[WikidPissah]

that I could go in there open...and not numb myself with ativan and last minute rushing

that I could pay attention and participate instead of darting every which way in my head to avoid presence.

that I could make eye contact and let him see me.

that I could lay down the sword and trust a little.

that when I think I like him I don't find a million reasons why I hate him.

that I wasn't so hard and calloused that nothing he says can penetrate.

that I would stop worrying about how quickly I can get thru the appointment and relax in the content.

that I could go back and retell my history with emotion this time.

that I would stop holding back info to keep the power on my side.

that I would see him as an ally instead of an enemy.

that I could get thru a week without wanting to die.

[Sannah]

Very good list!

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

darting every which way in my head to avoid presence.

that I could make eye contact and let him see me.

This could be related to your self worth? You feel so bad about yourself that his seeing you is a painful reminder of how you feel about yourself? Working on your self worth, and how you got it, would be good stuff to work on.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

that I could lay down the sword and trust a little.

that I would stop worrying about how quickly I can get thru the appointment and relax in the content.

that I would stop holding back info to keep the power on my side.

that I would see him as an ally instead of an enemy.

I see this as boundary issues? You don't feel that you can protect yourself? Working on healthy boundaries would be good. Recognizing that you are not powerless and that you can protect yourself. Understanding how you got this way would be helpful and working through those reasons.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

that when I think I like him I don't find a million reasons why I hate him.

that I wasn't so hard and calloused that nothing he says can penetrate.

Relationship issues? Boundaries and self worth would affect this area. Working on the above might help with this.

we could have almost written that ourselves so sadly we have no wise words to offer right now but wanted you to know we hear,understand and support♥

Wikid, I feel for you. I wish those things for you also. In particular, I hope that last one comes true. I used to keep a list in my head of things I'd done right each day, to try to help myself get over the depression. I wished so much for "I didn't kill myself today" to NOT be on the list. I wanted it to just be NORMAL and not an effort that I didn't kill myself that day. It happened eventually for me and I hope it happens for you as well!

[WikidPissah]

thanks guys. it just hurts so damn badly today. i don't think i can ever get better because i can't let help in. nothing touches me. i feel like the ice queen.

[WikidPissah]

I think I am falling off the deep end...I can't control the pain...I want to sleep forever...it hurts.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I think I am falling off the deep end...I can't control the pain...I want to sleep forever...it hurts.

Who IRL can you reach out to?

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I think I am falling off the deep end...I can't control the pain...I want to sleep forever...it hurts.

Wiki, I've been where you are. I know how much it hurts. I know how crazy it feels. I made it through and if I can do it, so can you. You are strong.

Do you have any real-life supports?

[WikidPissah]

IRL...I have H and 2 young adult kids. My daughter is away for 2 weeks. H works 2 jobs, and my son is just busy. Not that I would ever want my kiids to care for me. I am a loner, always have been. I barely leave the house anymore, just for T once a week and that's been a fail. I do have my dog, and she's always a big comfort. She sees me.

I can call T, if I do he would say, "come in, I'd love to see you"...that's what he always says. I just get there and fall silent. I can email, but even that is hard right now. Everything is so raw. I am off meds so that's really f'in with my head.

[Sannah]

Wikid, you really need to allow people to get closer to you. We humans were not designed to be totally alone (us introverts like alone time but we still need others too). I can understand why you would fear allowing others to get close. I really hope that you can work on this in therapy.

we wish we were there where you are. we would come see you and help you not feel so alone. the youngers would draw you pictures and hug you and so would we. it may only be cyberspace but we do care for you♥

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Wikid, you really need to allow people to get closer to you. We humans were not designed to be totally alone (us introverts like alone time but we still need others too). I can understand why you would fear allowing others to get close. I really hope that you can work on this in therapy.

I know Sannah. It is so hard, I am so incredibly shy. I applied for some volunteer positions...but right now I am doing so poorly I am not sure if I could handle it. I am on a waitlist for a 2 week residential program...that might help but it's a 6-8 week wait, and I need the support now.

Originally Posted by TrinityDancer

we wish we were there where you are. we would come see you and help you not feel so alone. the youngers would draw you pictures and hug you and so would we. it may only be cyberspace but we do care for you♥

thanks TD...I would really like that.