Pdoc tomorrow

Pdoc tomorrow. Will have to tell him I finished with my T. This may or may not make him annoyed with me. I'll also talk about medication, which is also a bit worrying.

I got a letter for pdoc from a good friend who cares about me - I had no idea how much - and worries about me. It's impossible for my limited understanding to grasp the fact that people who genuinely know me can find me likable. That aside, it's rather frightening to imagine handing over that letter - there's a lot in there about my history of self-harm and other things. I will hand it over, though. I'm not going to disappoint my friend.

(And this pdoc is a native English-speaker )

Computer battery about to die. Better post this, then. Spare support gratefully received.

Oh, hope it goes well tomorrow! (and that your battery charges quickly :-) Glad you have a native English-speaker

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

(((((((Hugs))))))))

I hope it goes well, too.
I'm glad you have a good friend who truly cares about you. I'm grateful for, and also amazed by, the people who know me deeply (and there's only about 3-5 of those currently in contact with me) and still love/like me very much - knowing the real me and loving the real me, well, sometimes I have found that almost more unfathomable than I find Greek to be! But I have accepted that it is OK to believe it, believe I'm somehow worthy of it, and let it be.
And of course you are likable! From what I have seen in your posts, I like you.

I hope it goes well, Apteryx.

I, too, cannot fathom why people who know me well seem to like, and sometimes even love, me. T was a little interested in that idea, too. Apparently, people with actual self esteem don't feel that way. Go figure.

Hope it goes well for you tomorrow!

Good luck Apteryx, I really hope your PDoc will be helpful and supportive of your decision to quit your last T as it seemed the fit just wasn't very good.

Thinking of you Apteryx...glad you have an english speaking pdoc! I have a good friend hug me and kiss the top of my head on Sunday...I felt loved for a few minutes...it was cool.

*dances a little euphoric dance*

That went REALLY well. He didn't mind me speaking English - he thought it a little odd and said it's something he'd like to explore with me but he certainly didn't have anything against it. I gave him the letter, and he read it, and said that he thought it was absolutely fine for me to bring something like that. We didn't discuss the contents - which was fine by me - but he kept it for future reference. He asked me some difficult questions and gently prodded me until I'd answered them or at least addressed them; he did this in a very respectful manner but without allowing me to cop out. I found myself telling him things that I've told nobody else, ever, and I felt validated by his responses.

And at the end he asked me if I might consider continuing to talk to him - that is to say, he offered to be my T. Which was exactly what I wanted.

I am so relieved. Thank you all for your support.

(Of course it's almost June which means he'll be off for his 6-week holiday in a few weeks... but I don't think that will be a problem. I'll see him one more time before he leaves, and he'll be back in August. It would have been better for me to continue immediately but on the other hand we won't be in the middle of any difficult processes that would have to be kept on hold.)

[ETA: I forgot to mention that nobody exploded.]

apteryx that is so freaking awesome!! You have a pdoc and a T who speak english, just like you wanted...I am so happy for you!

Oh, Apteryx, that's great! Feeling the connection with a therapist is so important and feels so good. I'm sorry the timing is kind of a pain, but as you said, at least you won't be in the middle of something. And you can look forward to his return with a lot less anxiety than if you hadn't been able to meet with him at all.

I'm very glad that T's don't typically take 6 weeks here in the US. Mine will be away for 2 weeks in August, but that's basically it. He's already started preparing me for it, which is sweet, but not really necessary.

I'm also so happy for you! I'm glad everything worked out.

I am so happy for you! How great is it that you get to talk to him on a regular basis since you already feel comfortable with him? Hopefully you'll feel less like you're taking up too much room in his office.

Maybe you feel more comfortable with a non-Swede because you don't feel like he's beholden to the law of Jante. You can escape some of your own culture's biases and limits by talking to a foreigner. Speaking in English would just increase the psychological sense of that margin of safety. Just an idea.

Again HOORAY for you!

wonderful news! I am happy for you. And happy that no one exploded!

