It hasn't even been 3 weeks yet since our T had to leave for the 3rd time for her family emergency thing she has to take care of...and it feels like SO much longer
She doesn't know when she will be home, still has no idea. It all depends how her sick family member does. 1st time she was gone 8 months, 2nd time 3 weeks. This time its just unknown, and she doesn't REALLY need to be back around here until August for a different family event. I dont know how in the world we would make it til August.
We have chatted on skype a few times, and that helps-- its certainly better than nothing. We are certainly very lucky to be able to chat on Skype. Even T said, we're both very lucky to be able to still be part of each others lives.
But I feel like we are sinking SO fast
I try so hard to keep busy and distracted. But it doesn't change what's going on INSIDE. Does that make sense? Like I can be busy, read like crazy, watch TV, go to church, do stuff... but I still have this constant anxiety and worry going on that I can't shut off-- and flashbacks and body memory stuff, and just all those different things going round and round.
T said last night that its painful for her to watch us disintegrate before her eyes.
But i dont know what to do about it. I keep so busy. We've done everything we can think of to do. And talking to T, trying to get to the bottom of all this trauma stuff.
But the hardest part of all is just not having T around when we need her, just having SOOOO much to talk about and its just not the same chatting on IM as having an in person session.
And there's no way to fix it, until she finally comes home--whenever that is.

im sorry for complaining... i just am so lonely and down, and tired of handling everything alone.

[CantExplain]

((SarahMichelle))

[rainbow_rose]

i do understand being tired of dealing with stuff alone.

to you

[mazing]

Sorry it is all so hard Hopefully she is back soon.

I am not feeling very good about any of this today
Today i dont think T cares, she just talks because i pay her.
That we cant believe any of the nuce things she says.
We chatted last night& today i got the bill for the ladt 3 weeks. She said she knows talking online isnt the same or as good as in person. And shes still charging me $X, even tho she charges most people $Y, so i am still getting a really good deal.And she needs to start scheduling sessions because even tho shes been talking to just me for a few weeks, shes starting to talk to more and more people.
I dont know, it just made me feel like just another client.

I guess i am just feeling invisible and unimportant to everyone lately especially T

[Luce]

T cares. Hold on to the all the things she says and does that prove she DOES care. All the hours she spends with you, how she relates to you and all of your insiders, the gifts, the meals, the time, the hugs - everything. T really, really cares.
It may be that she needs to get paid now too. She has been away a lot and that means loss of income over a long period of time. Needing to get paid doesn't cancel out that she cares - it just means that she has real world needs like eating and stuff too.
It can be really hard to hold on to the feeling that we are important and cared about by our Ts when the topic of money comes up. But try to remember that some Ts (incuding yours) don't get paid to care - some Ts become Ts because they have such a depth of caring inside them, and that they can find a way to sustain themselves financially doing something that comes naturally to them is just a bonus.
I'm sorry it is so hard.

[likelife]

I'm sorry it's been such a struggle. I'd imagine your concerns about your T not caring wouldn't be as strong if she weren't leaving as much as she has been. Can you let your T know some of your worries?

[WikidPissah]

((((sarah)))) I hate that you keep having to go thru this. Yes she should schedule her skyp sessions so you know when you will talk, so you can have YOUR times scheduled and not worry about others times.

I THINK my T knows my feelings... in fact i am sure she does. This morning when I got her email (after I'd asked, "just send an email with how much we owe you and i'll pay you on payday") and her email gave all the session times and info and that other stuff she said, plus "feel free to ask if you have any questions"-- I think it was the formal-ness of it that got me, because T's emails and talks with her are so INformal most of the time. So I think that is what shook me.
So I wrote her back, "I'm sorry you felt like you had to explain all this...I'm sorry if we gave the impression that we didn't want to pay you somehow?"-- I think I wrote another sentence or 2 but don't remember what.

So that got things stirred up inside about that-- oh the dang money issue!!
I had 2 "best friends" who used to tell me that my husband paid them to come over and hang out with me-they'd joke "this is going on your bill!" or "if i stay late, you owe me more money!"- and joke with him that his payment for their friendship with me was late.
So this is a sore spot I guess.

T told us a couple years ago that we pay her for her brain, not her heart--he knowledge is for sale, her heart is not for sale.
But you know, that was a couple years ago before she knew us so well...
so we worry that her feelings have changed, because people can change SO quickly and get frustrated and all of a sudden not like us anymore (that happened with 1st T, and a few "best friends")

So now that T is in demand more and she's seeing more clients, she needs us to pay her for her time... i mean we ALWAYS pay her, but, with more people wanting to talk to her, i guess her time is more valuable...

I am a little worried that T might send me a mean email or be mad

[roads]

That old saw about not doing business with friends doesn't get quoted over & over for not reason. I just know this causes your T pain too.\, but what is she to do about it? Not charge you? Would you feel better then ... if you were "just" friends? Then how would you know you got her professional best, not just what was left over after an exhausting day? What was most easily tossed off?

You two are so close, which is wonderful in many ways. But in others it is so complicating. The money issue is the most obvious to me.

"Don't do business with friends." My T and I aren't friends, not even close, & he charges me $3/minute for emails! Am I out-raged? Could me, almost was ... but this is business. Taking care of me isn't being my friend, it's the way he pays his bills.

That's not how I think about it when I'm sitting in front of him, but really--that's what it is.

Try not to think about the money issue, Sarah Michelle. Your T loves you AND takes care of you. She is a specially gifted woman who can keep that balance without damanging either of you. Be very grateful. Please, sweetheart.

Roadie

Thank you. You always give me good things to think over.

I dont mind paying her. She definitely needs the money. And whenever i can, i pay her extra. I guess it was my perceived tone of this mornings email.

[Wren_]

I really don't think you are just any client to her SarahMichelle all you've shared makes it very obvious you hold a special place in her heart. Right now with being away and her own difficulty in not giving you the care you need and she knows you need she is probably frazzled herself completely; this has to be so hard on all of you, you've been through tons with her regularly vanishing on you ... but hold on to what you know to be true; someone who doesn't care about you a lot isn't going to be doing things like visiting you at home after surgery; giving you dolls; leaving their dog with you ... and that's just a beginning. Money issues suck; but your T cares about you immensely

Thanks for more to ponder.

She did not email me back yesterday. But hopefully its because she is busy, not because shes mad at me.

I did not get on skype last night so i wouldnt be tempted to talk to her when i saw her get on there.

Ok i am feeling better.
I just got a long email from T:
Shes really sorry her email sounded so formal, she didnt mean it that way, she is sorry it stirred up so much inside, its ok to need to talk to her and send her emails,she wishes we had MORE time to talk. Etc.

Thank you so much for reassuring me in the meantime.

I really need her today. I am having some complicated things go on here.
Her email box must be full cuz emails are getting bounced back. So she must be too busy to check her mail. Just need her to come home.

We did get to chat the other night That was helpful.
We have a skype session scheduled for tomorrow night-- on Mother's Day--which is a hard day for us-- so I am really thankful for that.

[rainbow_rose]

glad you got a chance to chat.