[seventyeight]

this probably seems ridiculous considering i had therapy this morning, but i really miss my therapist right now! it's been like two hours since i left her office, and the "missing" feelings have been increasing each minute that goes by. i actually can't remember the last time i missed her this much! and i have no idea why it's happening today.

i'd say the session was pretty average. we covered a few topics that have been bouncing around for the last few months, so nothing out of the ordinary. the hello/goodbye were both good, so nothing abnormal there. the weird thing though, is that i feel like i keep smelling her! she doesn't wear perfume as far as i know, but i feel like i keep smelling her on my shirt. i have no idea what that's about, and it's making me miss her like a thousand times more! it's almost like i got some of her energy on me when we hugged, and then mistakenly took it with me! weird.

the only other thing i can think of that's semi-related, is that i told her i feel like i haven't been as good about connecting with her lately - in terms of asking how she's doing. nothing super personal, but i'm usually better about saying, "hey, how are you? did you have a nice weekend?" and i haven't been doing that at all the last few months. i've actually been feeling afraid to for some reason, like afraid she'll tell me she can't answer. she's never like that, but for some reason, i'm fearing it now. so i guess it's kind of like i'm missing her, even when i'm actually there with her. maybe that's why it feels even more pronounced now that i'm not with her.

i don't know, but i thought i'd feel better somehow if i wrote about it here. thank you for reading!

[Perna]

Did you use a different detergent to wash your clothes with? I still remember the strong reaction I had in some public restrooms, a yearning feeling, and I finally figured out some restroom soap smells like Jergen's lotion and my mother probably wore it when I was little (late 1940's-early 50's) and I was being triggered by the similar smell. Maybe you have had contact with a random smell that did something like that for you and mixed your mother and therapist or just your therapist and created a transference memory or something for you.

[rainbow8]

I don't have an answer about your shirt. Maybe it was her dryer sheet or detergent, or lotion she was wearing that rubbed off on you? I usually miss my T more after seeing her but you say that's unusual for you.

It could have to do with what you brought up about not asking her about herself lately. Did she reassure you that it was okay to ask? Do you feel unsettled or unfinished about your discussion of it with her?

I'm sorry you're missing her so much, and hope that you can figure it out, or be able to cope. I know how strong those feelings can be!

[seventyeight]

thanks for the reply, perna. good call on the soap - i washed my hands with this lavender soap that she has, but just now i washed with another soap just incase it's that smell that's triggering me. normally, i like smelling it on my hands, but not today! the odd thing is that it seems like it's my clothes detergent that's triggering me. i keep smelling my detergent on my clothes, but that's what's really reminding me of her! maybe we use the same kind? i don't know why it's not bothered me before now though.

yes, i do think it's related to other things - like my mother. in fact, at one point in session today i said, "i miss my mom." it's almost like i got the mom-missing mixed up with missing my therapist. there were even a few times when i looked at her today, and thought of my mom, or felt like i was with my mom (or at least a mom), and i think i was transferring some of those feelings on to her.

anyway, thanks again for the reply.

[seventyeight]

yes, rainbow - the feelings are really strong! i agree that it's a little more typical to miss them after session, but i can't remember it being this bad.

we didn't come to any conclusions on the topic of asking her about herself. she indicated to me that it was okay to ask her if i wanted to, but she didn't say it directly. i can't say why exactly, but i definitely got the feeling she was comfortable with me asking.

this is sorta related, but she's also been really funny about our 'goodbyes' lately (like for the last few months - at least). she hugs me for a long time (and sometimes super tight!) and then when we separate she looks at me for a few seconds (i don't usually look back), and then we walk to the door and say goodbye/take care, and then i walk out and almost always she says something additional. sometimes i'm literally walking up the stairs and have to turn around to hear/acknowledge what she's saying. i'm sure it doesn't sound like much, but it makes me feel like she really cares about me and is sad to see me go. i'm sure i'm making more out of it than it probably is though! i'm not sure why i'm mentioning it, but there's something about it that's making me feel "pulled" back to her or something. i don't know though.

well, thanks for the reply - i really appreciate it!

[BonnieJean]

se- that sounds like such a warm goodbye your t gives! what a nice feeling that must be.

[ECHOES]

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all, to me. Missing is a way of staying connected.

