Emailing during session experiment....FAIL

Thinking of you!!!!

Thanks everyone....it means a lot to get some feedback and feel supported.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am embarrassed for feeling those feelings. Makes me hate therapy SO much. I recall all the relationships I've had in my life, and all the turmoil...yet THIS is what is painful. I hate that the therapy relationship is one that triggers all sorts of yuck, the sensitivity....blech. HATE it.

....And it's a huge reality check for me. While I agonize about it, T is probably seeing other clients who are pawning over him, enjoying the intimate relationships that he has with other clients, then goes home to his family where his life is fulfilling. Not even batting an eyelash about this at all....

...Add to that the reality of my financial situation....it just makes it very, very clear that the thing I need to do is stop the bleeding....stop all unnecessary expenses, including therapy....as impossible and painful as it feels.

I thought, hmm, maybe we can go to 2x/month....but I know me. I struggle to regain the connection with T when seeing him 1x/week (and once in group T each week) and have incredible difficulty getting to a place where real work can be done, due to my strong resistance. Letting two weeks pass in between sessions would not be a worthwhile effort.

I hate that I'm thinking about all of this right now. But the bleeding has gone on too long. What's it going to take before I take action? Losing my house? It's getting close to that as it is.....

I hate therapy. I hate this life. I hate it all.....

(((((((MUE!))))))))

I SO understand this anger. During my recent hard months with T, there were quite a few things that just landed in my lap and *I* was the one who had to decide to accept/not accept, and who had to do the work of "letting it go". It felt super unfair, and it WAS unfair, actually.

It's hard when the relationship is SO big to us and feels like "just another relationship" to them.

I wish I had just the right words to make you feel better.

You ARE important, and you DO matter. Your feelings are real, and okay.

Sending lots of

Thanks, nightsky.....I appreciate your understanding....

I spent time with my daughter last night and then went to sleep - helping to create some distance from the awful feelings...yet still thinking practically about taking a break or discontinuing therapy. I'd imagine that once I reconnect with T, I will not think as clearly and would want to continue with therapy. I'm getting that "now or never" kind of feeling.....

Ugh.

MUE...I understand the financial bind that therapy causes, and the frustration...(i'm there myself) but are you sure you aren't focusing on breaking because you are so angry with T?

I wonder if there is EVER a clear state of mind when you're in therapy.

*sigh*

Is it the reason I'm considering breaking, or is it the impetus of helping me get out of the "therapy trance"?...to get a view through the fog enough to see how I am heading for a train wreck.

I believe it's all playing a factor in it. But the reality is, my well is running dry and leading to being a choice between having a home and having therapy.....No lie.

I have been avoiding facing that reality for quite some time....and just hanging onto the hope that I would become full-time, have company medical benefits and wouldn't have to make the decision to discontinue therapy. And here I am, 2 months away from reaching my cap on my personal purchased medical insurance....and still no full time job in sight, and not even close to getting company medical insurance....and savings dwindling. Because of the therapy trance, because I neeeeeed T, I was staying blind to what is very, very real.

Kinda embarrassing at the moment to know that I was clinging to T for caring, warmth, support to help me through these tough times....one of many people who pay for it day in and day out...Maybe I need to get a life.

*sigh*

So maybe it is the anger talking....LOL

I wish I could say that the latter wasn't a reality though.

I don't think you should be embarrassed about that, we all kind of look to our T's for that stuff...(even me). And I don't think paying for that support and warmth is a sucker thing either. Without payment therapy is terribly one sided and kind of self centered, don't you think?

You said cutting back on sessions wasn't really an option, but isn't it better than no support at all? Sure, it would be harder to keep the connection, but don't forget you would still be able to call and email.
I \don't think you should try to make this huge decision right now while you are so pissed off though.

Thanks, WikidPissah, for continuing a dialogue, to keep pushing me....cuz you're right. It's not a good idea for me to make this huge decision while I am so angry.

I do believe that it's helping me see that my financial issue is an important one that can't be ignored much longer. Bad timing for that, I guess.

I found that today, I am creating things in my own mind to help me feel worse about the situation. The thing that really upset me was that T was so impressed with the questionnaire, how it would be useful for all clients....and then closed by saying that for me and him, we've talked about most of those things and it isn't really ground-breaking....then tells me as I walked out the door that he double booked my session that day.

I worked really, REALLY hard to be totally honest and vulnerable in that questionnaire. Some things were tough to put in writing....and it was "nothing ground breaking" to him....

Then, imagining his interest in sharing the questionnaire with his clients....and developing deeper intimacy with those clients as a result.

I wish I never shared the questionnaire with him at all.

yea. I get you, your T was not the sharpest crayon in the box last week, that's for sure. I would love to give him a virtual slap across the back of his head and say DUH! It's that damn human factor again. One week my T is superman, the next he is superdud. So damn frustrating. It would be kind of nice at the end of a dud session instead of handing over the check say "I ain't paying for that sh&t".

oh crap...there is another thread going on where a t asked "what do you need from me"...I know you posted on it. Anyways...what if you write out what you NEEDED from your T but didn't get. Kind of an "I wish the session went this way" letter. Would he be receptive to something like that do ya think?

Thanks, Wikid.....

If I decide to go to my session on Thursday, I know I will need to talk to him about it. It feels yucky to tell him how awful all of this has made me feel. I am hoping that I'll feel more rational about it all by then because I don't know if I will be able to bring myself to go if I feel like this. Too humiliating.

I have group T tomorrow night - my T is a facilitator in our group - and I'm not sure I'll be able to focus on what's going on in the room feeling like this. Ugh.