[struggling2]

i had a dream last night and ive never had a dream like this before...it was so cool. i was sitting on some stairs inside a house and i was sitting around watching as T and other T's in her group were hanging out laughing and talking (yes, they knew i was there).....T was standing next to me and for whatever reason she gave me a big hug but it wasnt like a normal hug...it was how a mother would playfully hug and nuzzle her 2 or 3yr old little girl. i was laughing and giggling and so was she. it was so cool. i was my current age but it was almost like i WAS 2 or 3 while it was happening. thats how i felt. like a little kid being loved by her mom. i could FEEL the love. so thats what that feels like? when i woke up right after that I was smiling so big. it was a feeling ive never felt before. i know it has less to do with T and everything to do with my mom. then of course as the "Awe" of it wore off after i was up for awhile....i am now starting to feel sad about it. 1. because i know i will never really experience that and 2. because i missed out on all that fun, happy, nurturing love from my mom

as the day goes on the intensity of those feelings while i was in the dream are starting to fade and i just wish i could hang onto them forever.

[granite1]

i had a dream something like that and my T huged me and it was bitter sweet because i did feel great and the same way you felt but knew it wasnt real and when i was awaik i felt ashaimed

[unaluna]

wow. it's like you're trying to flip the coin over to the happy side IRL, that you only see in your dreams, and that makes you sad. whereas I wake up with a wooden nickel under my pillow and i'm happy with that, never even had that much before. I'm wondering if it's the difference between abuse and neglect, where with abuse you did have parental attention, and so you CAN imagine what it would be like for that attention to be happy and positive. I can't even picture that. All I see is a scowly face and trouble. There is no happy face for me to miss, hers or mine. I just don't understand this concept. omg do I sound like stopdog???

[sittingatwatersedge]

you guys do well. I wonder what it woudl be to see T in my dream. The most I've done is dream about her,
that I go to her door and leave without letting her know I am there,
or that I get an email from her but never get the chance to read it,
or that I am trying so hard to get through to her about something (in a letter, or email, say) and I keep getting it wrong.

[likelife]

It does sound like such a bittersweet dream. I'm glad you got a chance to enjoy that feeling, even if it was only fleeting. I wonder if it feels like it whetted your appetite, so to speak, for more of that kind of feeling.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by hankster

I'm wondering if it's the difference between abuse and neglect, where with abuse you did have parental attention, and so you CAN imagine what it would be like for that attention to be happy and positive. I can't even picture that. All I see is a scowly face and trouble. There is no happy face for me to miss, hers or mine. I just don't understand this concept. omg do I sound like stopdog???

i think im confused by this hankster......i wasnt abused by my mom. she was for sure emotionally unavailable....so wouldnt that be more neglect?

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by likelife

It does sound like such a bittersweet dream. I'm glad you got a chance to enjoy that feeling, even if it was only fleeting. I wonder if it feels like it whetted your appetite, so to speak, for more of that kind of feeling.

it was bittersweet....currently feeling more sweet than bitter. i would say it for sure whet my appetite for more......even its only in dreams.

im wondering if i should share this with T? that would be SO awkward cause she was a part of it...and this recent mom stuff and how i told her she reminds me of what i wish my mom was....its made me all weird around her. but maybe it would be good insight?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by struggling2

i think im confused by this hankster... i wasnt abused by my mom. she was for sure emotionally unavailable... so wouldnt that be more neglect?

yeah so that theory is wrong! so you have actually seen your mom be happy? i've seen my dad be mellow and kind, but not the mother. she was just always very tense. she was emotionally available, but the emotions she wanted to share, I wanted no part of.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by hankster

yeah so that theory is wrong! so you have actually seen your mom be happy? i've seen my dad be mellow and kind, but not the mother. she was just always very tense. she was emotionally available, but the emotions she wanted to share, I wanted no part of.

um, i dunno...her "happy" is not what i would consider happy. i dont think she's ever been diagnosed but i know she has some kind of mental illness......she was always extremely tense, angry, frustrated, anxious, and consumed by her OCD'ness. I dont remember her by any means as happy go lucky, calm, stable, steady, etc. She can be very non-realistic in her emotions. Just very reactive. I think thats where T came in to my dream....she has portrayed lots of characteristics I wish my mom had....stable, steady, calm, self-assured, etc.......and in the dream she was very loving and affectionate. I know my mom loved me but she just wasnt capable of it in a typical way, unfortunately. ....writing all that put a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat

[unaluna]

i'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry or upset you, and i'm not trying to be contrary. I just can't connect to the idea of wishing my mother were any other way. it's like trying to move a mountain. i'd rather just turn my back and walk the other way.

[Sannah]

When I had a dream about me as a little girl getting affection like this, this was the message from my subconscious that I was finally willing and able to take care of my inner child. Soon after this happened she integrated and I was whole for the first time in my life and I was then able to be kind to myself (because the self hate stuff frequently if not always involves the inner child and the hating the inner child keeps her seperate and you not integrated).

Originally Posted by struggling2

im wondering if i should share this with T? that would be SO awkward cause she was a part of it...and this recent mom stuff and how i told her she reminds me of what i wish my mom was....its made me all weird around her. but maybe it would be good insight?

I hope you'll tell your T! I think it will give her important information about how you're progressing. I don't know enough to know just what it all means, but my T has said that my dreams give him a lot of insight into where I am in therapy.

I had a dream about running up to my T, full-speed ahead like a little kid, and just throwing my arms around him and hugging him. I cried for 6 hours after I got up because of the incredible sadness this made me feel. I was barely able to get the words out to tell him - one of most difficult moments so far.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

I hope you'll tell your T! I think it will give her important information about how you're progressing. I don't know enough to know just what it all means, but my T has said that my dreams give him a lot of insight into where I am in therapy.

I had a dream about running up to my T, full-speed ahead like a little kid, and just throwing my arms around him and hugging him. I cried for 6 hours after I got up because of the incredible sadness this made me feel. I was barely able to get the words out to tell him - one of most difficult moments so far.

awwww how did he respond bunny after you told him?

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by hankster

i'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry or upset you, and i'm not trying to be contrary. I just can't connect to the idea of wishing my mother were any other way. it's like trying to move a mountain. i'd rather just turn my back and walk the other way.

oh hankster, u didnt upset me at all! id never really thought about all this mother stuff til recently so its still very new to me...and confusing. and weird. sometimes id rather just turn around and walk away but....too late.

Originally Posted by Sannah

When I had a dream about me as a little girl getting affection like this, this was the message from my subconscious that I was finally willing and able to take care of my inner child. Soon after this happened she integrated and I was whole for the first time in my life and I was then able to be kind to myself (because the self hate stuff frequently if not always involves the inner child and the hating the inner child keeps her seperate and you not integrated).

Yes. This.

Something similar happened to me right before I was able to connect to my inner child for the first time in therapy. Struggling-I think it would be great to mention this to your T because it can open the door for you to do some inner child work and that could be a major part of your healing. Once you are able to connect to the inner child-it really really helps.