[geez]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

yes, rainbow - the feelings are really strong! i agree that it's a little more typical to miss them after session, but i can't remember it being this bad.

we didn't come to any conclusions on the topic of asking her about herself. she indicated to me that it was okay to ask her if i wanted to, but she didn't say it directly. i can't say why exactly, but i definitely got the feeling she was comfortable with me asking.

this is sorta related, but she's also been really funny about our 'goodbyes' lately (like for the last few months - at least). she hugs me for a long time (and sometimes super tight!) and then when we separate she looks at me for a few seconds (i don't usually look back), and then we walk to the door and say goodbye/take care, and then i walk out and almost always she says something additional. sometimes i'm literally walking up the stairs and have to turn around to hear/acknowledge what she's saying. i'm sure it doesn't sound like much, but it makes me feel like she really cares about me and is sad to see me go. i'm sure i'm making more out of it than it probably is though! i'm not sure why i'm mentioning it, but there's something about it that's making me feel "pulled" back to her or something. i don't know though.

well, thanks for the reply - i really appreciate it!

What a nice goodbye!! If I had a T that gave me a goodbye like that every time I'd want to see her everday

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by geez

What a nice goodbye!! If I had a T that gave me a goodbye like that every time I'd want to see her everday

i agree!

[seventyeight]

yes, it is a really nice goodbye. it's just unusual for me to see her like that, like she's actually sad about me leaving. she looks kind of vulnerable or something, which i never see from her. i'm not quite sure what to make of it, especially the part about her saying something after i've already left and am walking up the stairs. sometimes i feel like i can't handle it, and i just keep walking. yesterday, i think she wanted to say something, but i didn't turn around so i think she just watched me walk away (i could still kind of see her out of the corner of my eye, and she hadn't shut the door yet).

i'm not sure what to make of our hugs either. sometimes when i really think about it, i feel like it's abnormal to embrace for so long. it's only like 20-30 seconds, but that's a long time for a hug imo! i know this is off topic, but if anyone would like to share what their hugs are like with their therapist - please do!

also, thanks for all of the replies. you pc people are the best

[unaluna]

sometimes we dance. sometimes the puppets get in on the action...

I used to wait with a kid for the schoolbus at our apartment complex, and once she told me that I wasn't doing it right - I was supposed to look LONGINGLY at the bus until it was out of sight, not just walk away as soon as it left the driveway! So your T is doing it right, per my 9 year old neighbor

[geez]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

yes, it is a really nice goodbye. it's just unusual for me to see her like that, like she's actually sad about me leaving. she looks kind of vulnerable or something, which i never see from her. i'm not quite sure what to make of it, especially the part about her saying something after i've already left and am walking up the stairs. sometimes i feel like i can't handle it, and i just keep walking. yesterday, i think she wanted to say something, but i didn't turn around so i think she just watched me walk away (i could still kind of see her out of the corner of my eye, and she hadn't shut the door yet).

i'm not sure what to make of our hugs either. sometimes when i really think about it, i feel like it's abnormal to embrace for so long. it's only like 20-30 seconds, but that's a long time for a hug imo! i know this is off topic, but if anyone would like to share what their hugs are like with their therapist - please do!

also, thanks for all of the replies. you pc people are the best

It sounds like your feeling pressure from T? Like your supposed to give her something in return after a long embrace/hug? And 20 -30 seconds for a hug is a LONG TIME - but that's just my opinion and I am a 'non hugger type' - but yet I crave them... i digress

Perhaps there is some type of transference on your T's end of things? I wish my T would hug me that way or should I say just hug me period. I feel like I so desperately need that while at the same time knowing I'll never get it.

I'm not there so everything I say is pure speculation. It sounds like this is something for you to bring up in therapy.

[seventyeight]

after thinking about it some more (and counting to 30 ), i realized that the hugs aren't as long as i feel like they are. maybe more like 10-15 seconds. anyway, i guess it's not that big of a deal, but it's making me feel weird right now for some reason.

thanks for your reply, geez. i don't think i'm feeling like she wants something from me in return, but i do feel pressure. i don't think i realized that before. plus, there's now a part of me that feels like i'm doing something wrong.

Originally Posted by seventyeight

yes, i do think it's related to other things - like my mother. in fact, at one point in session today i said, "i miss my mom." it's almost like i got the mom-missing mixed up with missing my therapist. there were even a few times when i looked at her today, and thought of my mom, or felt like i was with my mom (or at least a mom), and i think i was transferring some of those feelings on to her.

Sounds like this might be a big part of it. I've been absolutely blown away by some of the transference feelings I've had. I just can't believe the power of these!! If it is transference, that's probably a sign of progress. Might feel kind of weird, but it seems to happen all the time. If it concerns you, maybe bring it up next session?