2,
Your feelings are very similar to mine. I, too, am struggling with the csa memories as I go through therapy (7 months). I don't like being dependent on therapy, yet I count down the days until my next session. I want to be "normal", too-normal thoughts, normal relationships, etc.
Bluemountains

((((Struggling)))) Yes I read it all, it wasn't too much. I hear the frustration in your writing and I feel the same way. I am afraid I am not going to be much help at all....but I want you to know I care and I am routing for you.

Thanks guys, for taking the time to read it and for understanding and for making me feel a little bit better that im not alone. Its mucho appreciated.

Soup,
I love your signature!! Soo sooo true!

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of xxxx and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”

struggling, thank you for sharing this. It was not too long, and I can relate to a lot of what you are writing. That feeling of having invested a lot in a process, and being stuck in the process, having woken up too many things that won't stay down, and not knowing what the best next step would be... I really wish there was anything helpful I could offer, but I do hear what you say.

((((((struggling)))) im stuck in a similar situation too.....and yes, i read your whole post! I agree the why might be nice, but the peace/contentment and feeling "normal" and not like some force has taken over your thought processes would be so good.....please continue to as you call it "brain puke" and let us know how you are doing

Your post wasn't too long. I really thought it was full of good material. I will keep reading your brain puke so puke away lol

thank you everyone for reading. its comforting to know im not alone. sometimes out here in the real world...away from therapy sessions and an internet forum of people who are in the same boat.....it all starts to feel really crazy. friends and hubby who are like "what IS going on with you??!?!?!?!"......and im all "dont mind me while i lose my mind!"

I can totally relate to this. Actually, I can relate to most of it. I wish I could say, "from personal experience, I know that it gets better", but I can't. So we just have to trust our T's. Mine says that by talking about the CSA, it becomes more bearable to live with. I don't feel that way now, I feel like it makes it hurt a hundred times more, but he is such a sweet and gentle person that I can't imagine him lying to me. I think it's like Winston Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, keep going."

Sounds like you are doing good work. The issues that you are struggling with sound normal for people in therapy. Keep up the good work!

i MUST remember this! good quote. thanks!