[lostmyway21]

I can't remember anything from today's session except ONE thing T said. My anxiety was so super high and I felt horrible and we went for a walk. So T stopped and he asked me, "lost...are you feeling calmer and more grounded right now walking with me?"

I did. I felt better being by his side. I always do. I wish that feeling would last forever. I wish this inner turmoil would end. T knows he couldn't do much to help me today, but he knew just walking with me would calm me enough to safely leave. I wish he knew how much I never want to leave. I wish he knew how much my inner kid, wants him to keep me safe and comfort me. My inner kid wants him to be my dad. My inner kid hates that I have to leave. I try every session to stay, but I can't and I hate it. Why did he have to show me what it's like to have everything I needed but didn't get? Why did he have to care? Why did be have to do it all right? Why can't he be my parent for keeps?

This is soo hard. This just keeps getting harder and harder it seems.

[delicatefade26]

Just wanted to give safe hugs and I hope you start feeling better soon!! It's soo tough-therapy is the hardest thing anyone could do-and you are being sooo courageous to work through things with your T-he seems like he is great for you!!
It was tough reading your post because of the line "my inner kid wants him to be my dad" I get that sooo deelpy...my little girl inside of me would want nothing more than to have him as my daddy...I have thought-I wish I could go back in time and that he would adopt me-but that I will still have my mom-shoot they could even get married-mom deserves the husband she never had anyways!! ugg...soo I get it-and just wanted to let you know Ill be thinking about ya as you are going through this!! Hang in there : )
Also-about the not leaving part...the past two session I have cried hysterically to him that I didn't want to leave...it's sooo draining.

[leiar2d2]

this makes me really excited to try to find a T. Currently T less.

[unaluna]

so why don't you look at it like a session with a personal trainer, only for your brain? T strengthens your sense of security, of being loved, of having a good dad, while you're in session, then you go live your life. You wouldn't want your real dad hanging around you all day long. OTOH, I finally had to figure out EXACTLY what it meant for me as I kept asking T to marry me - it meant I was alright. It meant I would BE alright. T was like, what does THAT mean?! So like DF did, it's good to "talk out" the fantasy and see where it leads - mine was such a strange like saying from my family, cos they think I'm NOT alright, that I need someone to take care of me. Even while I was supporting myself quite successfully as a computer programmer for 30 effing years. anyway. good job, kids.