Did my T screw up royally or oversensitive me?

ECHOES · May 06, 2012, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by precious things

My T and I have been working hard this past month, we've had a few ruptures and we have really been working through them together. At times I have said to him, I think you F--- up here, and he is willing to here this and work through it to do better work....

***trigger**** for mention of SA

so, we have been very slowing getting to the experiences from my past, I went into actual details for the first time instead of generally refering to it....I stopped at a certain point but it was the begining of the uncomforatable stuff. HERE IS MY CONCERN: when I gave details, I left it (very much on purpose) gender neutral as to who the assaulter in this particular incident was. I never said he or she I only referred to it as "this person".

The next time we met, he brought up what I had talked about and went ahead assigned a gender to the assaulter, ---and he is wrong. I stopped him from talking and just didn't know what to think. I mean, maybe it is natural (on his part) to assume it was a male but it wasn't. Now, I know he was listening, but how could he not have known I was being very careful not to reveal the identity?

Is this a colassal f-up on his part? An understandable mistake? Does it mean he wasn't really listenting? I am not sure how to interpret this?

How are you doing, precious things?
I was thinking too, that sometimes a period of hard work takes it's toll and a break can be needed. Maybe that comes in the form of something like what happened with your T making a goof. And maybe it feels so awful because what you are talking about is so important to you and to your therapy. Perhaps his slip-up feels diminishing to you, because you really really need his focused attention right now. I think you do have it but when something like this happens it can rock the boat.

How are you doing today?

unaluna · May 06, 2012, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

Huh? I think we're all jumping to conclusions now

Right. IF there is an overreaction, if we feel helpless, like T "should" not have done THAT, and we feel like we can't or shouldn't have to speak up to have things be the right way - that's a whole lot of transference going on. In the here and now, we CAN work thru this, speak up, etc. In the past, nothing we could have said or done would have changed anything. They DID know better, and they did it to us anyway. But that is NOT what is happening now with T. T is not a mind-reader (as mine have said!).

WikidPissah · May 06, 2012, 05:03 PM

hey Precious Things..

sorry your T didn't "get it". Sometimes they don't get it and it hurts. Sensitive or not, pain is pain and feelings are feelings.

Fixated · May 06, 2012, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

I'm sorry but I don't understand the comparison. To me the whole issue was about not communicating effectively and then being upset when the other person appears to have made an assumption. Sorry if I wasn't clear about what I was trying to convey.

Ok. Yeah. We are coming at this from two different angles. I was looking at it as a purposeful and meaningful word choice and not any sort of communication issue. To me, I would think my T would say , "ok, fix, I see that your doing something different here. I am going to try to see and feel it from your perspective for a bit so I can better understand you, but then we're going to talk about it and maybe start using personal pronouns"

precious things · May 06, 2012, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Good idea, and then talk about how it bothered you that he assumed, and what that is about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

I like that phrasing. I think it gets the point across that we will discuss this later.

I really appreciate this idea and approach. My fear was that he did not hear me, by assigning a gender when one clearly wasn't given made me feel as though I was opening up a very deep part of me to someone who was only half paying attention. If he had said, "what this person did to you was offensive....." MUCH safer for me to continue, and in a safe pace, tell all parts of my story. But he said, "what HE did you was offensive...." Safety-gone. Feeling heard- gone. And wanting to close the door on the topic.

HOWEVER, as upsetting as this is, I see the very real possibility that I can use this to run from my fears, and run from therapy altogether. I have been running in fear my whole life and I do want to keep working ahead, even in the face of doubt. I don;t know how soon I will get back to my story, but obviously being heard is a huge issue for me (a damn it, he knows this).

CantExplain · May 07, 2012, 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

Why should a therapist go down the same path if it leads to colluding with the client? An "appropriate time to broach the why" is very subjective, and without asking the therapist why he chose that time or those words, we are making assumptions about what he should have said or done when we don't have all the information we need either, because we still don't even know that he didn't notice.

I really hate the word "colluding" in this context.

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Did my T screw up royally or oversensitive me?

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