I wrote a long response and then the computer ate it. Bah.

Thank you, all. I was worried about the language thing because it might seem as if a) I was criticizing his Swedish which is perfect with just a slight trace of an accent, and/or b) I was going "ooh look at me I have native-like proficiency in a foreign language" - which I don't, of course, my spoken English has a very noticeable accent and I have to search for words sometimes. But he was genuinely fine with it, not just complying out of politeness. Snuffle, you make a good point about the Jante effect - that's probably part of it, and getting away from my own cultural frames where I feel like an alien a lot of the time is definitely another part. I'm obviously an alien in English, but it doesn't matter as much because it's expected. If that makes sense. And it was such a liberating feeling, I was able to access my thoughts so much more easily. It's a very strange thing.

One very clear difference between this T and the previous one is that while I'd generally forgotten most of what we'd talked about in the session a couple of hours after it ended (with some exceptions such as our last session), this time I'm still processing it in my mind 25 hours later.

I'm worried now, though. I'm bound to screw this up sooner or later. Maybe I will start lying to him, too, the way I do as a knee-jerk thing (the letter my friend wrote mentioned this, as well as what he (friend) thinks are some reasons why I do it) and he'll think I'm doing fine and stop therapy with me. Or his fees will turn out to be exorbitant. I should have asked him about that. So far I've been seeing him in his capacity of a doctor, which means I pay almost nothing cos of socialized medicine, but I have a feeling therapy will have a different fee scale. Or maybe it won't - I'll just have to ask him.

Or H will wonder why I need to see another therapist. Not that I have to tell him, I suppose. T asked me a lot of questions about my relationship with H, yesterday and we spent most of the session talking about that. That was very tough, but probably necessary. Once or twice I found myself saying things I didn't even know were in my head, but which felt relevant and important once I'd said them. I'm taking it as a good sign that I did that - I'd only ever read about that and marvelled at the notion of saying things without spending ridiculously long planning exactly what to say and how to say it. I'm going to have to ask to revisit some of the things we talked about though, because I think I wasn't quite upfront about some things. That is not so good.

I do go on once I get started, don't I Sorry. I just need to process all these things, and coaching RL friend is not around this week.

Just one thing ..... take it moment by moment, session by session, and put aside the worry and the expectation that you'll junk things up. Sometimes letting a certain thought become too big of an expectation in our heads leads to it being fulfilled when it wouldn't really have to be - like T1 said to me, making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't make the prophecy, then maybe it won't be fulfilled. Make the opposite prophecy, that you will be as honest as you can, moment by moment. Give yourself permission to think it may very well go differently this time, because why couldn't it?! Of course it can!

Definitely good advice, Spirit. I shall try to take it (and when I feel the urge to worry myself to pieces I can always come here for a sanity check!)

[ETA: Wow, I'm a veteran member - how did that happen? I'm a newbie, I am!]

yay we are so happy for you!!!♥♥♥

I got a new appointment next Tuesday; now I got a txt message offering me an appt tomorrow.

Very
very
very
very
nervous
now.....

(written in haste at a conference, so can't be more specific just now, but had to get this out or else I won't be able to focus at all)

Further to the above:

I worry that I said too much to him last week. I know intellectually that that's unlikely, but I still worry. I'm in a bit of emotional pain right now, and I'm afraid that will impact my ability to get through to him tomorrow.

And I really worry about what all he is going to say concerning all the stuff I told him.

It is scary to deal with these people. Can you make a list of what you want to tell him so that you can be sure to get it out? Is there some specific thing you are worried about the pdoc telling you?

Yes, I'll probably try to write something down so I can refer to it. Just some very brief notes would probably be enough.

Not sure if there's any specific thing. I'm just scared of having it out there, I suppose. And I've been talking about things that One Does Not Talk About (sex, for instance - I'm Swedish, hence uptight about sex) and on some level I think I'm expected to be punished for that.

OK, I'm off.