[InTherapy]

Today T and I were talking about nightmares. I've been having a lot this week.

I told her one recurring nightmare: crickets are pouring out of my mouth. I keep spitting them out, but there's always more, and I can't get them all out.

T says, Crickets make me think of silence. Like when a joke bombs and you hear crickets. It makes me think of all the silence pouring out of you. Of all the things you are holding in that are finding other ways of coming out, like your cutting.

Then she started talking about how nothing I could say would surprise her, she used to work with sex offenders, yadda yadda yadda.

I told T: Crickets are bugs. Bugs are vile and disgusting. It makes me think of vile disgusting things pouring out of my mouth and I can't get it to stop.

She looked kind of sad after that.

She said have you ever told anybody any of the thoughts you hate that make you want to cut? And I said yes. It didn't end well.

She said what happened?

And I didn't really say much.

And she said, if they reacted badly, if that's what you're worried about, that's not what going to happen here.

And I said, that's not what happened.

And she said what happened? I'm sitting here with the wrong impression.

And I said, I told him ONE of the bad thoughts, and the next week he came in, and said, we have one more session together and you're getting a new therapist.

and she looked SHOCKED. (Our first session together, 3 sessions ago, was with me, her, and him. He's getting licensed and then he's off to do something for the state, not seeing private patients).

She said, "He didn't mention anything like that."

I think she is going to call him and find out what I told him

so confused and conflicted.

[CantExplain]

SPECULATION

She's going to call ex-T and say, "How could you do that to a patient?!"

[InTherapy]

That would be nice, but he literally HAD to. He was provisionally licensed as a student under his supervisor. When his last class ended, his license ended.

[critterlady]

It sounds like an extremely good thing that he's not seeing private patients. What an idiot he is. I'm sorry he put you through that.

[Wren_]

i'm glad you know that he had to end and it wasn't connected with what you said; that would make it a lot harder for you to share anticipating something similar happening again though nightmares are horrible ... i'm glad your current T seems to be wanting and willing to listen and help

[InTherapy]

I know he didn't do right, but he meant well. That's why I'm hurting so bad. It happened so suddenly.

I told him months before this that I was worried about having to start over, that he would decide he didn't like me, or that he was moving to Santa Fe, or that he didn't want to be a therapist. He assured me that none of those things would happen.

Then I tell him some terrible awful disgusting thing, and THE NEXT WEEK he tells me he's leaving.

Like, I'm such a ****ing disgusting patient that I made him decide he didn't want to be a therapist.

EDIT: Tigergirl, we cross-posted. I know LOGICALLY that he had to stop seeing patients, but he DIDN'T have to decide that he wasn't going to continue in private practice. I know he only had like 5 or 6 patients (pretty sure that's pretty typical, as a full time student AND having another full time job). I figure there's at LEAST a 20% chance that it was ME - more if you count the fact that I was PROBABLY the craziest/most disturbed patient, with bi-polar and borderline personalty traits, not to mention cutting behaviors and frequent suicide idealizations and occasional threats.

[Wren_]

Like, I'm such a ****ing disgusting patient that I made him decide he didn't want to be a therapist.

really really bad timing on his behalf because you totally aren't what you've been thinking/feeling in regard to what you said and his response

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

That would be nice, but he literally HAD to. He was provisionally licensed as a student under his supervisor. When his last class ended, his license ended.

Did he give you any advanced warning?

A T working to a deadline needs to be careful that he doesn't open a wound he won't have time to close.

And that's why I blame your T.

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Did he give you any advanced warning?

A T working to a deadline needs to be careful that he doesn't open a wound he won't have time to close.

And that's why I blame your T.

No. I came in one week, the week after my terrible confession, and he told me that our current session that we were sitting in would be our last session alone.

Our next session after THAT was with him AND new T.

At the very end of that session (with both him AND new T, the last time I saw him) I asked, to double check our previously discussed plan, that he would contact me when he was done getting licensed (around the end of July was the projected time) so I could switch back to him.

He started backpedaling and said that he didn't know what was going to happen, he didn't know how long it was going to take, he really wanted me to try to make it work with New T, because there was a possibility he would get a promotion at his current job (as a case worker) and he might not do private therapy.

I went outside and cried for a few minutes, but I was too mad so I came back in as New T was leaving and demanded to speak with him for a few minutes. And I got him to promise to send me an email and tell me what he was doing so I could switch back to him IF he decided to be a T, and so at least I would know if he decided NOT to be a T. He said okay. I'm getting mad, thinking about it, all over again.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

II was PROBABLY the craziest/most disturbed patient, with bi-polar and borderline personalty traits, not to mention cutting behaviors and frequent suicide idealizations and occasional threats.

Judging from this board, I doubt that you are the craziest patient he will ever meet.

Don't ask me to say who is the craziest one here! That wouldn't be fair.

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Judging from this board, I doubt that you are the craziest patient he will ever meet.

Don't ask me to say who is the craziest one here! That wouldn't be fair.

No, not if he CONTINUED to see patients. But if he was only seeing 5 or 6 patients, I well might have been the craziest.

By a long shot, even.

[leiar2d2]

Maybe if she does call him he will send a message to you saying he didn't mean to make u feel this way?? i'm sorry, I wish he talked to u about it instead of just switching.

I hope your new T will help you figure all this out. How do you know that he hadn't already planned on telling you he was leaving at that session? He must have had a plan as to when to break this to you and turn you over to a new T. I think there's a good chance that this was coincidence. I really really doubt that you're so awful that you have the power to drive a T out of the business!!!!!

It must feel terrible to think that what you said caused this to happen. So please follow up with your new T and tell her how you feel - that the one little "bad" thing you said caused him to abandon you. This is important - you shouldn't have to deal with this alone.

Sending you hugs, and hope you get some answers and can feel better.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Judging from this board, I doubt that you are the craziest patient he will ever meet.

Don't ask me to say who is the craziest one here! That wouldn't be fair.

Not sure whether to ROFL or take this personally.

OK, laughing wins .... it's a lot more fun!!

[InTherapy]

I just want T1